Zoo Escapees Doing Nicely on Plateau

(Montrose, CO — Four-Legged Mambo — February 5, 2016)

Large mammals forcibly vacating previous habitation at a local zoo seem to be thriving in the wilderness of the Uncompahgre Plateau. Although sightings are rare three African elephants, two zebras, a giraffe, a lion and a troupe of Japanese Snow Monkeys have carved out an existence and are socializing quite well in shared accommodations.

“One would expect the lion to eat the zebras and the elephants to be easily recovered due to their enormous size,” offered Gwynne Parsnippe, an animal behaviorist from the local butane society. “That isn’t happening. They all seem to get along. Maybe it’s their shared trauma of zoo life. Maybe it’s the fresh air. Maybe it’s the bounty of food there for the taking.”

According to Mark Ibrahim of the National Zoological Park in Washington DC, “Nothing odd is going on here. Animals, like humans, seek camaraderie and acceptance. They have been found to be quite versatile, practical, instinctual and clever when necessary. The wilds are their home whether it’s black forest, high mountains, flowing valleys or even semi-desert.”

What boggles even the self-appointed local experts is the instant success of the plateau venture. In addition to cooperation the refugees have created a village atmosphere employing the ideals of democratic socialism.

“They have created a functional government up there which is more than we’ve done down here,” said Parsnippe. “There are no rich and no poor. Everyone eats and has common defense against predators. It’s a mammal paradise.”

Reminiscent of the runaway slave societies that peppered the remote jungles of Brasil from the 17th to the 19th centuries, the plateau redoubt, renamed Soledad in honor of prison activists from days gone by, has yet to be discovered by gangs of marauders hired by the county to “bring down these rebels.”

The snow monkeys, or Macaques, appear to be running the show probably because they have adapted so well to their new digs. A very similar eco-system exists in the northern mountains of Japan. They have even discovered remote hot springs pools unknown before to man or beast.

“These snow monkeys are no slouches when it comes to civics, social norms or making up a pot of healthy stew from grub worms, pine moss, small rodents and aspen bark,” said Parsnippe.zoo infant macaque

The chronic increase in zoo breaks over the past 3 years has bioscientists as well as social ethologists gravely concerned.

“Animals were once thought to be happy in their cages and reconstructed biospheres,” frowned Parsnippe. “Now we’re not so sure. Maybe it’s time to reinvent zoos.”

Animal rights groups say overcrowding, bad food, pending violence and parole inconsistencies have lead to this disgraceful status. They focused on plea-bargaining and unbalanced moralities that favor certain species over others.

Up in Soledad everyone is equal and nobody lives in cages. Already propagation and procreation are double what they were in captivity. Three little ones have joined the settlement, one elephant calf, one lion cub and a beautiful new infant snow monkey who weighed in at almost ten pounds this morning.

“The birth rates are astounding,” shouted Parsnippe, “but one must consider that there’s not much else to do on the Uncompahgre Plateau in December.

– Warren of Wexley

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