Uncle Ben defects to China

(Denver) Longtime American icon and third cousin one removed to former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “Uncle Ben” Brown has reportedly fled to the People’s Republic of China where he has already applied for political asylum.

The defection is believed to be linked to Uncle Ben’s efforts to avoid serving concurrent prison sentences for tax evasion and alleged conspiracy to sell top-secret white rice recipes to the Chinese. According to attorneys for the rice icon their former client flew to Peking via Havana on Friday without their knowledge. In addition they insist that Uncle Ben could have beaten the tax evasion rap had he stuck around.

“In a country where everyone attempts to avoid paying taxes why did the Department of the Treasury decide to go after a kindly, old man like Ben?” asked one lawyer. “Indications are that this was not a random audit and that many other pre-civil rights Blacks have been called on the carpet by the IRS.”

The estrangement is viewed by any as a slap in the face to the Trump Administration who had once considered Uncle Ben for a position with the Department of Homeland Security. Only two months ago the converted rice expert was a guest at the White House.

 A spokesperson for Condoleezza Rice said Uncle Ben had been ostracized by Rice family members over the holidays for his well documented haughty Hunan attitude and elitist political views as to feeding the world.

“In no way should Ms Rice be hauled over the coals due to the blatant indiscretions of distant relatives,” said the spokesperson. “That would be like blaming Oprah Winfrey for the anarchy in Liberia or the war in the Congo.”

 When contacted the Chinese Consulate here denied all knowledge of the defection saying it would release a statement after dinner.

“There are substitutes for oil; there is no substitute for fresh water.”

– Paul Ehrich, from The Population Bomb, 1968