Elephant Beaches Self Off Carolina Coast

(Myrtle Beach, SC — The Irrelevant Elephant — January 27, 2016)

A lone elephant, draped in full Republican regalia, has given himself up to the waves of the Alantic. The 12-foot, 15,000-pound mammal (Proboscidea) was found by joggers early this morning and pronounced dead by the Horry County coroner. It is not known if this is solitary act or if further surrenders will follow.

What makes the beaching even more bizarre is that the deceased animal is one of the few rare Caucasian Bull mastodons surviving on the planet. Most elephants are either African or Asian.

The unhappy victim

“We’ve seen whales beach themselves but never really quite understand why,” said Dr. Sylvia Aardvarke, a Pawley Island veterinarian. “Now we have elephants in the sand. Elephants like to hang near water but are not particularly known as nautical beasts.”

Meanwhile the Coast Guard has been searching for answers, and/or more distressed elephants.  Power brokers in control fear that further political suicides might pry a dazed and frightened electorate out of their foxholes.

“They might began to think for themselves,” said a Wall Streetwalker with a smirk.

The Muslim Marxist press reports that no donkeys have been observed within ten miles of the tragedy.

“Our highly educated guess is that the animal became depressed and embarrassed over what has happened within his party. Despite what we may think, few elephants are accustomed to observing circus clowns,” said the doctor. “Most retain wild ways and are not prepared for the full scale big top that has emerged of late. While political scientists call it premature campaigning, many in and out of the GOP are appalled at the crude behavior of people claiming to represent them.”

Unlike the proud and honorable elephant no politician has come forward to mourned the loss.