All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Summer in Pitkin

Pitkin firehouse

COLONA COUNTY LINE

     I guess this column could be called The View From Colona, as the editor suggested, or Storm King Reflections or some such nonsense, but it’s not. It’s called Colona County Line since this lovely little turn in the road is right smack on the border of Montrose and Ouray Counties. It might have been called From the Front Porch or better yet, From the Throne, so consider yourself fortunate.
That established, let’s go on.
Bordered by Log Hill Mesa, the Uncompahgre River and Buckhorn, Colona was established as a ranching and logging center as well as a stop along the railroad. Since it’s not really a town (according to the Division of Transportation) no specific founding dates or ribbon cuttings are applicable. It came to be sometime between 1888 and 1922, OK?
Colona County Line sounds kind of Johnny Cashesque, don’t you think? Maybe The New Yorker will want to publish this piece (esque and all).
Saturday Morning Cowboy Movies
Sometimes I think Colona is the most peaceful spot on earth. From my porch I see pastures, pinon covered adobe hills and the white San Juans to the distant south. At night there are a million stars and a resident herd elk graze across the road. The back streets and alleys are a treasure filled with discarded pieces of life. A few nights back a good size black bear wandered down by the old packing house…right there on the main street. The traffic noise from nearby Highway 550 is no problem. Just turn up the music and it goes away.
The Ranching Museum is here as well, a fine collection of relics and antiques from the golden age of cattle raising. Will it someday be surrounded by suburbs to nowhere inhabited by people who don’t give a hoot about ranching? Ah, the novelty of it all. A cowboy clothing boutique? Maybe a cowboy theme park? Hey pard, want to ride the nice horsy? Where will all the ranching families go after they sell off their land? I hear Wyoming is nice.
Big plans here for more houses and people to live inside them. Right now developers are busy sprucing up the place to make it just right for the newcomers. They are painting and landscaping. Even the gravel is getting a facelift. Savior faire, mo fos. Maybe we will all be smack in the middle of a 1950s cowboy movie with good guys and bad guys shooting at each other from across the highway. Maybe we’ll have real Indians and stage coaches and false fronts on the historic buildings, but I do not want to belabor the point.
Meet Me in Colona, Mona
It is easy enough to see why anyone would be exited at the prospect of writing a column about Colona, but after looking around I realized that very little is actually going on. The news is scant, but not scandalous. The pace is chronically minimal so I will have to be innovative (make things up) as I go. If there was a newspaper here the front page stories would probably read Dog Crosses Road or Commuter Parking Lot Set For Expansion. One pretty much has to drive to Montrose or Ridgway to buy toothpaste. If it weren’t for the gas pumps at Colona Store a person could be stranded here for all eternity, but that might not be so bad.
Next Time: Should Colona de designated a Nuclear Free Zone?

LOCAL RANCHER SELLS OUT TO BOVINE INTEREST

(Montrose) A local ranch concern, determined not to sell land to developers, has sold its holdings to his cows. In quite a innovative move, the 800-acre site has been legally transferred to what lawyers equate as employees.
“One hears of companies selling out to its workers,” said Warren Glick of the lawfirm Mortsern, Hamill and Glick. “The Toole familyy has simply expanded that concept and have unloaded it on their cows. Sure, the animals don’t have any money of their own but with quiet transfers of funds, some storefront commerce, a few commodity exchanges and a bundle of tax free maneuvers a family that once could not afford new shoes is now living off the interest payments.”
The Melvin Toole family had been ranching in the Uncompahgre Valley for over a hundred years. Although as pioneers these hardy folk faced hardships and turmoil these didn’t seem to compare with the current financial situation. The temptation to deal off sacred holdings to suburb builders weighed heavy on their minds.
“We’d rather deal with a locusts or drought than the current market reality,” said Belle Toole from her redwood porch swing on Spring Creek Mesa. “You figure the math. We sell a chicken for a dime, some food brokerage cuts it up, packages it all nice, and sells it for five bucks. Now I didn’t shine at math,” she stressed, “but it don’t take an abacus to figure out who’s getting screwed.”
As a result of the current squeeze the Tooles no longer hold deed to their property but it’s still in the family, sort of.
“The principal stockholders (cows) have voted with their feet and hired my husband, Melvin, to be CEO of this place, said Ms Toole. “In essence he calls all the shots because he has the key to the haystack. As long as these investors get fed they don’t squawk. It’s an incredible parallel to what goes on at corporate board meetings all over the world.”
In addition to the convenience of a “home-owned” agricultural operation there are definite tax advantages in bovine-run ranches.
“Let the feds and the county determine visible assets in the herd,” said Toole. “Let the banker foreclose on a bunch of Herefords. Let them try. Unlike humans these animals have rights. We’d have the ASPCA, the Humane Society and a host of other animal protection groups on their butts before the sun went down for the day.”
Toole added that the cows seem to have a new found pride due to the transfer. She says unexcused absences have decreased and worker apathy is also on the down trend.
“We have suspended the time clock and pay overtime in vacation credits,” said Toole, and the cows seem happier, better adjusted than ever. It’s amazing what one can do with a little sharing, a little creative financing.”
In addition to operating their employee-owned ranch Mr. Toole makes asparagus accessories and Mrs. Toole runs a topless tiki bar at Colona. – Suzie Compost

People who reject underwear live longer – report

(Lake San Cristobal) People who don’t wear underwear live an average of five more years than those who regularly don the restrictive apparel, a three-year study says. Whether it’s the underwear itself or simply the thought of another layer of clothing, those who embrace skivvies seem at a greater risk of heart attack, stroke and even the common cold.
“Quite frankly we were surprised at the results, “said Olga Droors, a former underwear manufacturer who once thought design could conquer all. “We came up with wild and slutty fashion and the results remained the same. It’s all about comfort and people who spend the day out of constraint create less stress and fewer uptight moments.”
Droors added that she was not thrilled with the results of the report since it affected her professional life but agreed that today’s population had spoken.
“Where this leaves the multitude of underwear makers and this employees is anyone’s guess. Principles here say that enough people will continue to wear underwear to avert an economic collapse in that sector,” she said.
“Is this just some kind of twisted free expression or a valid fashion statement?” asked Velour Campbell, a lingerie designer who has embraced Nascar and ice hockey in his themes.
“I don’t expect the whole industry to come crashing down just because some minimalists decide to go au natural,” he gulped.
How this will affect the concept of wearing clean underwear in case one gets into a wreck or is arrested was not clear at press time.
The study, which admits to a 30% error factor upfront, was conducted at night at a nude beach during a Victoria’s Secret (the Wal-Mart of sexy underwear) fashion show.

– Signelle de Bushe

WENDY PREGNANT, RESTAURANT CLOSED

(Montrose) The local Wendy’s Restaurant will be closed indefinitely due to the surprise pregnancy of its pig-tailed owner. The freckle-faced slut was not available for comment. Sources here are suggesting just who the father might be.
“It’s very, very difficult to say who she has been with over the winter,” said a fry cook who claims to have been out of town since December.
Conjecture has it that the father is either the Burger King, Col. Sanders or Ronald McDonald. Since Wendy is a minor all or some of the suspected daddies could face criminal charges.

GREYHOUND HYDROPLANES, TWO INJURED

(Colorado Springs) Heavy rains made for dangerous conditions at the Garden of the Gods Dog Track Saturday as one participant, a three-year-old canine named Lizzy, lost her footing in a puddle and subsequently hydroplaned, spinning around helplessly and finally landing against a wall. She was treated and released at St Roscoe’s Veterinary Hospital following the accident.
Two dog racing enthusiasts, Timothy Foltz of Ignacio, and Mondo Carmen of Los Angeles were injured in unrelated incidents. Neither were wearing seat belts or safety helmets. Foltz fell seven stories from the top of the stands after attempting to catch a fowl ball and Carmen pulled a hamstring muscle while eating a plate of stuffed eggplant. Both were kept overnight for observation.
Motorists are warned to take precautions when driving in snow and rain. Most drivers, according to Highway Patrol sources, would be far safer in a canoe than on the road.
One sad note: If you were planning to bet on the 2014 Kentucky Derby it’s too late since the legendary race took place back on May 3.

“I am most at peace living in a community where I can just run down to the corner and pick up a tub of civiche.” – Small Mouth Bess