Saint Roscoe Appears to Gamblers

(Black Hawk — “The 3.2 Sin Report” — 4 am in the summer, 2017)

The self-describe Patron Saint of TV Dinners and Tasteless Lawn Furniture, St Roscoe of Cahone, reportedly appeared to several low-stake gamblers here over the weekend. His muffled message: “Happy days are here again!”

That was it.

The supposed apparition, first seen at about ten in the morning in the lounge at the Dead Broke Casino by a Montrose man, Delbar Tinkleholland, hovered over the service bar then quickly moved out into the black jack section before landing feverishly to the quarter poker machines and then out an open window.

“This reminds me of a movie I saw once in grade school where three little kids and their alcoholic father worked in a hospital hauling lepers to and fro or something,” said a visibly shaken Tinkleholland. “He was wearing a sky-blue leisure suit and white deck shoes.”

One skeptic, Bardeen Pinzon of Golden, remains unconvinced.

“I’ve seen this same kind of action down at the Mega Churches. One night the reverend lifted off and went right through the roof,” she said. “It was once of those semi-domes but one of the righteous congregation forgot to open the top. It was messy but in a few days we had another brand new reverend to guide us through this life of sin.”

Pinzon then told a story of St Roscoe’s visit.

“I was sitting there at the black jack table with a king down and an eight up. The dealer appeared to be sitting on 20. Then, out of nowhere this Tinklholland fellow jumps across the table and starts screaming about a vision. He scared the hell out of me!”

Pinzon went on to say that the then lost her concentration, drew a five of hearts and went bust.

“I think someone should police these casinos more closely and keep the loose change out there in the parking lot,” she smiled.

Another Idaho Springs woman, who demanded animosity, said the whole affair was top-drawer, mindless, nightclub flash.

“He looked just like Wayne Newton. He was definitely Wayne Newton,” she drooled.

“I’ve seen him in Vegas. There’s no mistaking his voice.”

The scant credibility herein is linked to at least five gamblers referencing the blue suit and white shoes. Some 50,000 born again gamblers are expected this weekend although this pilgrimage may have little to do with St. Roscoe.

No photos survived the evening and parapsychologists from the Misty Mountains have been cautious as to sharing data.

– Susie Compost

“An army travels on it’s stomach and a newspaper travels on its liver.” – General US Wanamann, protesting last call at the Talk of the Clown Tavern, Lost Lake, Colorado.