Eating garden tomatoes not a sin says Pope Leo

(Vatican) In a rare departure from socio-religious issues the leader of Roman Catholic Church today decreed that eating juicy, homegrown tomatoes was not in conflict with its teachings.

     Pope Leo XIV told a throng of well-wishers in St Peter’s Square that although eating a drippy, sweet, red and meaty garden-grown tomato feels much like a mortal sin, it is not. It is not even a venial sin.

     He further encourages his flock to “eat as many tomatoes as you like while the season is on”.

     Pope Leo, an American, went on to say that he misses his garden in suburban Chicago and that a newly tilled one will be up and running next year in the Vatican.

     “The Pontiff was too busty addressing war, poverty, starvation and racism to plant a garden this spring,” said a close aide. “Next year we hope to have corn over there (he gestured toward a basilica) and cucumbers over there. The tomatoes will be right in the middle getting full sun in the morning and shade in the afternoon.

     The aide refused to comment when abruptly asked why the Vatican does not share its vast wealth with the impoverished of the planet.

     Recent criticism leveled at the Church claims the religious body hoards riches and does not do enough to help the poor, especially those living in Latin America and Africa.

     “Sure, they have all kinds of beneficial programs,” said one man who would like to see all of the Vatican gold redistributed to the poor.

     “Isn’t that what Jesus would have done?” he smiled.

     Back at St Peters the Pope told a cheering crowd that tomato sauces, stuffed tomatoes, tomato soup and even such nominally secular dishes as tomato bisque and fried green tomatoes are all fine to consume, even on meatless Fridays..

     “These are not at odds with the doctrines and practices of Christianity,” said the Pope who scoffed at dispensations for eating apples.

     “Especially when they are offered by snakes,” he laughed, “which is not a likely scenario.”

     In closing the Pontiff warned the faithful about the pitfalls of eating genetically modified foods, which he said, is directly against the teachings of Christ and the Apostles as well as the Bible.

     He also expressed distaste for what he called Christian arrogance and Judeo-Christian cherry-pickers who he said will not enter the gates of Paradise no matter how many hours they log in at a pew or Bible study.

– St Roscoe of Runnymouthe