Astronomical Development Has Scientists Reeling

(Dry Creek —  January 20, 2015) Professors at Chattanooga Observatory announced late last night that Ganymede, the largest of Jupiter’s satellites, has been forced out of its normal orbit due to gravitational disturbances relating to unmanned spaceships and fracking on the earth’s surface.
The spaceship traffic has crowded the skies and marred long established gravity belts near the ozone of the earth, while the fracking has created a volatile stratospheric maze of earthquakes that have ravaged such garden spots as Oklahoma and Texas, where 98 % of the residents favor fracking and believe the Second Coming is at hand.
At last count Ganymede was on a collision corpse with Earth, a planet currently enjoying a midsummer night’s dream. The satellite, one of the famed Galilean moons that is roughly the same size as our planet, should hit the southern reaches of the city of Montrose at 9:45 pm on August 32, which would most likely kick start the end of the world. (That’s all folks).
Grandstands are being hastily constructed to accommodate the tourist crowd still swooning over the Fourth of July fireworks show. Reservations can be secured by contacting any member of a plethora of economic growth committees, several airport chat lines or Region Zen. All tickets must be paid for in advance.