Delimm, MA

Uptown and Downtown Colona, Colorado

(Geographically Challenged News Briefs – Gunnison, CO – January 10, 2015)
Discarded state abbreviations shed a lot of light on names of locations, all of which are said to be real places within the confines of the United States. Oh sure, the newer abbreviations are more functional but they are no fun.
By Donald Powers Jr.
The names of towns and cities across our nation show staggeringly little imagination on the part of various founders who apparently just stuck a name on a place without much consideration as to the primary reason for its existence. This is particularly acute in the Southwest where Spanish names are duplicated horrendously despite the chance for diversity and creativity.
Big business is failing to digest an obvious opportunity to capitalize on communal nomenclature that would reap, among other benefits, the kind of free publicity and advertising that money could not buy.
Lastly, the different levels of government have ignored the advantages of naming a locale for the purpose it may serve, opting to name a place after some dysfunctional, yet favored politician three decades in the ground.
What I am proposing makes sense, common sense to be exact. Company towns have sprung up from the Dakotas to Florida. Why hasn’t a company like Proctor and Gamble built such a settlement in the Pacific Northwest? They could call it Clean, Wash.
There are bottling companies in virtually every major U.S. city. Why isn’t there one in Pepsi, Colo., or with a little poetic license, Coca, Okla.? For weight watchers we’d have Low, Cal. They would face ungodly competition from Un, Colo.
(Ed note: As one might further perceive the abbreviations used here are a little archaic but they still are valid and in use in their longer versions in many spots. Rather than spew critique you will find it easier and certainly more amusing to just play along.)
And it gets more perplexing. There are no manufacturing plants in Tin, Kan; no mines in Pure, Ore; and they don’t even race horses at Bell, Mont.!
As I pointed out earlier the government shares the guilt. How much easier would it be to operate our penal system if it were housed in one building at Federal, Penn., with inmates eventually paroled at Yura, Conn.
Or how about an educational institution at Countta, Tenn. And Ithinki, Kan.? Even the seat of our government could be relocated to Sultans, Calif..
And in the spirit of gender equality we would build senior citizens centers in Mawan, Pa and in Pawan, Ma.
If the feds decide to investigate big gambling’s mob connection at Eeniemeeny Miney, Mo. They could question the dons at Shuttadetra, Pa, if they would name the town and build it. But they don’t care about the way things sound. They didn’t even bother to build the FBI institute at Pro, Tex..
One western state that brags about the quality of its atmosphere has still, after all these years, failed to find the city of Fresh, Ariz.. Kentucky exports horses and bourbon but there’s no Whisk, Ky. on their map. Meanwhile farther south we cannot identify anything near Shangri, La..
Religion, too, could greatly benefit from this schematic. While invariably there would be many faithless souls in Infa, Del. There would be tens of thousands of their brothers and sisters who, heedless of sacrifice, would trek from the corners of the world for the annual pilgrimage at Snof, Ala..
All of us know where to fight Eve, Ill. And do our penance at Weaves, Ind. Finally, when the time comes for that final roll call up yonder, where would be a more fitting place for a funeral than Requiem, Mass.
But for the living the laughs go on at vaudeville halls called Fun, NY., Ha, Ha.. And don’t forget the opera house at Trala, La..
You could ship Salvation Army donations to Broe, Kan. And take music lessons at Doeray, Me. or Pick, Colo., or maybe even Umpah, Pa..
Sports would stand to gain too. Some games would experience a complete revival as might occur in Kicks, Kan.. I can envision a world-class archery range at Bowenir, Ha. As well as the multi-million dollar keystone stadium at Balp, Ark. Life would be skating along in Hock, Ky. While they’d be throwing horseshoes and/or hand grenades at Near, Miss..
Just watch out for the barbecue in Toe, Maine. (OK, so sometimes we have to use the full name of some places to tell the joke).
Scientific foundations would also flourish as never before when stimulated by these methods:
a.) All sufferers of athlete’s foot would be only too happy to contribute to a prevention center in Fung, Ga.
b.) The increasing reports of flying saucers have made it mandatory to construct a research facility in Utink, Utah.
c.) Ecologists warn of an increasing list of endangered species and our youth must be made aware of this disaster. Consequently we should build a zoological mating garden at Noah’s, Ark..
d.) Archeology too is engaged in a desperate search for a new museum at Mumm, Me.. What about the field of physics and the suggested experimental laboratory at Iwonder, Wy.?
e.) And once and for all we could settle the mysteries of evolution at a secular study center in Munk, Ky..
If you’re getting married why not try the chapel at Ohla, La. Or the grotto at Dearest, Miss.? But maybe Dower, Wy is more your style. Either way Shotgun, Pa. is no picnic but it’s far better than Forgot, Tenn. Quite the Delimm, MA.
I myself will dispatch with all the matrimony and run for mayor in Hoe, Ore..
THEE, N.D.