Neanderthal Disclosure Explains Voter Behavior

(Stone Age Follies — February 2, 2016)

Anthropologists are suggesting that primitive interaction between humans and their hominid cousins sheds light on today’s illogical voting behavior. This longterm contact between early humans and Neanderthals, which included breeding but not much sharing of information, could explain the growing politico-economic phenomenon, where the electorate votes against its own best interests.

The brain drain that undoubtedly occurred during the Pleistocene Era, when a higher species of primate got frisky (conjugalis fortunatis) with a lower form of Homo Erectus, is evident everywhere today, not just in the voting booth. Poor people voting for corporate bought politicians because that politician says he is for guns or against abortion is absurd, especially when the candidate is only too happy to send jobs over seas and cut social programs.

“All a candidate has to do today is announce that he is a pious Christian and he’s got a fistful of votes from one coalition or another,” said one anthropologist who has received death threats for these disclosures. “God help the man who embraces atheism or even agnosticism, even though many of the lower rung are not familiar with the second term. Yes, the key to success is a mad charade where politicians, often the most immoral people on the planet, make a show of attending church and then call it a photo op.”

Whether primitive troglodytes cavorted with Nanjing Man, Solo Man, Wushan Man or even the shy Tautavel Man would have to be determined by
regular access and individual promiscuity quotients.

Paleontologists agree that limited knowledge of dating patterns and social norms of cave personnel severely impede their scope. They are quick to affirm that their role is not to judge the morality of these ancients, who lived Spartan went Spartan wasn’t cool.

– Marcella Pesterman