All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Missing Link Cornered at Town Hall
(Cahone) Local police here cornered an elusive shadow figure, believed to be the Missing Link, last night after a town council meeting. Details were sketchy as to what the visitor wanted or whether the mysterious stranger was simply a concerned citizen or a potential candidate for office.
“He mumbled when he spoke and would not make eye contact with any of the other people in the meeting,” said Susie Compost, mayor of this Western Colorado town. “That alone would qualify him for many elected positions around these parts.”
As the officers converged, the suspected Missing Link retreated through a hallway, jumped out of an open window and disappeared into the night.
The transparent transient is wanted for questioning related to the Theory of Evolution.
– Dag Katz
“God is a postulate. I don’t think God is interested in the verification of his existence, and, neither am I.”
– Allessandro Giuliani – in Soldier of the Great War, by Mark Helprin
Icy Streets and Leash Laws Clash
Council Reconsiders Priorities
(Crested Butte) The town council here may rescind a 150-year-old leash law, due to safety considerations, on Crested Butte’s icy streets and alleys. The action came Monday night as elected officials argued the merits of the long standing ordinance compared with the safety of its dog-walking citizens.
Arctic weather and seasonal moisture here have combined to create treacherous conditions, especially on the town’s north-side streets and alleys. Even Elk Avenue gets a little dicey early in the morning and after sunset.
When a pedestrian mixes an already precarious stroll with approved dog walking methodology a chain reaction is likely to take place. The walker often finds himself flat on his face, horizontal with the pavement, compliments of his over-eager mutt. Of course, a well trained dog, accustomed to healing, will not create such a hazard but even the most well behaved animal cannot be expected to perform to perfection with all the distractions (canine and otherwise) common to the town limits.
“We need leash laws in Crested Butte or we’d have dogs running around everywhere,” said one councilperson. “The restrictions are necessary for the safety and well being of the animal as well as for the general populace. However when butted up against icy sidewalks and dangerous streets we must reconsider the legislation.”
In a rare departure from existing policy another councilman warned that a slick walk at the receiving end of aggressive canine thrust could easily result in injury, and possible lawsuits.
“If we just rescind the law during periods when the streets are bullet-proof we might save everyone a lot of hassle,” he said. “We could operate along the lines of the parking laws with certain areas off limits on certain days. We could put up signs all over telling people when and where they could safely walk their dogs.”
Taking no action of the matter and leaving decisions in the hands of the people was not an option, according to the first council member who insisted that maintaining the current status would not solve the problem and that allowing people to police themselves was ridiculous.
“That’s like a Washington lobbyist volunteering for military duty in Iraq,” she said. “It may look good on paper but it will never happen. If we just suspend leash laws until mud season we should avoid disaster. When the real thaw arrives we might even implement higher fines for dogs at large and recoup our losses by June.”
After an hour of proposals it appeared that the law makers would suspend the leash laws for a trial period.
“Either we terminate the law altogether or groom Elk Avenue,” laughed one rogue councilman sitting in the back of the room. “What about protecting drunks and persons too busy talking into their cell phones to pay attention to the conditions? What about flatlanders unaccustomed to negotiating ice? They are people too!”
He then angrily departed the chambers, slamming his laptop, hurling his Sorrels and designer Italian sunglasses into the hallway for dramatic affect.
In other developments the remaining council members voted to deny further liquor licenses to canine groups (the first such action taken toward any applicant in over 30 years) and to ban heated dog houses due to cited high energy use in the often inefficient dwellings. Critics of the action say the council is merely punishing outside dogs for any part they might have in the crisis.
– Fred Zeppelin
24-hour dispensaries grace Crested Butte
Sparkling 24-hour dispensories like this one are cropping up all over Gunnison County. This one, just off Elk Avenue in Crested Butte features an assortment of cerebral treats, real and imagined. Sorry but some blackout days still remain until technicians figure out last minute glitches.
Plastic Refuge Shot into Space
(Ridgway) Engineers at the Ridgway Landfill (www.ridgwaydump.org) have begun the initial phases of projecting unwanted plastics into outer space. The experimental procedure is aimed at ridding the facility of items that will never rot on their own.
Early this morning 25 tons of water bottles, baby diapers, cell phones and household appliances were rocketed in the direction of Venus. If this virgin voyage is successful in penetrating the outer atmosphere other launches will follow.
“The last thing we want is for the town’s “dirty laundry” to be orbiting the planet for eternity,” said Dupris DeBris, formerly of the fashionable Crested Butte DeBrises, who is recognized as the brains behind the entire operation. “If we can simply project our garbage into another planet’s sphere it will then become their problem, he gestured menacingly. “It could work well or, if our calculations are just slightly off, our capsule could hit Silverton (like when Russian rockets hit the former Oasis Tavern in Gunnison) or run smack into the Moon. Then we’d have one hell of a mess.”
At the time of this report the rogue plastic was still on its way up.
Pilot programs such as this one have been attempted by amateur rocket scientists since Cape Kennedy was seized from the Seminoles, but none have had the manpower and moral support of an entire community. Contribution buckets have been stuffed full and most local airports have agreed to suspend morning flights so as not to interfere with the tedious voyages.
“More and more we have a population that is not engaged in daily toil,” said DeBris. “We welcome any help in the hands-on arena. Manpower is imperative since it takes about half a day to build one of our projectiles. We need people on the ground and, in the near future, people willing to ride shotgun,” said DeBris. “Even newcomers are welcome. It will give them something to do besides drinking and running for town council.”
Persons wishing to observe the flights should assemble at the Ridgway Drug Dealer building before dawn each week day to catch a shuttle up to the landfill where a continental breakfast, featuring Grape Tang will be served. Residents are reminded that no dumping will be allowed during the blast0ff launches, so please leave your dogs at home.
– Signelle de Bushe
Los episodios de I Love Lucy no se pueden detener
(Hollywood) Las proyecciones posteriores de I Love Lucy, que alguna vez fue en horario de máxima audiencia, no se pueden terminar electrónicamente y continuarán cubriendo las ondas durante muchos años, según la mayoría de las fuentes de la cadena en el sur de California. Los programas, que se han ejecutado en orden sucesivo, las 24 horas del día, los 7 días de la semana, uno tras otro, durante el último mes, parecen tener mente propia.
“Todo esto tiene un carácter encantador y, en verdad, muestra más creatividad que la que este medio ha visto desde los años cincuenta”, afirma un informe publicado. “Incluso si una entidad fuera propietaria de todas las estaciones de televisión del país, el fenómeno sin duda continuaría”.
Los episodios de Lucy comenzaron a aparecer en todas las cadenas de Estados Unidos inmediatamente después de que la Comisión Federal de Comunicaciones se vendiera, lo que permite una mayor explotación de las ondas públicas por parte de intereses especiales y ricos que buscan el control de la información. El reciente fallo de la FCC permite relajar las restricciones sobre múltiples tenencias en todo el país y abre la puerta a controles por parte de unos pocos privilegiados.
“Estos son los peces gordos que ayudaron a financiar la adquisición de Dubya”, dijo la fuente. “Ahora están cosechando los beneficios de los reembolsos prometidos”.
Según los grupos de vigilancia de los medios de comunicación, estas tortuosas demostraciones de repetición neurótica son o un intento del gobierno de distraer a la población o podrían ser el comienzo de una invasión extraterrestre del planeta.
Fuentes de la FCC nos dicen que están estudiando el problema y esperan llegar al fondo del enigma antes de que salgan los nuevos programas el próximo otoño. Mientras tanto, es Lucy o el patrón de prueba. Estaciones independientes y representantes de la televisión pública han expresado su preocupación porque sus señales están siendo interrumpidas y/o enviadas indiscriminadamente al espacio ultraterrestre.
A pesar de una ligera caída en los ratings, nuestra audiencia habitual no ha detectado los cambios de formato.
“Disfruto especialmente los segmentos en los que aparecen Fred y Ethyl (Mertz), pero no me importa todo el revuelo del club nocturno con Ricky Ricardo”, dijo un empleado de la FCC. “Simplemente no me parece real, pero soy un gran fanático de los programas policiales”.
Los defensores de los consumidores están furiosos ante estos acontecimientos, pero siguen repitiendo el mismo mantra: no aprenderás absolutamente nada mirando televisión. Hace que uno sea estúpido. Es una pérdida de tiempo. Además, insisten en que la única manera de combatir el Gran Hermano es simplemente apagar esa maldita cosa.
-Triste Feliz
