Faithful Warned of Shortages in Hereafter

(Bridge of Heaven – Ouray County, Colorado –May 25, 2015)

Persons expecting to enter the Pearly Gates should be aware of heavenly imperfections, even up there, said Rev. Price Bullwhistle, at a meeting of the Rich, Privileged Christians held last night.

Bullwhistle said that while most everything is cushy, there are a few rough spots still to work out. He then stressed that the righteous follow him in embracing a little reality where eternity is concerned.

“Many of the saved may not have their own bathroom in heaven,” he offered, “nor will all the meals feature meat. We must be patient with the angels,” he flinched. “A well-rounded Christian can adapt, especially considering the known alternatives.”

Other news covered in the three-hour session focused on eliminating political and cultural rivals and making more money for the congregation.

Quoting from the Book of Moammar, one of the Bad Angels of Orange County, Bullwhistle noted some of the more cutting shortages in the Great Beyond:

  1. Fuel is in short supply up there due in part to delivery distances and Purgatorial bandits along the way. Myths about 29-cent gas and full service garages are bunk and nothing more. Since OPEC is staffed with heathens who cannot go to heaven anyway the organization has en none to quick to drop prices.
  2. Fast food outlets are disappearing at a rapid pace since the celestial populace has rejected that fare in favor of a healthier intake. Shortages of wilted lettuce and stale ketchup have not helped the situation.
  3. Moses no longer drives a red Cadillac. He now operates a Toyota, built in Tel Aviv.
  4. Pay phones are not still 5 cents in fact they are up to a half-dollar, if one can find one that works. A call from heaven to, say, Limbo can cost $40 for 3 minutes while the cost to call hell is obscenely expensive.
  5. Lift tickets are not $10 at sacred ski resorts but have climbed to the ungodly sum of $35. Greens fees are out of this world too.

Bullwhistle went on to tell the assembled faithful that politics exhibit a mean streak in paradise, just like on earth.

“Richard Nixon was never pardoned up there,” he bellowed through his flag-draped megaphone. “He wasn’t even elected governor of California either.”

According to Bullwhistle black and white footage of the 1936 Olympics in Munich does not show Adolph Hitler shaking hands with Jesse Owens after the latter, a Black American stole the Aryan Show. Hitler, who lives downstairs, is a popular after-dinner speaker demanding 120,000 indulgences per speech. Even he complains about the quality of the whirlpool strudel, which is anonymously served by SS cheerleaders, after each performance.

On a social note Bullwhistle warned of such common myths like “I’m in heaven now so I can eat as much as I like or Forget about personal hygiene. I’m a spirit now and nobody can smell me anyway.”

Imagine if you will, started Bullwhistle, a slow-moving elevator crammed with the fat and the righteous. No toothpaste, no deodorant on this excursion. Hey, who dropped the soap?” he cackled. “Hell may indeed brandish its fury but we would have smelleth heaven’s wrath!”

The reverend continued by verifying that the New York Times Book Review and The Daily Show are easily found in heaven. He confirmed that falling through clouds injured at least 140,000 Heavenians since the turn of the last century.

“Persons who judge their neighbor down here will be saddled with less than good footing up there,” he smiled.

– Saint Roscoe of Paddycake


Filed Under: Soft News


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