Fantasy Democracy Leagues Forming This Summer

Fantasy Democracy is an interactive, virtual competition in which voters manage professional politicians engaged in government functions. Teams, drafted by participating voters, are manned and womaned by elected officials allowing the people to manage a pseudo (or shadow) government.

Voters form these squads of competitive politicians by electing, dismissing, discrediting, dropping, trading and funding candidates and incumbents from the two existing political parties in the United States. Third party candidates, veterans and rookies, are often invited to minicamps and other tryouts but usually find themselves on practice squads or competing in the Canadian leagues.

The rules are quite simple and direct, governed by the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. They set down strict limitations, performance enhancement methodology and the means to score points. This third element of the growing sport’s infrastructure is most important.

In most arrangements, total points count higher than win-loss records, which allows players to climb the ladder of success while their constituents remain at ground level looking up. Penalty flags inadvertently thrown will be retrieved when nobody’s watching.

Voters attempt to fill their individual rosters with high-powered players possessing the proven ability to score. Points are awarded based on endorsements, military contracts, pork barrel legislation passed, bills introduced, campaign funds accumulated and committees chaired.

High profile participants such as a Majority Whip or even the President can fall victim when indiscretions, bad judgment or outright crimes taint off-the-field behavior. Executive privilege only goes so far and offending players are subject to review and loss of accumulated points at any time. Fines and suspensions are often levied in these cases but punishments often result in no more than a slap on the wrist followed by reinstatement to the Court (see Millionaire’s Club). Illegal procedure is only a five-yard penalty and is often perceived as part of operational expense by club owners.

When Fantasy Democracy first emerged, the teams were limited to elected officials born in the United States. Today’s lineups are chocked full of Supreme Quart members, Pentagon officials, Cabinet members, IRS staffers, CIA operators and even lobbyists. Although most of this is blamed on Free Agency and the hybrid Electoral College-Popular Vote, the issues of entry fees and salary caps have driven a wedge between honorable service and the daily workings of the gov’ment.

Any candidate for political office must have operating capital. The higher and most prestigious the office, the higher to ante. Is every player seated in the Senate a millionaire? Is everyone running for dogcatcher affluent? Where is the integrity card and when is it played? Who are the referees and why are they standing silently in the end zone??

But enough moralizing about the quick kick, four-and-out government and its bureau running hacks     breezing through the wedge, evading the real issues with a smokescreen of En Bloc Amendments, dull draw plays, pathetic fourth down conversions and gluttonous campaign fundraising. Let’s talk about hands-on Fantasy Democracy.

Each team or political cell is comprised of 18 players including offensive and defensive squads, special teams and benches. Backups are allowed so as to accommodate injuries, fact-finding trips, recesses, interrupted limo services, complimentary health care programs, lucrative life pensions, and opportunities to sell one’s soul in the private sector after the term/show is over. Most teams and leagues follow the associated field positions below:

President-QB

Vice President -Blocking FB

Senators-Running Backs

Representatives-Tight Ends

Minority Whip – Placekicker

Ways and Means – Team defense

Homeland Security – Special teams

Supreme Quart Justices – Bench.

By design, trades are only made for players of equal position, wealth and experience. (An owner can’t trade the junior senator from South Dakota for the President.) All swaps must be then approved by Ethics Review Board and are subject to veto by the President at full throttle and braking on the curves of public opinion. The actual election is the draft, followed by the refried simulation of politics as usual on the yard markers and in the hot dog stands. Stimulus packages, chop blocks, off-sides violations, waiver rules, standing committees and hits on defenseless Congressional pages will again be tabled until the body convenes in the fall. Scoring often follows within a set of parameters stored under the banner of National Security.

OFFENSE

Major sponsored action passed by both Senate and House  -7 points

Minor originating bill becomes law – 5 points

Pro-war jingoism that leads to profitable weapons sales  – 5 points

Effective filibusters – 4 points

End-runs on the economy – 4 points

Ridiculous slogan embraced by the electorate during the campaign  – 3 points

Passing the buck  – 3 points

Burial of real issue legislation  – 3 points

Rushing yards greater than Absenteeism ratio  – 2points

Scoring in Red Zones of the economy, healthcare, immigration, world peace, quality of life   – 2 points

DEFENSE

Private sector turnovers  – 7 points

Parliamentary safety   – 7 points

Presidential sack (veto override) 6 points

Roughing the passer (Cluster voting)   – 6 points

Illegal hands to the face during campaigns   – 6 points

Bi-Partisan fumble recovery   5 points

Cloakroom interceptions   – 5 points

Open field tackling across the partisan aisle   – 4 points

Budget by-pass successfully defended   – 4 points

Bill squashed that would aid developing defenses without petroleum deposits   – 4 points

In some more sophisticated leagues net worth before and after political career qualifies the player to gain double points. A body slam on Nancy Pelosi or a violent separation of Mick McDonnell from the ball is generally awarded 10 points. Sleazy attacks by Party hacks and blatant facemask violations will be reviewed by House and Senate Statue of Liberty inquiries in accordance with Worldwide Governance Indicators (WGI). Concussions suffered on the field will not negate science or create bigger government in the huddle (Recede and Concur).

Constitutional Enthusiasts can follow the play-by-play on C-Span (Operated by ESPN) where the main venue is Wash D.C. No matter what your party affiliation the diversionary effects of Fantasy Democracy will create fodder for meaningless discussion and put more government in your bloomers.

Lobbyists (or coaches) are to remain on the sidelines (in their think tanks) at all time and in no way are to cross onto the playing field. In the event of a breach herein a quorum will be called after the rushing party chants One Mississippi during all Lame Duck pass plays.

Critics insist that Fantasy Democracy and games like it have destroyed the legislative process. We say partisan squabbles settled on the gridiron leave a more lasting pecking order among Judicial, Legislative and Executive levels of the McGovernment.

As the pendulum swings, voters (fans) can undoubtedly block more kicks and hold pigskin scoundrels accountable but it will take a team effort. It’s all there in your playbook. Just look at the Xs and Os.

– Kashmir Horseshoe