Global Flatulence Threat Undressed

Delta, CO  —  Colorado Bovine Extension Report  —  January 24, 2016

Flatulent cattle are among the earth’s largest contributor to the greenhouse gas quagmire, releasing millions of elastic tons of methane each year.

But Stefan D. Johnson, hyper-physics professor at Colorado Polygamy, thinks he may have found a way to stem the 200 to 400 mega-liters a day that flows from the digestive system of the average field bovine. By comparison a carnivorous person gives off about a liter per day, contributing more to the discomfort of those nearby than to global warming trends.

The world’s cattle, via the gastrointestinal frenzy created by digestive microbes, produced as much as 50 million metric tons of methane each year. Other major producers include sheep, goats, camels, llamas, deer, elk, caribou, oxen, yaks, water buffalo and marmots*.

The methane rises and is converted to carbon dioxide, which acts to prevent solar heat from reflecting back to space, trapping it in the earth’s atmosphere.

Johnson believes that the microbes’ methane production might be slowed by as much as 25% by the addition of antibiotic feed additives that act against certain types of negative bacteria, thereby lessening the impact by up to 37%, without distracting the animals from their business at hand.

In related developments, researchers at the prestigious University of Downtown Delta, confirm that they have taken delivery of a massive shipment of industrial corks for use in shadow agricultural experiments in Roubideau Canyon. Most agree that the installation of the apparatus could significantly reduce leaks, at least within the domestic population.

“The spongy plugs conform to the shape of the focus target, if you catch my drift,” said Johnson who is reportedly developing a machine to do perform more tedious, close-up stages of the operation.

The University of Downtown Delta has received a grant of an estimated $550,000, to insure that all cows understand these procedures and how a little inconvenience now could save a lot of trouble down the road. Rare explosions, noted in an expanded study in Switzerland, will be dealt with quickly and humanely. Counselors are on out in the pasture already ready to reassure any beasts that want to talk.

*Gassy marmots often produce enough methane gas to keep other rodents from squatting in their holes or predators from nosing around for long.

– Maribelle Dipthongue