Property Values Linked to Pizza Delivery Options

(Suburbs Without Cities Report – Montrose, CO – Feb 4, 2016

The Bored of Realtors in this swank, yet congested burgh have concluded that the most potent variable determining property appraisal is the existence of pizza delivery in the vicinity. The fluctuating prices of new homes strongly parallel pizza delivery radius (PDR) and stark realizations as to real value and equity follow suit.

“People in the loop who count on prompt, efficient and uninterrupted delivery of hot pizza right to their door stand to turn a much more substantial profit when it comes time to sell their property,” said Evelyn Clothe-Diaspora, of Stinking Desert Homes.

“We have always known the market was soft in these parts with either a crisp or thin crust, depending on how you slice it.”

Anonymous sources within the profession had little more to say since most were busy at local maternity wards. Readers may recall a 1996 ruling that allows idle realtors to earn a few dollars delivering babies. Lawyers, legal drug cartels and insurance companies (many owned by flush doctors) forced physicians out of the baby business the year before.

Properties with proximity to fast food dives will continue to fall do to aroma pollution, rising crime and the presence of calculated diabetics in the neighborhood.

– Merv Ditchwater