Doddering Terrorists Hold Hostages at Taco Bell

(Montrose, CO — Special from The Taco Times – January 28, 2016)

As the sun came up this morning, two convicted recreational terrorists, known only to authorities as Myrtle and Jerry, are still holding a throng of hostages at the local Taco Bell. The captives, including two exotic dancers from Mack and a busload of seminary students from Espanola, are reportedly chained to the salad bar in this pseudo-Mexican food outlet.

Myrtle and Jerry

One of the prisoners managed to escape through an unattended grease drain while Jerry was out changing the oil on his RV. He told a story of a brutal captivity but said that everyone was still in good spirits despite being subjection to countless mundane home movie (of Quartzite, Arizona) and Myrtle’s bad cooking.

The amateur filmmakers, dubbed monkey wrenchers by the local paper due to Myrtle’s long association with the Sierra Club, have released a list of demands and have threatened to bore each one of the hostages with monotonous vacation and RV stories until they get some action. Along with typical hostage solicitations the two have insisted on fifty million dollars in small bills and a flight to Havana.

Other demands are as follows: 1.) The United States must terminate all covert military operations in South America. 2.) The incarceration of the notorious Bloody Bush Gang for crimes against humanity. 3.) The reinstitution of Dean Martin (dead or alive) on NBC’s prime time. 4.) Bronze statures of Myrtle and Jerry must be forged and displayed at the entrance to the Ridgway State Park, no later than 2017.

“We have no problem with the money, the flight or the imprisonment,” said one deputy on the scene, “but we’re getting a lot of static from county commissioners on the statue business.”

In a statement released just moments ago Myrtle warned authorities that Jerry was prepared to “play hardball” and that her “tough-fisted accomplice would not be placated.”

She then asked that police send “some real food”, voicing her concern over a regular diet of chemicals offered by Taco Bell. The hostages, who were apparently eating at the outlet at the time of the seizure, were unmoved by her concerns.

“Myrtle has always had an eye on good health,” said Jerry, who police say is Jerry Mahone, a retired bean farmer from Dove Creek who won his 150-foot RV in a sudden death bingo match sponsored by the Slick Rock Pork Producers in 2009.
Leaders here admit that this information is of little use in breaking the standoff but that the data would be stored anyway because they enjoyed this kind of thing.

Plans to shut off power to the Taco Bell were shelved when it became clear that the two had been major stockholders in Manana Electric, a local power coop. In addition Myrtle had mined the parking lot and all access points in and out of the crime scene. To make matters worse Jerry reportedly had a backup generator stashed under his unit’s microwave stand and “was not afraid to use it.”

The deadlock goes on with the stubborn terrorists refusing to budge despite threats from Taco Bell International to send an elite TACO team into the fray. Corporate accountants say the “restaurant” is losing $50,000 per day due to the crisis. Meanwhile the city of Montrose is rerouting hungry motorists to the many real Mexican restaurants that grace the municipality.

– Melvin Toolski