Feds Approve Air Utility

(Denver — Brown Cloud Jogger Review — January 29 , 2016)

The Federal Utility Commission Kakistocracy* has tentatively agreed to allow unnamed interests to begin monitoring oxygen use in three mountain states in order to more clearly determine its fair market value. The preliminary assessment, classified as Top Secret by the government, is to be based on pounds of air pressure per cubic ratio of atmosphere to lung output.

The small, repeated measurements are to be called “breaths” or might actually be identified as gasps, pants, gulps or kilowatts by the same Federal Utility Commission Kakistocracy.

Executive appointees of the new agency, former Congressmen turned lobbyists insist that it is high time that oxygen consumers shared the cost of the air that they breathe. The say that breathing is a privilege, and not one guaranteed by the Constitution.

“That bothersome old faded antique of Deist thinking only talks about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” quipped Terry Tocksicke, former drill instructor at Three Mile Island and head of the Obama Administration’s task force on air quality and regulation.

After downing a lavish lunch of live Lucerne lobster in aerated, mulched hydrocarbon sauce, the commission was treated to a troupe of exotic monkey trapeze artists dressed in tiny hats and iron lungs, compliments of Confront Range Oxygen, a corporation bidding on the right to charge residents and visitors for air in Colorado.

“The less oxygen the more per unit measure,” said Tocksicke. “We’re looking at other mountain states too where the elevation is higher. That’s where the real profits will fall. Look, one of the monkeys has fallen under the weight of the heavy breathing apparatus! Look!”

The Public Utilities Commission, a sister agency, not to be confused with the existing kakistocracy, maintains the final say in the quantum mechanics of breathing and system flatulence encompassing radiation levels, momentum and electric charge. A milestone decision is expected when it returns from a fact-finding mission on Slumgullion Pass this weekend.

The novice flatlanders left Ouray last week in hopes of arriving at the gold fields of Creede before the snows are too deep for travel. Authorities here say they have lost contact with the small party.

“Frankly I’m concerned,” whined Tocksicke. “The planning was inadequate and the leader of the expedition was shiftless…a beady-eyed man named Thacker or Placker something…”

Gov’ment officials say they have no choice but to charge for air.

“Between the wars, the election campaigns, the Congressional benefits, interest on loans, the tax breaks for oil companies, the mindless expenditures on police, military aid to right-wing dictatorships, the mismanagement of resources, and the growing number of people on public assistance we’re broke,” said a Congressman from his charcoal black limousine.

The commissions and other desperate camp followers say they expect great public outcry at first but feel that the situation will calm down as soon as people turn their televisions on and drift into hot dog space.

“The small fee will not be noticeable at first and completely voluntary. Later, when the program is fully implemented the fee will become mandatory with generous consideration extended for preliminary cooperation in the form of retroactive clauses and debt brackets.

The United States currently imports some 45% of its oxygen from the Hindu Kush and the Peruvian Andes. A dramatic increase in domestic production of oxygen is on the drawing board as part of an expanded energy policy.

“We’ll get back to you when we know more,” said Tocksicke.

– Helen Waite

*For those too busy to use a dictionary a kakisocracy is government by the least qualified or most unprincipled citizens.   (From Greek word kakisnos (worst + CRACY)