Plastic Refuge Shot into Space

(Ridgway) Engineers at the Ridgway Landfill ( have begun the initial phases of projecting unwanted plastics into outer space. The experimental procedure is aimed at ridding the facility of items that will never rot on their own.

Early this morning 25 tons of water bottles, baby diapers, cell phones and household appliances were rocketed in the direction of Venus. If this virgin voyage is successful in penetrating the outer atmosphere other launches will follow.

“The last thing we want is for the town’s “dirty laundry” to be orbiting the planet for eternity,” said Dupris DeBris, formerly of the fashionable Crested Butte DeBrises, who is recognized as the brains behind the entire operation. “If we can simply project our garbage into another planet’s sphere it will then become their problem, he gestured menacingly.  “It could work well or, if our calculations are just slightly off, our capsule could hit Silverton (like when Russian rockets hit the former Oasis Tavern in Gunnison) or run smack into the Moon. Then we’d have one hell of a mess.”

     At the time of this report the rogue plastic was still on its way up.

Pilot programs such as this one have been attempted by amateur rocket scientists since Cape Kennedy was seized from the Seminoles, but none have had the manpower and moral support of an entire community. Contribution buckets have been stuffed full and most local airports have agreed to suspend morning flights so as not to interfere with the tedious voyages.

“More and more we have a population that is not engaged in daily toil,” said DeBris. “We welcome any help in the hands-on arena. Manpower is imperative since it takes about half a day to build one of our projectiles. We need people on the ground and, in the near future, people willing to ride shotgun,” said DeBris. “Even newcomers are welcome. It will give  them something to do besides drinking and running for town council.”

Persons wishing to observe the flights should assemble at the Ridgway Drug Dealer building  before dawn each week day to catch a shuttle up to the landfill where a continental breakfast, featuring Grape Tang will be served. Residents are reminded that no dumping will be allowed during the blast0ff launches, so please leave your dogs at home.

– Signelle de Bushe

Filed Under: Soft News


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