All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Bedroom Remodels

     Ralph was a retired air force jet engine mechanic. He had joined the USAF when he was only

seventeen and so, after the minimum time of twenty years, was able to retire as a spry, eager

thirty-seven-year-old. Soon Ralph became bored, however, and at his wife’s urging, he got a job

at an ubiquitous home appliance and hardware superstore.

      After working there for several months, Ralph noticed that many contractors did kitchen and

bathroom remodel work, but no one was doing bedroom remodels. He was certain that he could

fill a need and make a killing in this neglected market.

     With joy in his heart and a spring in his step, he gave notice to quit his job at Crap for My House. On his last

day on the job, he told several coworkers of his brilliant plan. “I’m going to capitalize on what absolutely, most

assuredly is going to be the next major housing trend: bedroom remodels!” His coworkers stared at him blankly.

“You all should seriously consider quitting and joining me in my new company!” They all wished him well and said

goodbye as Ralph clocked out one last time.

     Ralph’s sister-in-law built a gorgeous, easy-to-navigate website for his new company and set up

a credit card payment system. But as the days crawled by, no one clicked the Contact

button. He spent $3,000 for five thousand business cards (that had an incorrect phone number

because he was too eager to get them printed and didn’t proofread them first), five hundred hats,

and five hundred lousy, thin T-shirts with the company logo that peeled off the first time they got washed.

     He took out a home equity line of credit to purchase a beautiful, contractor-outfitted,

$89,000 work truck. In six months it was repossessed for failure to make payments.

Now working out of his brother-in-law’s 1973 Ford Country Squire station wagon, one day Ralph was handing out

business cards in the parking lot of a sports bar. He had spent an entire weekend drawing a line through the mis-

printed phone number, hand-writing the correct phone number on the back of all four thousand nine hundred and

eighty-two remaining cards with, SEE BACK OF CARD scribbled in the front.

     A woman approached him, looked at the peeling letters on his company T-shirt, stared at the

business card he held up to her face and said, “Bedroom remodels, huh?” Ralph smiled broadly,

revealing his lovely coffee- tobacco- and Pepsi-colored teeth.

      “That’s correct, ma’am! We’re the best!”

      “Uh . . . okay. But aren’t bedrooms just four walls?”

      Ralph stumbled. “Um, no. Uh, well . . . technically, yes, but—but it’s an art form to get a

bedroom just right. We have designers that will give you whatever you want in your bedroom.”

     The woman burst out laughing, turned, and walked away as she said, “I don’t need your

designers to give me what I want in my bedroom, honey. I got my husband for that!”

     Ralph is now back at his old job, where he works five days a week advising people on

the difference between string and twine. Most of his pay goes toward the loan he took out on two

enormous custom-made neon signs that he had purchased for his rented building. They are so

pretty, bright, colorful, and cheerful that he couldn’t stand to get rid of them.

     His only real problem now is when the neighbors complain that they can’t sleep at night because of the brightly

flashing RALPH’S RUMPUS ROOM REMODELS signs that he installed on the roof of his house.

– Doug Fergus

AMERICANS MOST HAPPY WITH CROOK IN WHITE HOUSE

(Ouray – 1882) According to an extensive survey 68% of American voters feel more comfortable with a crook in the White House than otherwise. With the recent election of Chester A. Arthur to the Presidency voters have confirmed data collected in the study.

Arthur became President after the assassination of James A. Garfield. A professional politician, Arthur achieved his goals by manipulating the political machine rising to power during a period of widespread dishonesty in every phase of government. Critics even go so far as to accuse Arthur of compliance in the murder.

     He began his rough and tumble political career helping another crook, Republican Edwin D Morgan, become governor of New York for the second time. He was rewarded with an appointment as a general in the New York militia prior to the Civil War. When the war actually began Arthur had a safe and cushy job outfitting the militia for federal service. In 1862 he became state quartermaster general and his personal wealth grew quickly.

     After the war he was appointed Collector for the Port of New York by another honest man, President U.S. Grant. During his tenure he saw to it that party regulars were given the good jobs. They, in turn paid, a percentage of their wages into Republican party campaign funds. Clever.

     After Rutherford B. Hayes became President in 1877 he attempted to control this spoils system that had emerged. He appointed a commission to investigate the New York Customs House and it reported that three officers, including Arthur were neglecting their duties to handle party matters.

     According to Frederick T. Frelinghuysen, Arthur’s Secretary of State Arthur has never done anything anyone else hadn’t already done.

     “He’s no bigger crook than Grant…or even Hayes,” said Frelinghuysen. “His manipulation and sale of the Brooklyn Bridge will go down in history as “good business”. His renovation of the White House after it was occupied but downright slobs deserves acclaim,” said the secretary. “Just because all of his old buddies are getting rich off the American taxpayer doesn’t make him a bad guy.”

     Many Americans, waking up to the threats from outside interests see a capable President as one who can make a few deals, twist a few wrists. They seem to accept the fact that some graft will occur and ignore hands in the cookie jar. Under all those whiskers they prefer to see their President as a good guy who is deserving of respect.

     “We can’t keep a eye on the Brits and the lid on the Indian situation without someone who can pull a few strings residing in the White House,” explained one voter. “I say let him have at it. If he gets thrown in jail there’s always his vice-President, if he only had one.”

-Pepper Salte

“There’s no question that (Mitch) McConnell is one of the most consequential politicians of his generation. This isn’t a compliment. McConnell is not consequential for what he accomplished as a legislator or legislative leader — he’s no Robert F. Wagner or Everett Dirksen. He’s consequential for what he’s done to degrade and diminish American democracy.”

-Jamie Bouie, in The New York Times

RESTRICTED BAGPIPE SEASON IRKS LOCALS

Noise Ordinance Prohibits Celtic Expression – Suit Filed

(Gunnison) A Division of Tartan announcement that bagpipes would be prohibited from the field in sectors 67 and 68 has drawn the ire of many citizens groups here. For decades bagpipers participated in three distinct seasons with in-state residents having first shot at bellow licenses without incident.

    Back then, before the feds started fooling with the seasons everyone knew what was expected of him. The deer and elk were prompt. The hunters were polite. Autumn arrived in splendid fashion with double-reed melodies reverberating from hunting camps from Baldwin to Yahoo City.

     Today, bagpipes are banned in the woods due to a misconception on the part of authorities that elk tend to be hypnotized by the ancient sounds. Although the practice of calling prey with bagpipes is documented in the annals of Colorado hunting lore there is not one shred of proof that elk, or even deer have responded in person to the overtures.

     “Why do you think there aren’t any elk in Scotland and Ireland today?” asked one Tartan ranger who asked to remain off record. “It’s because the Celts seduced them with the pipes and blasted them to kingdom come,” he probed. “Then they served them up with potatoes and carrots, and onions if they had them. Where do you think the term corned elk comes from?

     The controversial symphonic hunting techniques, still preferred by the great unwashed, are expected to continue despite warnings from the gov’ment. Already several country and western artists have recorded bagpipe renditions of popular hunting tunes and the hot cakes are selling like discs.

     “They may have outlawed bagpipes in the woods but boom boxes, generators, TVs, RVs, ATVs, gourmet chefs and secretaries are still OK,” said one record promoter. “Let them try to dictate individual musical tastes. We’ll have the FCC all over them.”

– Small Mouth Bess

Notable Spring Migrations: Ducks (June 13 – 19), marmots (June 12), Eels (date unknown), politicians (365 days) cantaloupes (June 30 – July 5), cattle (June 27 – 30), black helicopters (unmarked), tourists (June 12 – August 31). Source: Federal Observatory.

Snubbed clowns threaten walkout days before circus season

More than 5000 traditional entertainers in the full regalia of exaggerated makeup and ridiculous costume descended on the Pea Green town hall Thursday demanding a redressing of longtime annoyances including poor pensions, dangerous workplaces and long hours.

In addition these militant clowns say jobs are disappearing and that even small children are not coming to see them anymore.

“The days of the bearded lady and the circus strongman are waining and fiscal security is melting away,” said a spokesperson for the Clown Union. “We must be recognized as an integral part of society and the respect due to our station as the original thespians.”

State and federal sources say they have begun a re-eduction plan for displaced victims of the diminishing bigtop, aimed at retraining these fuzzy haired, seltzer bottle spraying Americans. Already a vast cross-section have undergone primary training as politicians, preachers  and sports broadcasters.

One supportive entity told the Horseshoe that the strike “Cripples smiles at a time where we need them the most.

“This so-called clown protest threatens very social fabric of the nation and exposes irregularities and gaping holes in day to day survival of a misunderstood and grossly underpaid segment of our population. One can easily appraise a culture by the way it treats its clowns. When it comes to improving this sad story we are all in.”

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“One can easily appraise a culture by the way it treats its clowns.”

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Others disagree saying the clowns are spoiled and pampered while lion tamers and monkey acts bring home the bacon.

“They’ve got it good,” said one ringmaster. “We will not be intimidated by threats. We’ll just fill in the empty acts with elephants and high wire performances until these malcontents come to their senses.”

Many circus managers contend that over 100,000 Americans apply for entry level clown positions from Bar Harbor to Nogales.

“Moments after running an ad in the paper and get lines of hopefuls squeaking their horns and acting silly in the hopes of landing in sawdust and grease paint,” said one former acrobat now a three-ring executive.

“We’re tired of being taken as fools with red noses and big shoes. We are people too,” said a hastily presented list of grievances. “Seeking clarity and closure is our prime motive here,” continued the statement. “Then and only then will we return to being clowns.”

Local town council and school board officials have stepped up to volunteer to take the place of the striking performers until the matter is resolved.

– Tommy Middlefinger

Missing Link Cornered at Town Hall

(Cahone) Local police here cornered an elusive shadow figure, believed to be the Missing Link, last night after a town council meeting. Details were sketchy as to what the visitor wanted or whether the mysterious stranger was simply a concerned citizen or a potential candidate for office.

     “He mumbled when he spoke and would not make eye contact with any of the other people in the meeting,” said Susie Compost, mayor of this Western Colorado town. “That alone would qualify him for many elected positions around these parts.”

     As the officers converged, the suspected Missing Link retreated through a hallway, jumped out of an open window and disappeared into the night.

     The transparent transient is wanted for questioning related to the Theory of Evolution.

– Dag Katz

“God is a postulate. I don’t think God is interested in the verification of his existence, and, neither am I.”

– Allessandro  Giuliani – in Soldier of the Great War, by Mark Helprin

Icy Streets and Leash Laws Clash

Council Reconsiders Priorities

(Crested Butte) The town council here may rescind a 150-year-old leash law, due to safety considerations, on Crested Butte’s icy streets and alleys. The action came Monday night as elected officials argued the merits of the long standing ordinance compared with the safety of its dog-walking citizens.

     Arctic weather and seasonal moisture here have combined to create treacherous conditions, especially on the town’s north-side streets and alleys. Even Elk Avenue gets a little dicey early in the morning and after sunset.

     When a pedestrian mixes an already precarious stroll with approved dog walking methodology a chain reaction is likely to take place. The walker often finds himself flat on his face, horizontal with the pavement, compliments of his  over-eager mutt. Of course, a well trained dog, accustomed to healing, will not create such a hazard but even the most well behaved animal cannot be expected to perform to perfection with all the distractions (canine and otherwise) common to the town limits.

     “We need leash laws in Crested Butte or we’d have dogs running around everywhere,” said one councilperson. “The restrictions are necessary for the safety and well being of the animal as well as for the general populace. However when butted up against icy sidewalks and dangerous streets we must reconsider the legislation.”

     In a rare departure from existing policy another councilman warned that a slick walk at the receiving end of aggressive canine thrust could easily result in injury, and possible lawsuits.

     “If we just rescind the law during periods when the streets are bullet-proof  we might save everyone a lot of hassle,” he said. “We could operate along the lines of the parking laws with certain areas off limits on certain days. We could put up signs all over telling people when and where they could safely walk their dogs.”

     Taking no action of the matter and leaving decisions in the hands of the people was not an option, according to the first council member who insisted that maintaining the current status would not solve the problem and that allowing people to police themselves was ridiculous.

     “That’s like a Washington lobbyist volunteering for military duty in Iraq,” she said. “It may look good on paper but it will never happen. If we just suspend leash laws until mud season we should avoid disaster. When the real thaw arrives we might even implement higher fines for dogs at large and recoup our losses by June.”

     After an hour of proposals it appeared that the law makers would suspend the leash laws for a trial period.

     “Either we terminate the law altogether or groom Elk Avenue,” laughed one rogue councilman sitting in the back of the room. “What about protecting drunks and persons too busy talking into their cell phones to pay attention to the conditions? What about flatlanders unaccustomed to negotiating ice? They are people too!”

     He then angrily departed the chambers, slamming his laptop, hurling his Sorrels and designer Italian sunglasses into the hallway for dramatic affect.

     In other developments the remaining council members voted to deny further liquor licenses to canine groups (the first such action taken toward any applicant in over 30 years) and to ban heated dog houses due to cited high energy use in the often inefficient dwellings. Critics of the action say the council is merely punishing outside dogs for any part they might have in the crisis.

– Fred Zeppelin