People who live on dirt roads far happier souls

(Djibouti) Human beings who reside on earthen paths tend to be better adjusted and more capable of dealing with life’s often shoddy handouts than counterparts who dwell on asphalt byways. 

     According to an exhausting study compiled by Vacant Lot Magazine, persons who find themselves on more natural footing are healthier and more energetic. The study did not consider cross references to sand and bare feet in the appraisal.

     The data harvested herein reflects on daily rituals of persons living in the rural western United States and those merely existing on the fringe waiting for something of value to occur before lunch.

     Conducted as part of the entrance requirements for the freshman class at Western State University of Gunnison, the examination asks the question: Do you expect to grow corn after the asphalt is down? It in no way attempts to explain dust particles, chuckholes or intrusive rocks on the surface but rather to determine the state of bliss for a small control group oblivious to the benefits inherent to dirt road living.

     “This is not a geological undertaking,” said one professor here. “It is strictly sociological.”

     Since earlier this year groups of prospective students have interviewed hundreds of people living between Parlin and Paradox recording responses to questions equating dirt roads and happiness. At present the group is bivouacked in front of the Ridgway Post Office, acknowledged gateway to some of the finest dirt roads in the nation. Tomorrow the group will ride dirt bikes to downtown Redvale’s backstreets which are said to straddle the 38^th Parallel on its ever-winding way toward Disappointment Canyon. They are then slated to spend the evening at the OK Fellowship Church just west of Bob’s Paving and Live Bait.  

     “A lot of people think this study is ludicrous,” said the faculty advisor, “and then there’s the ones who don’t know the meaning of the word.”

– Sergio Jingles

…the worst of it was that he sincerely believed the gibberish he was talking. Due to an inferiority complex, he had encased himself in an armor of the cheapest nationalism.”

– Rector Francois of National Socialist teacher, Dr Volgelstang in The Oppermanns.