Indian Winter Astrograph

If your birthday falls this month rise to the occasion quietly. Keep gatherings within fire code and make sure most guests get home before dawn. This is a great time for romance but don’t start squeezing the invited merchandise until after the candles have been extinguished. If you already have a lover, ignore all advice from solitary wizards and lone matchmakers. Keep your oil clean and your transmission in a lower gear. Taurus may be the anchor but a windy Capricorn will help you get back to the harbor.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Avoid organic. It doesn’t fit over your snap bean ego, not to mention that drooping cauliflower ear. You actually possess one rare and abrasive eyebrow and a forced, corn-fed disposition. Bales of straw will be thy peers, moo cows thy sacred confidantes. Interrupt frustrations with reflections of natural disasters such as the emergence and evolution of humanity. If you want to get a rooster’s attention talk to him outside the hen house. Tonight: Down by the old gristmill.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Keeping your head above water is not necessarily suggested, you know…with the fins, gills, and all. You may soon be on a roll but it could be accompanied by hush puppies and slaw. Although somewhat repetitious, your life is at least predictably serene. Take time to consider options. Remember: In the land of the blind, a one-eyed man is king. Look before you bite. After all, how much cuisine can there be on the end of a hook? Attention to personal hygiene will not help bottom feeders. Tonight: Make waves.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Hopes for a raise will fall. Excess, rather than success should be your highest priority. Money will follow. How do you expect to climb the corporate ladder in sensible shoes? The basement office generally comes sans window but is the safest place to work during a tornado or hurricane. Keep a current letter of resignation in the top drawer and a bottle of cheer in the bottom right drawer. By Tuesday, it will likely be Friday before it’s Monday again. Tonight: Sleep in the shower.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Avoid the temptation to push the buttons of others especially while they are busy pulling on your chain. A cranky lover is like a one-armed trapeze artist, or maybe not. Journey outside your social circle toward your emotional rectangle or even your Spiritual Square and stop blaming others for the sad shape you are in. Open doors only when going in or out. Irrelevance is your ongoing virtue. Tonight: Keep it simple. You certainly are.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Following instincts is better than following a fertilizer wagon. Your fiery ideas are of no interest to persons still wet behind the ears. Life is one big gamble, so why not just shut up and deal? When you do get a good idea into your motivation it is often overwhelmed by the vast expanse of that flat, cranial landscape. Develop vacant lots between your ears. Collecting food stamps is an acceptable winter hobby. Tonight: Dine on Ding Dongs
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Concentrate on the dualism of mind and matter while compiling your weekly grocery list. Memories of the past should in no way compete with tendencies to fantasize about the future. Never allow stubbornness to subvert a tactical retreat when it involves frosty romance. Putting a bag over your head only serves to accentuate the rest of your shabby self. Your solar chart wants nothing to do with you either. Push yourself just a little bit harder today especially when you are near cliffs and atop tall buildings. Tonight: TV dinners until dawn.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Plan ahead since tomorrow has already made reservations. Take pain not to lap yourself before noon. The collision course that you have chosen has few pit stops. An elitist masseuse may rub you the wrong way. Follow through on passion’s promises, account for sultry details, confront the enemies of decadence. The peanut butter and jelly sandwich is not your invention. Finding the right person is like sorting socks. That’s all, sorting socks. One size almost fits all. Tonight: It’s never too early to send Christmas cards.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Sometimes it’s a thin line between laid back and laid out. Attempt some body movement so that co-workers know you are breathing. Cough, sneeze, get up and walk around your desk. Anything. You may be dull but you are certainly no candidate for an ulcer. If you seek career advancement, you must learn to take responsibility. The plants on the fifth floor need pruning. Somebody in cubicle seventeen is out of rubber bands. Tonight: Visit a thick friend.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
An explosive mixture of emotions in the air could be the result of diet. It’s better to be up for grabs than down for the count. If others want to fight help them tie their gloves. Challenge the loser. In a one-horse town, it’s imperative to carry a bucket of oats if you want a ride. If you insist on poking a hornet’s nest do so with someone else’s nose. Don’t expect a free lunch when you still have breakfast on your face. Tonight: Dine with the neighborhood cannibal.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
The path to hell is negotiated one step at a time. The Sun in Aquarius may require a building permit. Tomorrow’s conjunction of Mars and Jupiter is becoming quite disruptive and could close the liquor stores. A competitor’s footprint on the back of your head may be both indicative and disconcerting. If you love someone, spell it out. Use one-syllable words and flash cards if necessary. This is not a great time to play hard-to-get if your intention is to be got. Tonight: Vegetable oil bombs at twenty paces.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Don’t read too much into all this astrological crap and you won’t be disappointed by dark and stormy nights and/or less than shooting stars. Relax. Take a nice long meteor shower before bed. Be careful of small-minded people in big hats through the 29th. Planetary activity in the well being sector of your chart dictates a wholehearted embrace of rapture. Hint: The sins of the flesh have nothing to do with how you like your steak. Tonight: Fired pinon nuts and milk.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
One may find it tough to jockey for position from high in the saddle or behind the horse. A bribe in the judge’s chambers is worth two on the gallows. If you do nothing at this time, you cannot create dangerous precedents for later. From the look of your chart, your social life is about to escalate. From the look of your outfit, clowns are involved. Learn the difference between unwanted repercussions and unwanted leper cousins. Tonight: Practice body slams.
– General Kashmir Horseshoe
Delphian Alchemist to the Stars