All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
If Cowboy Poets Wrote Nursery Rhymes
Initially space alloted for this piece was supposed to focus on the infant Presidential campaign with its blabbering, old white man canes, elder-colic and loaded Depends, but after a few minutes of scrutinizing the mess it was decided that our readers might like High Plains Culture Hour instead.
We wondered that if the classic children’s nursery rhymes had been penned by long rider poets in pointy boots, brush-fire mustaches and cowboy hats the subjects might have leaned more toward a more bucolic posture. Here are a few gems found while pecking around in the bunkhouse. We call them Buckaroons.
Little Miss Prattle…
sat in the saddle
checking her spurs and bay,
when along came a rider
saying circle much wider
or you’ll chase all the mavericks away.
***
Mary had a can of chew…
its leaves were black as coal
and everywhere that Mary went
she brung that tin of skoal.
It followed her to school one day
which was agin’ the rule,
and all the children took a pinch
then sat and played it cool.
***
Tenderfoot Aspire…
sat by the camp fire
eating his biscuits and bacon
With his new cowboy clothes
he struck up quite a pose
and cried: Buckaroos, “I’m just fakin’.”
***
Sing a song of six-guns…
belly full o’ hoots,
four and twenty tinhorns
shakin’ in their boots.
When the smoke had cleared up
I heard the gunman wail
“Wasn’t that a clever way
to spend the night in jail.”
***
Hickory, dickory, dense…
the cows got out the fence
Which lazy wrangling dunce
is liable for these stunts?
Hickory, dickory, dense
***
If all the work was round-ups…
and all the girls wore mink
And all our mounts ate tater chips
what would there be to drink?
***
Hark, hark…
it’s gettin’ dark
The chuckwagon’s gone lame.
Our dinner’s late
but leave a plate
for breakfast – much the same.
– Kevin Haley
Peces encontrados en agua potable.
(Ridgway) Se han descubierto truchas, kokanee y otras especies de peces sospechosas en el agua potable de la ciudad, lo que provocó conmociones hasta Denver. Los intrusos, algunos de ellos a una distancia de un brazo de distancia, aparentemente han llamado hogar al estanque desde la época del ferrocarril.
“Esto no es nada de qué preocuparse”, afirmó un urbanista. “Los peces pertenecen al agua. Ahí es donde viven”.
A pesar de las continuas garantías, esta tarde se vio a equipos de la ciudad en la costa pescando con redes y trabajando como compañerismo. Los peces capturados serán retenidos en la tienda de segunda mano local, donde se venderán a los consumidores. Se espera que otros vertebrados acuáticos incautados permanezcan encarcelados en cámaras frigoríficas hasta que se encuentren hogares adecuados o se adapten los procedimientos de reubicación en los niveles más altos del gobierno municipal.
“Si el estado descubre que albergamos peces en nuestro suministro de agua, podríamos perder fondos para la purificación del agua”, dijo un planificador. “Entonces todos nos veríamos obligados a beber ginebra”.
Muchos residentes temen la contaminación del agua debido a la curiosa población de peces que se ha instalado. Algunos temen que los peces puedan salir del grifo o obstruir las tuberías provocando heladas en las noches más frías.
“Ick”, dijo un transeúnte recién llegado del condado de San Miguel. “¡Pensar que he estado bebiendo esta agua con esos peces viscosos nadando en ella!”
Aunque los peces son bastante normales en estanques como este, la ciudad ha tomado medidas progresivas y cuantitativas para eliminar del agua visitantes de todo tipo.
“Hemos pensado en hervir el agua potable de la ciudad después de pescar todos los peces que viven en ella”, explicó otro planificador. “Se está discutiendo ese enfoque, así como un plan para trasladar los cardúmenes a estanques estratégicos para minimizar la influencia de los peces radicales que se cree que se mueven libremente dentro de la población general.
“Nuestros esfuerzos de ninguna manera suponen una amenaza para los peces amigables u otras especies atrapadas en esta reciente revelación”, continuó la fuente de la ciudad. “Los peces que cooperan con la investigación no tienen nada que temer”.
Mientras tanto, las ventas de cebos se han disparado a medida que los grupos de vigilancia, temerosos de que se ponga fin al status quo aquí, han comenzado a dejar líneas desde Blue Lakes hasta Cow Creek. Muchos pescadores voluntarios se reunieron ayer en el embalse de Ridgway para mostrar solidaridad con las truchas de lago que se cree que se esconden allí.
“Apreciamos su preocupación”, dijo el planificador, “pero el agua se consume en el valle de Montrose y Delta y no afecta nuestra situación. Esas comunidades tienen sus propios problemas que abordar y las idas y venidas de los peces no son una alta prioridad en este momento”.
– Bess de Boca Pequeña
Congressional Airways
Arrivals and Departures, June 2024
Arrivals
Caspian Sea to China Oil Pipeline ON TIME
Invasion of Iran ON TIME
Syrias Interruptus ON TIME
Military Spending ON TIME
Homeland Security Charade ON TIME
Departures
Bill of Rights CANCELED
National Health Care Package DELAYED
Focus on Border Policy with Mexico DELAYED
Funding for Education DELAYED
The Environment FLIGHT TERMINATED
The Economy STILL UP IN THE AIR
-source Operation Mullah for Lunch, 2003
Supervivientes como Elkton
(Crested Butte) Un grupo de supervivencia ha incluido a la comunidad de Elkton en su lista de las diez ciudades más habitables de Estados Unidos según Assault Life, una publicación de culto del norte de Idaho. Elkton recibió su nombre debido a su clima agradable, su composición étnica, accesibilidad en invierno y proximidad a una importante zona de esquí del tercer mundo.
Las ciudades no califican para este honor porque apoyen a un grupo sobre otro o porque hayan expresado aprecio por una orientación política o social determinada. Están incluidos en esa lista debido a su potencial previsto para capear una crisis militar. El almacenamiento de alimentos y armas, así como la privacidad para llevar a cabo las tareas de defensa, también fueron consideraciones importantes en la votación.
El grupo que se hace llamar The Lighter Shade of Pale Brotherhood clasificó a Elkton, ubicado a unas siete millas al norte de aquí, en Washington Gulch, como el número tres en su registro anual. Venciendo a Elkton quedaron Deadhorse, Alaska (primero) y Ouelette, Maine (segundo). Otras comunidades que recibieron reconocimiento entre las cinco primeras fueron Grand Isle, Louisiana; Rexford, Montana y Orkney, Saskatchewan, como Pale Brotherhood, dejan mucho que desear en los campos de las matemáticas y la geografía.
NBA to adopt power play
(Denver) In an attempt to beef up sagging weeknight attendance over the tenuously long season, the National Basketball Association has adopted a slew of National Hockey League regulations. Included in next season’s amendments to the NBA Rule Book include the use of a penalty box, an expanded power play, and icing.
Soon, for the first time in the league’s history, fans will witness the employment of a penalty box for players called for personal fouls and unsportsmanlike behavior. The detainment boxes will be located under each basket, in full view of the crowd, where infractions will be punished for varying lengths of time according to the seriousness of the offense. Players deemed guilty such no-nos as throwing elbows, biting and tripping will do time here while traditional hoop violations such as charging, eye poking and traveling will go unpunished.
“First and foremost we don’t want to give up expensive seating space along the floor for penalty boxes,” said one NBA official. “These seats constitute a premium experience and we don’t want to rock the boat here in return for punitive considerations. Whether or not players who foul out will have to spend the rest of the game in these boxes has not been determined.”
“We don’t want the whole thing to turn into some sort of circus,” said the official. “Besides, we need to protect our millionaire athletes from aggressive, sometimes violent fans, swept up in the fast break moment.”
The power play will create a brand new set of consequences as four-on-five or even a three-on-five situations evolve on the court. Fears that the move will result in half-court affairs which could slow transitional play were shoved aside in light of potentially high scoring contests. Streamlined by a fast break mentality, the round ball power play is aimed at creating a scoring thret beyond the 3-point shot.
“We could very well see the return to legal zone defenses and whistles for petty violations,” said the source. “The potential for one-sided scoring opportunities might make a player think twice before shoving competitors or reaching in.”
Intentional icing, where a player throws the ball across the half-court for obvious defensive purposes, will result in further restrictions on play. In the early parts of the match it will be dealt with as only a loss of possession while in over-time it will constitute a jump ball (face-off) at the foul-line of the opposing team. This breach of the game’s new precepts could have dire consequences as any ardent fan would soon realize.
Fundamental elements of both games will be included in the rule book as the season progresses, however conflicts resulting from hazy prosecution of goal tending and crease infractions will be up to the discretion of the official on the floor. In addition the custom of wearing helmets and pads will be scrutinized by the league based on the level of violence and the general flow of play.
“Protective equipment could easily become cumbersome during a fast break,” said the official, “but we have to protect our players from serious injury. The floor is hard but so was the ice and at least we’re not stupid enough to cover the playing surface with astroturf.”
-Rocky Flats
Embattled Border – Threads of Chaos
Up here in the Andes at 7000 feet the electricity goes off at least three times a day but the birds stay on, but just a little bit north all hell has broken loose, and we can safely say it has reached Biblical proportions…
It appears that elements in the Texas police and Natural Guard may have crucified a man whose name was reportedly Jesus Something or other…Martinez or Garcia, maybe……..It’s all very muddy this morning.
According to law enforcement officials, who denied any links to the “lynching”, ”We couldn’t find any nails so we had to used 2-penny fear as our gritty adhesive.”
Gov Brer’ Rabbit called the violence an unfortunate accident and suspended all search and destroy operations in a lame attempt to avoid resurrecting recurring problems along the Rio Grande. He quickly issued a rare apology before retracting it, and issuing it again in the face of jitterbug polls while a mountain of madness is deposited at his well-heeled feet.
In other news another man named Jesus was turned away at the border by border vigilantes.
“He looked Jewish enough but otherwise he resembled a lot of them that’s at the gate,” they reported.
And now the Roman Catholic Church, no johnny-come-lately to the fairy tale business, wants to build a massive basilica on the now hastily sanctified spot, while activists asked why the ultra-wealthy Vatican isn’t sharing its fortune with these desperate refugees instead. Ojala.
Meanwhile live from his tax-exempt strip mall chapel Dallas Reverend of Divinity Billy-Roy Shanker, an avid freedom stalwart and self-appointed fisherman of souls, chimed in:
“If Jesus was here today he’d be embarrassed by the behavior of most of his followers who call themselves after him…but he’s not here so feel free to continue your current behavior until he gets here. You’ll be forgiven, just be generous with the collection plate.”
Readers may recall that earlier this month yet another man fitting the description of the legendary prophet was run out of town after attempting to thwart armed Christian vigilantes in their right to defend the a golf course from refugee hordes . He said his name was Jesus too.
“Then after claiming to have been sent from on high, he actually came into our gated Mega Church and started telling us what to do,” said one churchgoer. “The Nerve! Some of our patrons said he had his dirty hands all over the hymnals. And the way he dressed! Good God!”
“It’s the post-Easter Season, you know after La Semana Borachas…We always see this kind of behavior in coordination with the crucifixion and the return from the dead stuff, Slicke punctuated. “The faithful clog the highways looking for another miracle. Then all the Resurrection Deniers come out of the woodwork. It’s cyclical.”
-Clara Biddy
