All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

WORDS ARE OUR FRIENDS

with Ella Benedictine Rockefeller
Can you define the following words?
1. GOOGOL: a.) Ten to the hundredth power; b.) To stare at someone stupidly; c.) A turncoat lieutenant in the service to Genghis Khan; d.) To purposely goose someone and later pretend the victim was one’s wife or husband.
2. ZONDA: a.) a small Japanese car; b.) The name of Dobbie Gillis’ girlfriend; c.) A hot wind of the Argentine pampas; d.) A cheese made from the pasteurized milk of a adolescent yak.
3. JEHU: a.) A Himalayan rope suspension bridge; b.) Someone who drives too fast; c.) A hayseed, a yahoo or someone from Hooterville; d.) The practice of eating dirt, gravel or yellow snow; e.) All of the above.
4. AGRESTIAN: a.) of the land; b.) A tribe inhabiting Northern Albania; c.) Growing wild in irrigation ditches; d.) Someone who is stupid but thinks he is way cool.
5. BUCKEEN: a.) A young man of lesser gentry aping the manners of the greater; an idle shabby young dandy (Irish); b.) Change for a Ten-spot in Wales; c.) Bad knees resulting from athletic abuse and unfortunate genetics; d.) The habit of jockeying back and forth on the potty in an fruitless attempt to relieve discomfort caused by Xiuhtecutli, the Aztec fire god.

Chief Ouray’s RV Unearthed Near Sneffels Townsite

Researchers and people with nothing else to occupy their daylight hours have announced the discovery of what they believe to be the recreational vehicle once owned and operated by the late Chief of the Utes, Ouray.
Although the exact site of the revelation has been cloaked in secrecy, a list of articles found inside has been released. Archeologists on the job say the pieces of the puzzle are fitting together well and prove the outfit to be the real deal, the property of the articulate Ute.
“We have yet to begin the carbon dating tests,” said P. Wilton Gold, “but it is clear that it is the RV that Ouray drove from the Portland (north of Ouray) camp to Delta for the winter. Perhaps the most significant find has been the poker chips and and IOU signed by Otto Mears, the Pathfinder and turncoat of the San Juans. Mears was a friend of Ouray’s although history might record things quite differently when all the information has been collected.
“We know that the two played poker regularly on Thursday nights at the Ouray Elks and that the stakes were high…likely leading to the Brunot Treaty and the subsequent expulsion of the native groups from these San Juans, (so the white folks could mine the money).
In addition to the IOUs other items listed include a Milwaukee Braves baseball cap, a Big Chief tablet, a case of Red Man Chew and a crumpled photograph of Ulysses S Grant, the reigning President before and after the Utes moved to Utah.
“In the information age this appears to be quite enough for us to substantiate a theory or two,” said Gold.
Additional more personal items are expected to be added to the master list soon to be released by a crack excavation team from Ignacio.

Summer in Pitkin

Pitkin firehouse

COLONA COUNTY LINE

     I guess this column could be called The View From Colona, as the editor suggested, or Storm King Reflections or some such nonsense, but it’s not. It’s called Colona County Line since this lovely little turn in the road is right smack on the border of Montrose and Ouray Counties. It might have been called From the Front Porch or better yet, From the Throne, so consider yourself fortunate.
That established, let’s go on.
Bordered by Log Hill Mesa, the Uncompahgre River and Buckhorn, Colona was established as a ranching and logging center as well as a stop along the railroad. Since it’s not really a town (according to the Division of Transportation) no specific founding dates or ribbon cuttings are applicable. It came to be sometime between 1888 and 1922, OK?
Colona County Line sounds kind of Johnny Cashesque, don’t you think? Maybe The New Yorker will want to publish this piece (esque and all).
Saturday Morning Cowboy Movies
Sometimes I think Colona is the most peaceful spot on earth. From my porch I see pastures, pinon covered adobe hills and the white San Juans to the distant south. At night there are a million stars and a resident herd elk graze across the road. The back streets and alleys are a treasure filled with discarded pieces of life. A few nights back a good size black bear wandered down by the old packing house…right there on the main street. The traffic noise from nearby Highway 550 is no problem. Just turn up the music and it goes away.
The Ranching Museum is here as well, a fine collection of relics and antiques from the golden age of cattle raising. Will it someday be surrounded by suburbs to nowhere inhabited by people who don’t give a hoot about ranching? Ah, the novelty of it all. A cowboy clothing boutique? Maybe a cowboy theme park? Hey pard, want to ride the nice horsy? Where will all the ranching families go after they sell off their land? I hear Wyoming is nice.
Big plans here for more houses and people to live inside them. Right now developers are busy sprucing up the place to make it just right for the newcomers. They are painting and landscaping. Even the gravel is getting a facelift. Savior faire, mo fos. Maybe we will all be smack in the middle of a 1950s cowboy movie with good guys and bad guys shooting at each other from across the highway. Maybe we’ll have real Indians and stage coaches and false fronts on the historic buildings, but I do not want to belabor the point.
Meet Me in Colona, Mona
It is easy enough to see why anyone would be exited at the prospect of writing a column about Colona, but after looking around I realized that very little is actually going on. The news is scant, but not scandalous. The pace is chronically minimal so I will have to be innovative (make things up) as I go. If there was a newspaper here the front page stories would probably read Dog Crosses Road or Commuter Parking Lot Set For Expansion. One pretty much has to drive to Montrose or Ridgway to buy toothpaste. If it weren’t for the gas pumps at Colona Store a person could be stranded here for all eternity, but that might not be so bad.
Next Time: Should Colona de designated a Nuclear Free Zone?

LOCAL RANCHER SELLS OUT TO BOVINE INTEREST

(Montrose) A local ranch concern, determined not to sell land to developers, has sold its holdings to his cows. In quite a innovative move, the 800-acre site has been legally transferred to what lawyers equate as employees.
“One hears of companies selling out to its workers,” said Warren Glick of the lawfirm Mortsern, Hamill and Glick. “The Toole familyy has simply expanded that concept and have unloaded it on their cows. Sure, the animals don’t have any money of their own but with quiet transfers of funds, some storefront commerce, a few commodity exchanges and a bundle of tax free maneuvers a family that once could not afford new shoes is now living off the interest payments.”
The Melvin Toole family had been ranching in the Uncompahgre Valley for over a hundred years. Although as pioneers these hardy folk faced hardships and turmoil these didn’t seem to compare with the current financial situation. The temptation to deal off sacred holdings to suburb builders weighed heavy on their minds.
“We’d rather deal with a locusts or drought than the current market reality,” said Belle Toole from her redwood porch swing on Spring Creek Mesa. “You figure the math. We sell a chicken for a dime, some food brokerage cuts it up, packages it all nice, and sells it for five bucks. Now I didn’t shine at math,” she stressed, “but it don’t take an abacus to figure out who’s getting screwed.”
As a result of the current squeeze the Tooles no longer hold deed to their property but it’s still in the family, sort of.
“The principal stockholders (cows) have voted with their feet and hired my husband, Melvin, to be CEO of this place, said Ms Toole. “In essence he calls all the shots because he has the key to the haystack. As long as these investors get fed they don’t squawk. It’s an incredible parallel to what goes on at corporate board meetings all over the world.”
In addition to the convenience of a “home-owned” agricultural operation there are definite tax advantages in bovine-run ranches.
“Let the feds and the county determine visible assets in the herd,” said Toole. “Let the banker foreclose on a bunch of Herefords. Let them try. Unlike humans these animals have rights. We’d have the ASPCA, the Humane Society and a host of other animal protection groups on their butts before the sun went down for the day.”
Toole added that the cows seem to have a new found pride due to the transfer. She says unexcused absences have decreased and worker apathy is also on the down trend.
“We have suspended the time clock and pay overtime in vacation credits,” said Toole, and the cows seem happier, better adjusted than ever. It’s amazing what one can do with a little sharing, a little creative financing.”
In addition to operating their employee-owned ranch Mr. Toole makes asparagus accessories and Mrs. Toole runs a topless tiki bar at Colona. – Suzie Compost

People who reject underwear live longer – report

(Lake San Cristobal) People who don’t wear underwear live an average of five more years than those who regularly don the restrictive apparel, a three-year study says. Whether it’s the underwear itself or simply the thought of another layer of clothing, those who embrace skivvies seem at a greater risk of heart attack, stroke and even the common cold.
“Quite frankly we were surprised at the results, “said Olga Droors, a former underwear manufacturer who once thought design could conquer all. “We came up with wild and slutty fashion and the results remained the same. It’s all about comfort and people who spend the day out of constraint create less stress and fewer uptight moments.”
Droors added that she was not thrilled with the results of the report since it affected her professional life but agreed that today’s population had spoken.
“Where this leaves the multitude of underwear makers and this employees is anyone’s guess. Principles here say that enough people will continue to wear underwear to avert an economic collapse in that sector,” she said.
“Is this just some kind of twisted free expression or a valid fashion statement?” asked Velour Campbell, a lingerie designer who has embraced Nascar and ice hockey in his themes.
“I don’t expect the whole industry to come crashing down just because some minimalists decide to go au natural,” he gulped.
How this will affect the concept of wearing clean underwear in case one gets into a wreck or is arrested was not clear at press time.
The study, which admits to a 30% error factor upfront, was conducted at night at a nude beach during a Victoria’s Secret (the Wal-Mart of sexy underwear) fashion show.

– Signelle de Bushe