SKIING NOT IN BIBLE SAYS LAKE CITY WOMAN

And cows should never wear underwear

(Montrose — Rapture Tails, Scores and Schedules — February 13, 2016)

The sport of skiing is not mentioned so much as once in the Judeo-Christian Bible says a Lake City cleric who often parades around as the conscience of Hinsdale County.

According to Freida Markfore the Holy Writ makes no reference to skiing and therefore the entire modus operandi should be avoided by the god-fearing righteous.

“If the good Lord wanted man to slide down mountains he would have created him with edges on his feet and included poles with the “beginner package.” He would have also made snow fall in the Holy Land,” she mused.

“The gates of Paradise will never open for a snow plow stop or a telemark turn,” she forecast. “And the snow conditions in hell are not expected to improve in the near eternity.”

Markfore, who sometimes goes by the alias Luella Persimmons, frowned when it was suggested that skiing, associated with Nordic lifestyles and perhaps Viking gods did not jive with the everyday pursuits of the Semitics in Asia Minor.

“I’m not talking about no miners,” she shot back vehemently. “Most of them are well on their way to hell in a hand basket and don’t even know it.”

– Warren of Wexley

Bienvenidos a Hotel Atenas!

A warm enthusiastic Paisa welcome is in store at Hotel Atenas in Jerico, Colombia. Here we observe Zeus, the family bulldog keeping a keen eye on things on a warm afternoon. (David de los Andes photo). February 12, 2016.

Link will campaign in gorilla suit

(River City, Iowa — February 12, 2016)

As primaries heat up, the Missing Link, who declared his candidacy for president on Friday while jigging for frogs on the upper Mississippi, is set on more monkey business.

The Link, who many on both sides of the plutocratic aisle say is no more than a comic disruption, will campaign in a full ape suit. The striking attire, created by Argentine designer, Pilar Zeta, features a protruding nose, large inset eyes and hair…lots of hair. The costume/outfit is modeled after traditional gorilla suits worn by authentic mountain gorillas in the Virunga Mountains of Central Africa.

International police have engaged in a massive manhunt for the Link since he allegedly escaped from a holding cell at Los Alamos National Laboratory in 1945. Analysts can only assume if that this fugitive status will hamper efforts to reach voters before its too late.

Although authorities insist they just want to talk to the Link supporters and the ACLU contend that “those people” want to incarcerate the Link and subject him to a battery of experiments as to the origins of man.

– Senor Panuelo

Lip Reading Offered by Motor Vehicle

(Montrose Language Lab – February 11, 2016)

A free lip-reading seminar is slated for late November, compliments of the Colorado Division of Motor Vehicles. The course has been streamlined from last year, concentrating on senior drivers, teens and those in need of anger management therapy.

The course, conducted for all drivers, is expected to “better the communications between easily irritated motorists and those with less than perfect hearing” according to Melvin O’Toole, Executive Director of Sociology and Downright Ignorant Behavior at nearby Pea Green Academy.

“The offering will concentrate on the 20 most common phrases of frustration associated with bad driving habits,” quipped O’Toole, “so that even with air-conditioning on, and in winter with the windows rolled up, clear communication of distinct concepts and suggested ideas will flow.”

O’Toole did not touch on complaints that many local drivers are dozing off at the wheel or exhibiting a trance akin to heavy television users. Traffic noise, vehicle vibration or even the radio lulls them to sleep when it usually keeps other drivers alert.

“They are somewhere else than in the driver’s seat,” said O’Toole. “It’s a wonder they make it to the grocery and back.”

Mass transit, recently available in the city, was expected to relive this chronic problem or at least discourage driving at prime times. Unfortunately suspect operators often forget about this option, after locating their keys and backing into the garage door or a potted plant in the yard.

Persons over 75 will receive a companion print version of the class so as to insure they do not miss clever, innovative vulgarities hurled at them by motorists wishing to adhere to the speed limit and reach their destination before nightfall.

– Attila Diggins

The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues

Once again brought to you in 1950’s black and white television style by the Farmer’s Friend, O’Hara’s Foot Powder and Dehorning Ointment. If you’ve got it we’ve got the cure. Guaranteed to work quickly or we pay the funeral bills, and that’s a promise from O’Hara’s. A trusted friend since at least yesterday morning.

THE ORIGINS OF UNGOWA

The scene: A treehouse in East Africa  –  February 11, 2016

Tarzan: Ungowa! Ungowa! See Jane, lion just need little convincing. Things be peaceful now.
Jane: Amazing, Tarzan. I’ve never seen anything like it. What’s the secret? Is it your body language? Is it your loincloth? Is it that word…what is it? Foongowa?
Tarzan: Ungowa, Jane. But don’t ever say unless lion out of hand.
Jane: But I’ve heard you say it to the elephants, the zebras, even Cheetah.
Tarzan: Jane mistaken.
Jane: Tarzan, I’m not mistaken. Lord knows there’s not much to occupy my time up in this tree house. I don’t miss major developments like this. I don’t miss the banana harvest, the spring rains, the migration of the rhinos, the spear ceremony with the Tamurundis…
Tarzan: Tarzan get picture, Jane.
Jane: So what does Ungowa mean exactly, dear?
Tarzan: Ungowa mean…Get back!
Jane: Get back? I hardly think so. Level with me, Tarzan. I want to know about the origin of Ungowa!
Tarzan: Ungowa, Jane!
Jane: That’s not amusing. Now tell me or you sleep on the couch.
Tarzan: We not have couch.
Jane: It’s just an expression. Why won’t you tell me about Ungowa?
Tarzan: Tarzan not know about Ungowa. Ungowa just word. Ungowa something make lions and elephants listen to skinny ape man, not trample, eat him.
Jane: You mean to say you just say Ungowa and you don’t know what it means, where it comes from or how it became part of the language?
Tarzan: It slang. Jane understand?
Jane: So you’re telling me you don’t know what it means or why it has come into favor?
Tarzan: That just way it is.
Jane: The magic word for any situation. Too much. Oh well, I guess there’s nothing to do now but eat your lentil soup.
Tarzan: Lentil soup again! Ungowa! Tarzan calling out for pizza!

THE END

Census Tough on Schizophrenics

(From the Buffalo Bill’s Buried Here Too News* — Feb 9 , 2016)

Lookout Mountain — The United States Census, conducted every ten years in appointed jurisdictions all over then nation, is painful, sometimes even devastating for the more than 200,000 registered schizophrenics in Colorado.
The line of questioning, simple enough to most of us, often causes confusion, disorientation and depression.

“Most of us are distrustful of anyone associated with the federal gov’ment to start with,” said Dr. Orem Quacken-Quacken, Chair of the Psychology Department at Buffalo Bill Marine Academy here.” Then they show up at your front door asking questions and writing on their clipboards. Most people deal with the intrusion while schizophrenics often run and hide, preferring not to answer the door at all.”

In addition Quacken-Quacken takes issue with the entire process of collecting information on population, saying the figures collected from many households are invalid and do not reflect distinctions between number of persons and number of personalities.

“Face to face episodes are often perceived as confrontational which skews the data,” continued the academic. “The census people should consider a secure mail-in form to avoid spinning out of control. Then all personalities might participate in a more protected environment.”

– Xeno Phobicette

*According to the 2010 Census the schizophrenic hero, Buffalo Bill is buried in decorated graves in Colorado, Wyoming, Montana and Utah. Rumors of another memorial resting place in New Mexico were extinguished when it became apparent that a tombstone bearing Bill’s epitaph was that of an actual buffalo slaughtered by railroad sharpshooters for its hide in 1877.