Snow balls a menace to peace

During recent visits to Crested Butte and Telluride we were shocked to see that juveniles in both of these towns were engaged in the inappropriate behavior of snowball throwing. It would be bad enough if these junior scoundrels were simply battling it out among themselves, but they have encouraged the combat to cross over into other, more moral segments of society. Haven’t we come any farther than this? Are we still like monkeys hanging out of bark-infested trees hurling coconuts at four-legged beasts sentenced to the cruelties of gravity? Is there no law and order? Will no one stand up and be counted?

It’s getting so that one does not even see the traditional beaver pelt stovepipe top hat on the street anymore. We cannot blame the occupants of this fashionable, flamboyant headgear for succumbing to the icy threats of street punks, scarf-masked thugs and pre-pubescent hooligans.

Why just this morning on South Fir Street, a gentleman, attempting to negotiate the stairs at O’Bannon’s Shed and Breakfast was accosted by alley urchins armed with snowballs. Before he could duck back into the familiar confines of his redoubt they were on him, pelting him with the little arctic missiles, knocking his hat to the ground, purposely upsetting his daily constitution, causing him considerable injustice.

Some of these little criminals even travel with dogs.

Will we the responsible members of society just sit back and wait until our civilization tumbles into the abyss? Remember the Saracens? Remember Chamberlain and Czechoslovakia?

The solution, although awkward, is a simple one: Remove the projectiles of this roughhewn subculture by removing the fallen snow. The towns already have the trucks. Let’s get on with it and look forward to a more peaceful, secure tomorrow for everyone. And while we’re at it let’s go ahead and get rid of the dogs and younger kids too.

WARNING LABELS HARMFUL TO GENE POOL

When was the last time you stood in a bucket of water while repairing an electrical appliance? Do you often climb extension ladders while blindfolded? Can you successfully operate a child proof cigarette lighter? How much cotton is too much cotton when one peers into an aspirin bottle? Buckle up for safety.

The multitude of warning labels that has graced the 20th Century is severely depleting the gene pool by promoting the survival of people who would perish on their own. If we are to follow the theories of natural selection we must put a stop to this neurotic reminder machine that society has found growing like a boil on its posterior. If this insanity continues our off-spring will be no more than a pile of ignorant robots waiting for the next command.

Stop this mad intersession now before it’s too late. The only warning label we need is one that says: Welcome to the planet Earth. Maximum capacity limited. Quality of life fragile. Please do your own thinking.