Plan to Widen Canyon Gets Senate Nod

(Montrose, CO — February 3, 2016)

A long-awaited decision on whether or not to widen the Black Canyon of the Gunnison was tabled today in Congress as all of the members fell asleep.

These right-after-a-big-lunch sessions never amount to a hill of beans, say unreliable sources that added that there was far more snoring than discussion on the issue.

The monumental construction, which was slated to begin in May, represents the federal government’s response to the transformation of the Black Canyon into a National Park by the federal government. It eyeballs the expansion of the dusty, rock-strewn old canyon into a 21st Century, four-lane chasm capable of handling run-off like that experienced millenniums ago. A series of foot bridges culminating at the apex will allow unheard of access to the surrounding wilderness as well as the state-of-the-art steel suspension natural land bridge, modeled after the one at Mexican Hat, Utah.

This harnessing of rock and water will connect Montrose to the rich peach fields of the North Fork Valley and beyond.

“The construction will give the over 4.8 billion federal employees something to do as they prepare for retirement,” said Earl DeHaviland, “and keep them the hell out of my office.”

Environmental groups, vehemently opposed to the project will be rounded up on the first day of summer and hurled from the heights into the raging Gunnison River far below. A peaceful, quiet dedication ceremony will follow.
When asked by a young reporter if the work was really necessary, DeHaviland appeared to take offense.

“Since when does necessity dictate action?” he blasted. “Since when does logic play the leading role? We’re just happy to have all this federal money flowing in our direction for a change. Now either stand aside or gab a shovel.”

– McKenzie Butte