All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
HOWDY LAW RESCINDED
(Montrose) Litigious howdy legislation, originally hammered out by the city council here in Pre-Walmart days, has been repealed by state authorities who claim sovereignty in matters of public interaction. The somewhat popular howdy edict had called for fines, and in sensitive cases incarceration, to be imposed on unfriendly citizens who didn’t say “Howdy” when passing their fellows on city streets.
Pedestrians unaccustomed to returning a greeting have been encouraged to get with the program or face the music,” said a current councilperson. “Social erosion and the loss of neighborliness are at stake here!”
With all of the new residents in these valleys we must enforce this edict,” said another proponent of the Howdy Law. “We must show them the high road or risk losing our souls.”
In another camp Rep. Greg Garias disagreed saying that if people don’t want to say hello it is their business.
“It’s not that I’m saying Colorado was friendlier before. It’s just that now we are more cosmopolitan, more diverse, more distracted,” said Garias sponsor of the controversial Make My Day Law. “Today we talk to machines and eat fast food. We consume in discount houses that smell of mutation and evil. In these days of drive-by shootings and home security systems if people don’t say Howdy or return a wave they shouldn’t face official castigation.”
Critics of Garias contend that he is mad but suggest that police departments are far too busy writing DUIs to undress the subject of social breakdown.
– Suzie Compost
FLASH
Members of NATO expressed shock and awe today upon receipt of verification that many Third World countries are sitting on an immense cache of bows and arrows. The arsenal may even include battering rams, shields and catapults. Radical aggressors include Mexico, Bolivia, Tanzania, Malaysia and a defiant Wyoming, feared to be armed to the teeth by anyone’s standards.
Further rumors strongly suggest that some of the more warlike may possess cross-bows, which are illegal in most parts of the civilized world as well as long-range spears camouflaged as surface-to-air missiles.
There was no measured response this morning although sources at NATO promised to keep at least one firm eye on the growing confrontation.
Student Suspended for Bringing Book to School
(Carne Canyon) Tommy Middlefinger 12,, a problem child, was put on indefinite suspension after a loaded book was found in his locker at Lee Harvey Oswald Middle School here. Middlefinger had apparently taken the book from his father, who had left it lying around in full view of the adolescent. The little culprit was busted after he was observed flashing the book around in the lunchroom at at afternoon recess.
“What we have here is a volatile situation in the making,” said LHO principal John Bookburne. “Imagine the chaos that would surely reign if every student brought just one small-caliber book into these hallowed halls. Soon teachers would have to arm themselves with books too,” he winced. “It would start with text books then escalate into all out war with assault classics and long-range ballistic technical journals wheeled in for the kill!”
Bookburne went on to say that the schools are here to babysit and produce little robots for placement in society.
“Most book have no place in education,” he said.
Middlefinger’s parents have yet to be contacted since both are heavy readers themselves and were at the library at the time of the incident.
“Somehow we aren’t surprised,” rattled Bookburne. Children learn by example.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Observations of Colorado by the “Juneau What”
Sand Dunes National Park
Whether you’re hoity toity or hoi polloi you’ll like these shorties…
Wardrobe Malfunction Sinks Cruz
(Denver) While aides call the much publicized tit slip by a Texas Congressman “an embarrassing accident, commentaries from Bellingham to Key West are suggesting another motivation altogether.
Ted Cruz, (R-TX) had just finished his speech Friday night and was departing the stage when his tie and shirt became snarled exposing a little too much for the conservative, religious audience. In seconds Cruz, in an aborted attempt to right the situation, exposed an estimated three inches of chest skin and at least one bosom.
“The entire tit thing was just an attempt to distract his audience from the fact that in two hours he didn’t say anything useful or worthwhile,” said a fallen away Republican now working as a translator for the Libertarian Party. “Did anyone else notice that his tongue was hanging out of his mouth too?”
Supporters of Cruz say the incident just points to the human side of their candidate. They added that no major changes in wardrobe or perception are planned. Meanwhile Cruz blamed the entire incident on Obamacare.
Arizona Gains Failed Nation Status
The Grand Canyon state today received notification that it would be classified as a Failed Nation even though it is in reality just a large state. The demotion, as it were, appears linked to stumblebum politics and the fact that without air-conditioning, hoards of new arrivals could live in the high population spots. The Grand Experiment Has Failed! Everyone back to Ohio and Michigan now!
Experts agree that too many people from other places have relocated to the state of late bringing with them mounds of tired baggage from California and the Midwest.
Recent policies on everything from immigration to Daylight Savings Time have turned what used to be a healthy maverick into a haven for the crooked and confused. Isn’t it just charming that so many of the houses in Scottsdale and Cave Creek are all done up in cookie-cutter Spanish-Mexican motif while most of the Latinos live on the West side in less than captivating trailers. Probably because they are all lazy.
Lowering Legal Drinking Age Sticky Fiscal Policy
While most economists agree that dropping the legal drinking age to eleven would help jumpstart the economy, politicians are eyeballing the polls prior to a House vote Tuesday.
After a 90-day study, three independent panels concluded that allowing children to legally partake of alcoholic beverages would bump the tax coffers by billions of dollars in new revenue.
Insiders shouted down proposals from outsiders. People fidgeted in their seats. Coffee was served. Then everyone went home to practice campaigning in the mirror.
Sources on Capital Hill discounted estimates that the new loosening of restrictions would pay off the national debt.
“That’s a lot of money,” laughed one senator.
“Dropping the drinking age to 11 could pay off the national debt in weeks
says a leading TV pop-sociologist, Dr Marvin T. Fogy BFD. “I’ve done the math. Even when dealing with untested control groups we can predict quantitative behavior in a matter of mega-seconds, employing cloud reading in the sky at dusk. If 11 is a little early …maybe 14?”
Meanwhile corporate interests watch the drama unfold knowing that they will not have to change massive marketing plans so as to brainwash a new generation of drinkers.
“Our TV ads have always been aimed at 12-year-olds and not necessarily the brightest of that grouping,” said an industry spokesman. “There’s not much we can do now but sit back and let our lobbyists do their magic.”
Hungry Mountain Men Attack Boar’s Head Truck
(Guston) Desperate, starving mountain men, accustomed to eating roots and berries like the bears,ambushed a Boar’s Head cold cut delivery truck Friday morning devouring its contents in less than an hour.
Furloughed snowplow drivers, arriving on the scene in the first few minutes after the heist, tell a tale of contentment, painting a buckskin-clad throng as peaceful and drowsy after the huge feed. Many of the moccasin men turned enthusiastic backwoods gobblers had eaten clean through the plastic wrapping and packaging foam that had covered the lunchmeat before the primitive dining ordeal.
“They were all sitting in a big circle finishing their plunder of rare roast beef, Black Forest ham an Gouda cheese.,” said one first responder. “They didn’t seem to notice our arrival but when police helicopters began arriving they quickly canned the buffet and dispersed.
The driver of the Boar’s Head truck, Slim Tinkleholland of Delta, was released unharmed.
“This is not the usual modus operandi of these bloodthirsty bands,” said Tinkleholland. “Far too often we find the victims of these sporadic assaults stripped of their belongings, scalped* and left for the wolves and carnivorous marmots. I don’t enjoy making this trek alone especially after dark.”
Rapid bands of rogue marauders enjoy targeting hapless tourists who are robbed and left to the elements, their RVs and autos parted out, their children seized for the burgeoning slave market in Santa Fe. Visitors are encouraged to carry firearms since a shot over the head can be enough to deter an attack. Hollow point ammunition, designed to penetrate the tough deerskin armor preferred by these coonskin assailants is readily available on both sides of the pass. It is recommended by law enforcement agencies.
“A protective poodle or pekingese won’t be of much help in the heat of battle,” said one sheriff’s deputy. “We suggest a heavy arsenal which might include grenades, surface-to-air missiles and even a drone if you got one. Tanks are nice too.
“One might expect these ravenous bumpkins to scurry off at the first sight of modern man but most just say along the roadway gorging themselves,” said one Arizona motorist who filmed most of the exchange before being driven off by a volley of bullets fired by local militia. “They resembled a pride of lions after a kill.”
Sources at the corporate offices of the lunchmeat concern say they have no intention of pressing charges against the usurpers who they say are simply caught up in another time and not entirely to blame for their actions.
“They have no beaver and most of the land is either private or federal which leaves these brave frontiersmen no place to go and nothing much to eat.”
Boar’s head plans to shoot a series of commercials spotlighting the plight of these nomadic mountain men while showcasing a new line of bison salami expected on the shelves by Christmas.
*A European practice taught to the native tribes in North America by French and English trappers.
