Elk Not State Employees Says Court

(Gunnison – Large Horned Mammal News –March 12, 2016)

Elk cannot be classified as state employees in Colorado according to a federal circuit judge here. Citing the part-time working status of the elk Judge Andovera Rutte denied a motion by flamboyant attorney John Doe that his herd clients receive full employment benefits retroactive to 1876 the year Colorado entered the Union.

According the Rutte’s decision elk and other “harvest species” are productive only during late summer and fall during hunting seasons. They are already well compensated for inconveniences accrued since the state often feeds them on heavy snow years and protects them from armed predators the rest of the year.

At one point in the hearing federal attorneys challenged several elk to present evidence of “even one good day’s toil during the spring or winter. Doe jumped in vehemently denying implications of laziness adding that foraging and migration were no walk in the park and should be considered honest labor.

Rutte disagreed insisting that while these endeavors were “quite commendable, they were primarily instinctual,” (and) “would not qualify as work or fiscal reward on even a marmot’s ledger sheet.”

The Elk Mountain herds had filed a civil suit against the state seeking retirement benefits and cost of living adjustments.

Mule deer and bighorns and mountain goats have been closely watching these proceedings. They are slated for a general walkout before the next hunting period in support of the elk.

“If all the animals who say they support the elk walks we will have no animals in the forest at all,” challenged Doe, perilously close to contempt charges.

Rutte closed the session by restating her position and instructed prosecutors to “take steps to insure” that what she called “disruptive, rebel factions” are on the job come black powder and bow season in 2016.

– Diego Paradise