Hungry Mountain Men Attack Boar’s Head Truck

(Guston) Desperate, starving mountain men, accustomed to eating roots and berries like the bears,ambushed a Boar’s Head cold cut delivery truck Friday morning devouring its contents in less than an hour.
Furloughed snowplow drivers, arriving on the scene in the first few minutes after the heist, tell a tale of contentment, painting a buckskin-clad throng as peaceful and drowsy after the huge feed. Many of the moccasin men turned enthusiastic backwoods gobblers had eaten clean through the plastic wrapping and packaging foam that had covered the lunchmeat before the primitive dining ordeal.
“They were all sitting in a big circle finishing their plunder of rare roast beef, Black Forest ham an Gouda cheese.,” said one first responder. “They didn’t seem to notice our arrival but when police helicopters began arriving they quickly canned the buffet and dispersed.
The driver of the Boar’s Head truck, Slim Tinkleholland of Delta, was released unharmed.
“This is not the usual modus operandi of these bloodthirsty bands,” said Tinkleholland. “Far too often we find the victims of these sporadic assaults stripped of their belongings, scalped* and left for the wolves and carnivorous marmots. I don’t enjoy making this trek alone especially after dark.”
Rapid bands of rogue marauders enjoy targeting hapless tourists who are robbed and left to the elements, their RVs and autos parted out, their children seized for the burgeoning slave market in Santa Fe. Visitors are encouraged to carry firearms since a shot over the head can be enough to deter an attack. Hollow point ammunition, designed to penetrate the tough deerskin armor preferred by these coonskin assailants is readily available on both sides of the pass. It is recommended by law enforcement agencies.
“A protective poodle or pekingese won’t be of much help in the heat of battle,” said one sheriff’s deputy. “We suggest a heavy arsenal which might include grenades, surface-to-air missiles and even a drone if you got one. Tanks are nice too.
“One might expect these ravenous bumpkins to scurry off at the first sight of modern man but most just say along the roadway gorging themselves,” said one Arizona motorist who filmed most of the exchange before being driven off by a volley of bullets fired by local militia. “They resembled a pride of lions after a kill.”
Sources at the corporate offices of the lunchmeat concern say they have no intention of pressing charges against the usurpers who they say are simply caught up in another time and not entirely to blame for their actions.
“They have no beaver and most of the land is either private or federal which leaves these brave frontiersmen no place to go and nothing much to eat.”
Boar’s head plans to shoot a series of commercials spotlighting the plight of these nomadic mountain men while showcasing a new line of bison salami expected on the shelves by Christmas.
*A European practice taught to the native tribes in North America by French and English trappers.

Filed Under: Soft News

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