(Montrose) Litigious howdy legislation, originally hammered out by the city council here in Pre-Walmart days, has been repealed by state authorities who claim sovereignty in matters of public interaction. The somewhat popular howdy edict had called for fines, and in sensitive cases incarceration, to be imposed on unfriendly citizens who didn’t say “Howdy” when passing their fellows on city streets.
Pedestrians unaccustomed to returning a greeting have been encouraged to get with the program or face the music,” said a current councilperson. “Social erosion and the loss of neighborliness are at stake here!”
With all of the new residents in these valleys we must enforce this edict,” said another proponent of the Howdy Law. “We must show them the high road or risk losing our souls.”
In another camp Rep. Greg Garias disagreed saying that if people don’t want to say hello it is their business.
“It’s not that I’m saying Colorado was friendlier before. It’s just that now we are more cosmopolitan, more diverse, more distracted,” said Garias sponsor of the controversial Make My Day Law. “Today we talk to machines and eat fast food. We consume in discount houses that smell of mutation and evil. In these days of drive-by shootings and home security systems if people don’t say Howdy or return a wave they shouldn’t face official castigation.”
Critics of Garias contend that he is mad but suggest that police departments are far too busy writing DUIs to undress the subject of social breakdown.
– Suzie Compost

Members of NATO expressed shock and awe today upon receipt of verification that many Third World countries are sitting on an immense cache of bows and arrows. The arsenal may even include battering rams, shields and catapults. Radical aggressors include Mexico, Bolivia, Tanzania, Malaysia and a defiant Wyoming, feared to be armed to the teeth by anyone’s standards.
Further rumors strongly suggest that some of the more warlike may possess cross-bows, which are illegal in most parts of the civilized world as well as long-range spears camouflaged as surface-to-air missiles.
There was no measured response this morning although sources at NATO promised to keep at least one firm eye on the growing confrontation.

Student Suspended for Bringing Book to School
(Carne Canyon) Tommy Middlefinger 12,, a problem child, was put on indefinite suspension after a loaded book was found in his locker at Lee Harvey Oswald Middle School here. Middlefinger had apparently taken the book from his father, who had left it lying around in full view of the adolescent. The little culprit was busted after he was observed flashing the book around in the lunchroom at at afternoon recess.
“What we have here is a volatile situation in the making,” said LHO principal John Bookburne. “Imagine the chaos that would surely reign if every student brought just one small-caliber book into these hallowed halls. Soon teachers would have to arm themselves with books too,” he winced. “It would start with text books then escalate into all out war with assault classics and long-range ballistic technical journals wheeled in for the kill!”
Bookburne went on to say that the schools are here to babysit and produce little robots for placement in society.
“Most book have no place in education,” he said.
Middlefinger’s parents have yet to be contacted since both are heavy readers themselves and were at the library at the time of the incident.
“Somehow we aren’t surprised,” rattled Bookburne. Children learn by example.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe

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