New Mining Technique Unearthed

(Gladstone  –  Hard Rock Times – January 20, 2015) Young geologists here have developed a new and inexpensive method for the extraction of mineral bearing ore from underground sites. Early testing at Silverton’s once-abandoned Funnyside Mine has yielded such success that the entire industry is in shock over the amount of ore recovered without much cost for labor.
Emmet Uforia, who embraced the field of geology soon after flunking out of a Flatland Medical Institute in Kansas, had originally dreamed of being a proctologist.
“I come from a long line of proctologists,” quipped Uforia. “But if you can’t get next to one hole there’s always another.”
Armed with a master’s in geologic formation and dance, Uforia has recorded unbelievable strides in the harnessing of natural resources, having perfected the wind chime in 1977 and formulating a highly toxic mosquito spray that kills without prejudice. He has been the recipient of every award associated with rocks.
However it is his ingenious and almost supernatural comprehension of extraction problems that has brought him the esteem of his colleagues.
“He’s quite a kid,” said Abner Smyrna, a retired Silverton miner who now sells T-shirts on Greene Street. “In fact if manure were valuable, he’d figure out a way to run tracks down his tongue and stope out his head!”
During a well-attended press conference Uforia was guarded when bombarded on his nuevo-procto-geologic awakening.
“I have simply done what science has been attempting for decades,” he smiled. “I have blended the most positive attributes of two professions: proctology and geology. This procedure, despite the simplicity of it all, has never been tried before but in layman’s terms I just gave that damned mine an enema.”