All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

NBA to adopt power play

(Denver) In an attempt to beef up sagging weeknight attendance over the tenuously long season, the National Basketball Association has adopted a slew of National Hockey League regulations. Included in next season’s amendments to the NBA Rule Book include the use of a penalty box, an expanded power play, and icing.

Soon, for the first time in the league’s history, fans will witness the employment of a penalty box for players called for personal fouls and unsportsmanlike behavior. The detainment boxes will be located under each basket, in full view of the crowd, where infractions will be punished for varying lengths of time according to the seriousness of the offense. Players deemed guilty such no-nos as throwing elbows, biting and tripping will do time here while traditional hoop violations such as charging, eye poking and traveling will go unpunished.

“First and foremost we don’t want to give up expensive seating space along the floor for penalty boxes,” said one NBA official. “These seats constitute a premium experience and we don’t want to rock the boat here in return for punitive considerations. Whether or not players who foul out will have to spend the rest of the game in these boxes has not been determined.”

“We don’t want the whole thing to turn into some sort of circus,” said the official. “Besides, we need to protect our millionaire athletes from aggressive, sometimes violent fans, swept up in the fast break moment.”

The power play will create a brand new set of consequences as four-on-five or even a three-on-five situations evolve on the court. Fears that the move will result in half-court affairs which could slow transitional play were shoved aside in light of potentially high scoring contests. Streamlined by a fast break mentality, the round ball power play is aimed at creating a scoring thret beyond the 3-point shot.

“We could very well see the return to legal zone defenses and whistles for petty violations,” said the source. “The potential for one-sided scoring opportunities might make a player think twice before shoving competitors or reaching in.”

Intentional icing, where a player throws the ball across the half-court for obvious defensive purposes, will result in further restrictions on play. In the early parts of the match it will be dealt with as only a loss of possession while in over-time it will constitute a jump ball (face-off) at the foul-line of the opposing team. This breach of the game’s new precepts could have dire consequences as any ardent fan would soon realize.

Fundamental elements of both games will be included in the rule book as the season progresses, however conflicts resulting from hazy prosecution of goal tending and crease infractions will be up to the discretion of the official on the floor. In addition the custom of wearing helmets and pads will be scrutinized by the league based on the level of violence and the general flow of play.

“Protective equipment could easily become cumbersome during a fast break,” said the official, “but we have to protect our players from serious injury. The floor is hard but so was the ice and at least we’re not stupid enough to cover the playing surface with astroturf.”

-Rocky Flats

Embattled Border – Threads of Chaos

Up here in the Andes at 7000 feet the electricity goes off at least three times a day but the birds stay on, but just a little bit north all hell has broken loose, and we can safely say it has reached Biblical proportions…

It appears that elements in the Texas police and Natural Guard may have crucified a man whose name was reportedly  Jesus Something or other…Martinez or Garcia, maybe……..It’s all very muddy this morning.

According to law enforcement officials, who denied any links to the “lynching”, ”We couldn’t find any nails so we had to used 2-penny fear as our gritty adhesive.”

Gov Brer’ Rabbit called the violence an unfortunate accident and suspended all search and destroy operations in a lame attempt to avoid resurrecting recurring problems along the Rio Grande.  He quickly issued a rare apology before retracting it, and issuing it again in the face of jitterbug polls while a mountain of madness is deposited at his well-heeled feet.

In other news another man named Jesus was turned away at the border by border vigilantes.

“He looked Jewish enough but otherwise he resembled a lot of them that’s at the gate,” they reported.

And now the Roman Catholic Church, no johnny-come-lately to the fairy tale business,  wants to build a massive basilica on the now hastily sanctified spot, while activists asked why the ultra-wealthy Vatican isn’t sharing its fortune with these desperate refugees instead. Ojala.

Meanwhile live from his tax-exempt strip mall chapel Dallas Reverend of Divinity Billy-Roy Shanker, an avid freedom stalwart and self-appointed fisherman of souls, chimed in:

“If Jesus was here today he’d be embarrassed by the behavior of most of his followers who call themselves after him…but he’s not here so feel free to continue your current behavior until he gets here. You’ll be forgiven,  just be generous with the collection plate.”

Readers may recall that earlier this month yet another  man fitting the description of the legendary prophet was run out of town after attempting to thwart armed Christian vigilantes in their right to defend the a golf course from refugee hordes . He said his name was Jesus too.

“Then after claiming to have been sent from on high, he actually came into our gated Mega Church and started telling us what to do,” said one churchgoer. “The Nerve! Some of our patrons said he had his dirty hands all over the hymnals. And the way he dressed! Good God!”

“It’s the post-Easter Season, you know after La Semana Borachas…We always see this kind of behavior in coordination with the crucifixion and the return from the dead stuff, Slicke punctuated. “The faithful clog the highways looking for another miracle. Then all the Resurrection Deniers come out of the woodwork. It’s cyclical.”

-Clara Biddy

*Billy-Roy Shanker gained national notoriety  for his savage attack on voice lessons saying they are the Devil’s workshop. Bad sounding hymns, off-key, tedious and piercing, offended neighbors while dogs  dogs whined and howled. “We sound beautiful. God likes our music. Brothers and sisters: Can’t you hear that almighty foot a tapping’ away?” That’s all that matters,” Shanker had claimed at the time.

Bedroom Remodels

     Ralph was a retired air force jet engine mechanic. He had joined the USAF when he was only

seventeen and so, after the minimum time of twenty years, was able to retire as a spry, eager

thirty-seven-year-old. Soon Ralph became bored, however, and at his wife’s urging, he got a job

at an ubiquitous home appliance and hardware superstore.

      After working there for several months, Ralph noticed that many contractors did kitchen and

bathroom remodel work, but no one was doing bedroom remodels. He was certain that he could

fill a need and make a killing in this neglected market.

     With joy in his heart and a spring in his step, he gave notice to quit his job at Crap for My House. On his last

day on the job, he told several coworkers of his brilliant plan. “I’m going to capitalize on what absolutely, most

assuredly is going to be the next major housing trend: bedroom remodels!” His coworkers stared at him blankly.

“You all should seriously consider quitting and joining me in my new company!” They all wished him well and said

goodbye as Ralph clocked out one last time.

     Ralph’s sister-in-law built a gorgeous, easy-to-navigate website for his new company and set up

a credit card payment system. But as the days crawled by, no one clicked the Contact

button. He spent $3,000 for five thousand business cards (that had an incorrect phone number

because he was too eager to get them printed and didn’t proofread them first), five hundred hats,

and five hundred lousy, thin T-shirts with the company logo that peeled off the first time they got washed.

     He took out a home equity line of credit to purchase a beautiful, contractor-outfitted,

$89,000 work truck. In six months it was repossessed for failure to make payments.

Now working out of his brother-in-law’s 1973 Ford Country Squire station wagon, one day Ralph was handing out

business cards in the parking lot of a sports bar. He had spent an entire weekend drawing a line through the mis-

printed phone number, hand-writing the correct phone number on the back of all four thousand nine hundred and

eighty-two remaining cards with, SEE BACK OF CARD scribbled in the front.

     A woman approached him, looked at the peeling letters on his company T-shirt, stared at the

business card he held up to her face and said, “Bedroom remodels, huh?” Ralph smiled broadly,

revealing his lovely coffee- tobacco- and Pepsi-colored teeth.

      “That’s correct, ma’am! We’re the best!”

      “Uh . . . okay. But aren’t bedrooms just four walls?”

      Ralph stumbled. “Um, no. Uh, well . . . technically, yes, but—but it’s an art form to get a

bedroom just right. We have designers that will give you whatever you want in your bedroom.”

     The woman burst out laughing, turned, and walked away as she said, “I don’t need your

designers to give me what I want in my bedroom, honey. I got my husband for that!”

     Ralph is now back at his old job, where he works five days a week advising people on

the difference between string and twine. Most of his pay goes toward the loan he took out on two

enormous custom-made neon signs that he had purchased for his rented building. They are so

pretty, bright, colorful, and cheerful that he couldn’t stand to get rid of them.

     His only real problem now is when the neighbors complain that they can’t sleep at night because of the brightly

flashing RALPH’S RUMPUS ROOM REMODELS signs that he installed on the roof of his house.

– Doug Fergus

AMERICANS MOST HAPPY WITH CROOK IN WHITE HOUSE

(Ouray – 1882) According to an extensive survey 68% of American voters feel more comfortable with a crook in the White House than otherwise. With the recent election of Chester A. Arthur to the Presidency voters have confirmed data collected in the study.

Arthur became President after the assassination of James A. Garfield. A professional politician, Arthur achieved his goals by manipulating the political machine rising to power during a period of widespread dishonesty in every phase of government. Critics even go so far as to accuse Arthur of compliance in the murder.

     He began his rough and tumble political career helping another crook, Republican Edwin D Morgan, become governor of New York for the second time. He was rewarded with an appointment as a general in the New York militia prior to the Civil War. When the war actually began Arthur had a safe and cushy job outfitting the militia for federal service. In 1862 he became state quartermaster general and his personal wealth grew quickly.

     After the war he was appointed Collector for the Port of New York by another honest man, President U.S. Grant. During his tenure he saw to it that party regulars were given the good jobs. They, in turn paid, a percentage of their wages into Republican party campaign funds. Clever.

     After Rutherford B. Hayes became President in 1877 he attempted to control this spoils system that had emerged. He appointed a commission to investigate the New York Customs House and it reported that three officers, including Arthur were neglecting their duties to handle party matters.

     According to Frederick T. Frelinghuysen, Arthur’s Secretary of State Arthur has never done anything anyone else hadn’t already done.

     “He’s no bigger crook than Grant…or even Hayes,” said Frelinghuysen. “His manipulation and sale of the Brooklyn Bridge will go down in history as “good business”. His renovation of the White House after it was occupied but downright slobs deserves acclaim,” said the secretary. “Just because all of his old buddies are getting rich off the American taxpayer doesn’t make him a bad guy.”

     Many Americans, waking up to the threats from outside interests see a capable President as one who can make a few deals, twist a few wrists. They seem to accept the fact that some graft will occur and ignore hands in the cookie jar. Under all those whiskers they prefer to see their President as a good guy who is deserving of respect.

     “We can’t keep a eye on the Brits and the lid on the Indian situation without someone who can pull a few strings residing in the White House,” explained one voter. “I say let him have at it. If he gets thrown in jail there’s always his vice-President, if he only had one.”

-Pepper Salte

“There’s no question that (Mitch) McConnell is one of the most consequential politicians of his generation. This isn’t a compliment. McConnell is not consequential for what he accomplished as a legislator or legislative leader — he’s no Robert F. Wagner or Everett Dirksen. He’s consequential for what he’s done to degrade and diminish American democracy.”

-Jamie Bouie, in The New York Times

RESTRICTED BAGPIPE SEASON IRKS LOCALS

Noise Ordinance Prohibits Celtic Expression – Suit Filed

(Gunnison) A Division of Tartan announcement that bagpipes would be prohibited from the field in sectors 67 and 68 has drawn the ire of many citizens groups here. For decades bagpipers participated in three distinct seasons with in-state residents having first shot at bellow licenses without incident.

    Back then, before the feds started fooling with the seasons everyone knew what was expected of him. The deer and elk were prompt. The hunters were polite. Autumn arrived in splendid fashion with double-reed melodies reverberating from hunting camps from Baldwin to Yahoo City.

     Today, bagpipes are banned in the woods due to a misconception on the part of authorities that elk tend to be hypnotized by the ancient sounds. Although the practice of calling prey with bagpipes is documented in the annals of Colorado hunting lore there is not one shred of proof that elk, or even deer have responded in person to the overtures.

     “Why do you think there aren’t any elk in Scotland and Ireland today?” asked one Tartan ranger who asked to remain off record. “It’s because the Celts seduced them with the pipes and blasted them to kingdom come,” he probed. “Then they served them up with potatoes and carrots, and onions if they had them. Where do you think the term corned elk comes from?

     The controversial symphonic hunting techniques, still preferred by the great unwashed, are expected to continue despite warnings from the gov’ment. Already several country and western artists have recorded bagpipe renditions of popular hunting tunes and the hot cakes are selling like discs.

     “They may have outlawed bagpipes in the woods but boom boxes, generators, TVs, RVs, ATVs, gourmet chefs and secretaries are still OK,” said one record promoter. “Let them try to dictate individual musical tastes. We’ll have the FCC all over them.”

– Small Mouth Bess

Notable Spring Migrations: Ducks (June 13 – 19), marmots (June 12), Eels (date unknown), politicians (365 days) cantaloupes (June 30 – July 5), cattle (June 27 – 30), black helicopters (unmarked), tourists (June 12 – August 31). Source: Federal Observatory.

Snubbed clowns threaten walkout days before circus season

More than 5000 traditional entertainers in the full regalia of exaggerated makeup and ridiculous costume descended on the Pea Green town hall Thursday demanding a redressing of longtime annoyances including poor pensions, dangerous workplaces and long hours.

In addition these militant clowns say jobs are disappearing and that even small children are not coming to see them anymore.

“The days of the bearded lady and the circus strongman are waining and fiscal security is melting away,” said a spokesperson for the Clown Union. “We must be recognized as an integral part of society and the respect due to our station as the original thespians.”

State and federal sources say they have begun a re-eduction plan for displaced victims of the diminishing bigtop, aimed at retraining these fuzzy haired, seltzer bottle spraying Americans. Already a vast cross-section have undergone primary training as politicians, preachers  and sports broadcasters.

One supportive entity told the Horseshoe that the strike “Cripples smiles at a time where we need them the most.

“This so-called clown protest threatens very social fabric of the nation and exposes irregularities and gaping holes in day to day survival of a misunderstood and grossly underpaid segment of our population. One can easily appraise a culture by the way it treats its clowns. When it comes to improving this sad story we are all in.”

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“One can easily appraise a culture by the way it treats its clowns.”

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Others disagree saying the clowns are spoiled and pampered while lion tamers and monkey acts bring home the bacon.

“They’ve got it good,” said one ringmaster. “We will not be intimidated by threats. We’ll just fill in the empty acts with elephants and high wire performances until these malcontents come to their senses.”

Many circus managers contend that over 100,000 Americans apply for entry level clown positions from Bar Harbor to Nogales.

“Moments after running an ad in the paper and get lines of hopefuls squeaking their horns and acting silly in the hopes of landing in sawdust and grease paint,” said one former acrobat now a three-ring executive.

“We’re tired of being taken as fools with red noses and big shoes. We are people too,” said a hastily presented list of grievances. “Seeking clarity and closure is our prime motive here,” continued the statement. “Then and only then will we return to being clowns.”

Local town council and school board officials have stepped up to volunteer to take the place of the striking performers until the matter is resolved.

– Tommy Middlefinger