Santa Claus hanging up his spurs

(Silverton, CO – North Pole Recorder and Pacifier – January 20, 2015)
The Jolly Old Elk is leaning heavier on his middle name these days saying that he’s had enough reindeer and sleigh to last him a millennium. The announcement that Santa was quitting came as no surprise, especially to his trusted elves.
“The guy’s a real sweetheart, you know,” said Lawrence Elfe, who has been pounding out toys and sewing children’s clothing since 1947. “He’s always happy. He loves this Santa Claus thing. The problem now is that he’s worn down to nothing. He’s got holes in his breeches and holes in his elbow patches.”
Santa, who has accumulated a vast portfolio, will most likely spend his time in Western Colorado.
“He’s got the Gladstone cabin and the town house in Paris,” smiled Elfe. “It doesn’t take a magic reindeer to figure out where to spend August. He’ll be up in the San Juans.”
Unreliable sources near the elf say he has considered politics but has no platform and has shown interest in becoming a hip-hop singer, having penned some 300 songs to date.
“A lot of us have pushed him toward coaching,” said Elfe. “He was quite a wrestler in high school and I think he has all the tools to be successful.”
– Henny Penny