All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
Power Surges Plague Elderly
(Eureka, CO — Wind Power Press — January, 20, 2015) Annoying and often perilous power surges are the result of inactivity and worn out parts says a noted physician here. Idle hours can create buildup of diverted power and then poof…an unknowing or unnoticed discharge of displaced energy.
The schematic is really quite simple. The energy collects in all kinds of cavities and organs of the body and hides out until it cannot contain its giddy enthusiasm for outflanking the human immune system.
“It is a human tendency for people to become more sedentary as they age,” said Dr. Simon Lackluster (who is not really a doctor but is often quoted as one when we need a expert reference). “Then, when the situation demands action they fly into it jerky-jerky just like they were still 21. Up and down, back and forth, between the routine…I get tired watching them,” said the doctor.
Responding to these summations, one older reader told our editor that Lackluster was an idiot.
“My power surges come first thing in the morning but diminish as the day wears on,” he offered. “By night I am in need of serious recharging. This quack’s diagnosis makes about as much sense as this story.
“Imagine if you will, the inside of the doctor’s head as a small cranial hydroelectric power plant. Now imagine a January ice storm inside there all mixed up with the hydroelectric trinkets. The results are galvanizing!”
The gentleman, who asked to remain agronomist, said that power surges can be harnessed and used in many positive ways. He added that he was tired of society discarding seniors instead of recycling them.
Readers may recall that “Doctor” Lackluster suffered a voltage disturbance back in 1927 when an incompetent nurse dropped him from an extension ladder in his steel nursery. He has exhibited as many as 34 distinct personalities, but never in one sitting.
The nurse, whom he later married, was never charged in the incident.
If you have been experiencing unwanted or accelerated power surges call your electric coop. – Suzie Compost
Ouray Unveils New Marketing Campaign
(Ouray, Colorado — Executive Director’s Digest — January, 2015) Having given up on the idea of attracting even more Texans, Okies and Californians to this pristine Uncompahgre Valley, the Ouray-Ridgway Chambers of Commerce have finally decided on a cohesive promotional plan that aligns all elements in the county.
The innovative slogan, Ouray – Conveniently located between Canada and Mexico was enthusiastically adopted last night at a closed door meeting by the same people who backed the shrinking of parking spaces on Main Street.
“We expect our new approach to gain great appeal everywhere,” said one of the creators of the clever slogan. “We don’t want to be hemmed in or limited in our comprehension of what or who is out there. Our graphs are responsive. Our data is concise but we continue to be astounded at how many Front Rangers have never set foot in this region.”
“At first we thought that maybe they’re scared of our bears but they have bears in their woods too,” added another planner, “and lots of people to deal with in the more populated wilderness areas and campgrounds.”
Merchants and civic leaders agree that the new come-on, even if a bit eccentric, gives Ouray a big picture connotation since even the biggest geographic moron knows these two reference points.
Toward the end of the meeting one longtime resident, with far too much free time, suggested that Canada-Mexico reference be beefed up with a second reference: Ouray-Conveniently Located Between San Francisco and Washington DC.
“Then people might more easily locate our coordinates on their cell phones or designer topo maps,” he frowned and glared for accent.
Efforts to retire to the Longbranch Salon for a drink after the long meeting were thwarted because the bar closed in 1986.
– Neville Hoser
You Animal You
By Dr. Ard von Barke DVM, PDQ, LSMFT (January 20, 2015)
Rover and Kitty Need a Break Too
Many fellow travelers ask: Doc, why do you insist on bringing three dogs and a cat on vacation? My eternal response remains: Rover and Kitty need a vacation too!
It is important for pets to se the world. Some enjoy travel so much that they will tolerate tiny cages or leashes and other restraints just to accompany their masters. These are inconveniences that the more intelligent dog or cat will figure is just part of the routine. After all very few of these freeloaders is buying his own ticket is he?
But why do our four-legged friends need a vacation? Often it is simply to break the monotony of knocking over trashcans or chasing mice. These repetitious chores cause dangerous stress levels that can build up over time. Most of us have built-in escapes or activities that encourage relaxation while poor Kitty and Rover do not.
Do you think it’s easy to bark, howl or scream all night long then sleep in the hot sun all day? Well you try it sometime.
Next time think a little about others and include your pets in your vacation plans. The result will be a far more directed, well-adapted dog or cat.
NEXT MONTH: FAVORITE FOUR-LEGGED VACATION SPOTS
(Note: Before I forget again, if you didn’t have Blackistan Bubonic Plague as a child DON’T PLAY WITH THE MARMOT PUPS THIS YEAR. Pitifully those cute, cuddly whistle pigs that come right up to your car to feed, are carriers of the dreadful disease. Fortunately for them it is all they have to carry as they traverse high country meadows and negotiate alpine snowfields in their ongoing quest for better food and accommodations above timberline.
The affliction begins with paralysis and swelling of the lower cranial devices leading to motion sickness, galloping consumption and inevitably voting Republican. If you are anyone in your care exhibit these warning signs please keep them warm, quiet and away from the rest of us.
Astronomical Development Has Scientists Reeling
(Dry Creek — January 20, 2015) Professors at Chattanooga Observatory announced late last night that Ganymede, the largest of Jupiter’s satellites, has been forced out of its normal orbit due to gravitational disturbances relating to unmanned spaceships and fracking on the earth’s surface.
The spaceship traffic has crowded the skies and marred long established gravity belts near the ozone of the earth, while the fracking has created a volatile stratospheric maze of earthquakes that have ravaged such garden spots as Oklahoma and Texas, where 98 % of the residents favor fracking and believe the Second Coming is at hand.
At last count Ganymede was on a collision corpse with Earth, a planet currently enjoying a midsummer night’s dream. The satellite, one of the famed Galilean moons that is roughly the same size as our planet, should hit the southern reaches of the city of Montrose at 9:45 pm on August 32, which would most likely kick start the end of the world. (That’s all folks).
Grandstands are being hastily constructed to accommodate the tourist crowd still swooning over the Fourth of July fireworks show. Reservations can be secured by contacting any member of a plethora of economic growth committees, several airport chat lines or Region Zen. All tickets must be paid for in advance.
Obama waxes favorably in polls
(Gunnison — January 20, 2015) President Obama’s approval rating skyrocketed today according to the latest Gallup Poll conducted in remote, untouched communities. The strict scientific survey asked 300 remaining American survivors of last week’s nuclear war if they thought Obama had done a good job in light of the marginal destruction of mankind. Further probes clearly indicate that the upsurge in popularity was linked to a direct hit on Lenin’s Tomb in Red Square. The bold move came in retaliation for the dreadful Russian bombing of Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills.
“Decisive, manly action is what we need in the foreign policy sector,” said General Karl Worthington Bulbous of Pentagon-Exxon. “All this planning and coordinating is a waste of time. Our great President Ronald Reagan never paid attention to restraint, and, although his only victory came in Grenada. Republicans remember him as a great warrior President, presumably because of the way he played soldiers in the movies.
With an inconceivable approval rating of 98% Obama has declared an end to opinion polls in this country and has arrested the 2% that still don’t like him. With the substantially smaller population base in the country, federal pollsters will now be able to interview everyone personally and avoid errors that have plagued the practice since Napoleon.
– Professor Peter Boyd