St Roscoe’s Apologizes for Flu Serum, Viagra Mixup

(Montrose) How it happened, or more specifically why a sexual enhancement product was on these hallowed shelves at all is the big question being asked in hospital corridors this morning.

Following yesterday’s frightening episode, where flu shot enthusiasts were given viagra instead of the regular serum they wanted, officials here are still trying to sort things out. How anyone could mistake one for the other is beyond belief according to patients and doctors who are calling for a thorough investigation.

Whether persons seeking viagra were administered flu serum had not been established at the time of this writing.

“Although we did not receive so much as one complaint from flu shot patients we knew something was wrong,” said Dr Phillip Lackluster of the College of Surgeons here.

“Normally persons receiving a flu shot exhibit slight drowsiness and lightheadedness following the unnecessary and barbaric procedure of injecting disease directly into their veins. These patients did not.

One emergency room official who was quick to point out that she had nothing to do with the foul up in the supply room said she thought a conspiracy was to blame.

“A lot of people are angry over the pharmaceutical-insurance-hospital complex and the subsequent costs of health care,” she said. People are capable of tricks like this. People can be mean when they see they are getting screwed while others are getting rich off their misery.”

She stopped short of calling the mishap an inside job adding that countless persons have access to pharmaceuticals at St Roscoe’s.

“It’s a hospital, duh,” she snapped.

But every cloud may have a silver lining.

“None of the patients who took viagra has come down with the flu,” smiled Lackluster, acknowledging that it was still early and that identifying and erection of symptoms alone could last more than four hours.”  -Warren of Wexley

For a related story turn to Venus de Milo Arms Sales Anger Milanese on Page 46 

Desert Mushroom Cult Vanishes

(Montrose) An exotic mushroom cult operating west of here has disappeared according to anthropologists with very little else to study. The tribal band, which reportedly worshipped tomatoes, zucchini and several varieties of summer squash, had inhabited these desert canyons, shadowed by  the Uncompahgre Plateau since the early 12th Century. It was not clear why the flock disbanded although drought has been blamed as the current bugaboo.

“Years of continuing dryness beat them down to a dusty pulp and may have eventually caused them to flee,” said a bone and tissue man from Western State Colorado University in Gunnison. “Other more rigid indications point to petty warfare and hungry bears and lions that likely picked off the very young and the weaker tribe members when more traditional food supplies grew short.”

The cult had thrived for centuries despite intrusions by tour buses, hikers and anxious graduate students who sought to get a peak at the architectural marvels and spartan lifestyle of such a primitive, yet enlightened culture. Success was limited since the elusive warriors, once the masters of the region, often conducted diversionary tactics to protect the group. One such goose chase led anthropologists all the way into Salt Lake City with nothing to show but a few flints and arrowheads for their efforts.

Contrasting theories suggest that the cult simply ran out of food staples such as corn and piñon nuts, and moved on.

“All these postulates swimming around do nothing to prove that drought was to blame for the termination of these primitives,” said another academic source at Mesa State University. “When did man begin measuring droughts in the desert anyway? It seems about as useful as calculating the measure of rain water in river water or sunlight from moonlight.”

Quasi-local input was limited to a few high school biology students who claim to have talked to members of the cult at desert woodsies. The students represent the highest level of education here. Montrose has no college due to shortsighted politicians whose pettiness convinced state authorities that the town was generally hostile to higher education, a status that many contend continues to this day.

– Johnny Gangaseede

Obituary JOHN Q. FLY

Close friends and family bemoan the passing of John Q Fly this morning. Fly, a short-timer resident of the San Juan and Elk Mountains was survived by countless shirttail relatives and an estimated 2000 maggots. His burial details were not released but it is surmised that his mangled carcass was simply thrown into the trash or a wood stove.

The cause of death has been determined to be a rolled up copy of The San Juan Horseshoe. A  quondam casket, proxy memorial will be announced by the weekend.

Although his exact birthdate remains unknown, Fly managed to pester and annoy more than 3500 people in the region during his brief, but active stay. All who knew him agreed that he enjoyed his work. Although not much of a sportsman, he loved to eat fish and was especially attracted to sugar and grease throughout his too short existence.

Ancestors include maternal grandparents John L Fly and Margaret Q Fly of the Newport Gadflies and maiden aunt Bess Tsetse Diptera who had a major impact on John when he was but a maggot himself. In contrast, her lifelong partner Elrod Caddis served as a particularly bad example, preferring to hang around urinals and feed lots than take on any real family responsibility.

Colona County Line

with Melvin O’Toole

CANDIDATES WAVING AT WHOM?

During this and all election years the image of a smiling, waving politician intrudes relentlessly into our grey matter. Impeccably packaged, this highly charged hopeful parades around lip servicing the issues, one eye in the mirror and one on the prompter.

But who are they waving at? Nobody in particular, say campaign watchdogs, who add that the robotic interaction is practiced right along with the right smile, the right swagger, a knowing wink and the right applied compassion.

“All this waving in the air at nobody parallels the big charade these pseudo-elections often portray,” said Syd Pennywhistle of Body Language Starts with You, a lobby cluster for the exercise and ankle weight industry. “If the candidates were really waving at someone in particular we might actually see a whisper of accountability after the polls shut down.”

Pennywhistle adds that in recent years fewer people in the audiences have been waving back leading political analysts to believe that the electorate is having trouble connecting to its leaders.

“Politicos have always been far more concerned with voter perception than decisions based on performance. ” he explained, “and waving at the walls and ceilings seems to be an appropriate gesture.”

Bear Shock Collar Could be Solution

For years mountain towns have been invaded by hungry bears in search of a meal this time of the year. That sustenance could come as a bag of human-generated garbage, an unattended late afternoon barbecue or even as a small pet.

A recent letter to the Aspen Daily News outlines a bold, new plan to install shock collars around the necks of offending bruins. Bears would be anesthetized, tagged, examined and collared by authorities in each locale. Then residents would be given remote push-button devices with which to send a charge to the neck of the furry intruder.

While this approach could be an effective, albeit cumbersome, solution it also creates potential budgetary and procedural problems. Aside from offending animal rights advocates the practice could be expensive, unduly punitive and downright dangerous.

Plus, if history is our witness, the bear might soon build up a resistance to the shock and, in some cases, may associate it with food (See Pavlov’s Bear studies). Maybe the plan goes too far, or maybe not far enough.

The suggestion has generated a response from the Uncompahgre Valley where the problem grows with the gentrification of mountain towns and the bear population. A letter from Colona says:

“We realize that Colona is perceived by ski barons and their serfs as the North Korea of Colorado however our solution to the bear problem is valid. For years people here have attached shock collars around the private parts of the animals in hope of creating the strongest impact when charged. The practice of wrapping the collar tightly around the testicles of the boar, although rarely implemented, is thought to have some merit while this approach to the sow appears to have little or no value at all. Over the years we have had trouble convincing the bears to cooperate with this crude application even though in the end it is to their direct benefit. We laud your progressive approach to bruin discouragement which is a far better idea than the current plan to cede large tracts of Utah and Wyoming to these monsters.

Masterpieces Stolen

An array of priceless art masterpieces have been reportedly stolen from a downtown Colona gallery today leaving curators stunned and the population feeling violated. The bold heist was perpetuated during daylight hours, despite a security vigil maintained round the clock by the Blue Belles, a militant canning unit attached to the light infantry battalion at nearby Fort Crawford.

The value of the stolen art items was not clear at press time.

Police remain baffled as to why thieves did not hijack the life-size mural entitled Wonder Woman of Log Hill Mesa which was displayed at the museum. Conjecture has it that the unframed, delicate mural might have been too difficult for the thieves to unload due to size and subject matter. Craft critics agree that the loss of this piece would have delivered a crushing blow to the local art community.

An admittedly incomplete inventory of the missing classics has listed an Elsa Saint Vincent Monet, two faded Vincent Van Gundys, a collection of Candy Warhol nesting oils depicting migrations on Dexter Creek, and an extended collection of Joey Piccaso charcoal etchings made in Silverton during the expulsion of the Chinese in 1902.

Responding to a mid-afternoon alarm, police found a badly torn Lenny da Vinci watercolor and sketches allegedly made by Junior Matisse, a celebrated law enforcement officer known for outstanding brushwork, and, as readers will certainly recall, the earliest gothic portrayal of Dogs Playing Poker in North America.

The only other brazen theft of this magnitude occurred in 1981 when two six packs of Coors and a cardboard cut-out of Marilyn Monroe were lifted from the Colona Store while the owners were out chasing cows.

LOST PETS…

A badly matted Mohican Westfield terrier was lost in the vicinity of the Colona marijuana dispensary on Friday. The 40-pound male, who is missing one eye,  goes by the name of Spike, but don’t call him that as it makes him aggressive.

A Newfoundland mix who goes by the name of Rhonda was reported missing yesterday. Owners say she could be traveling in the company of a truck driving chihuahua named Les and is most likely attired in a slinky black cocktail dress. Reward.

A border collie with a PhD. went missing earlier in the week after teaching a weekly calculus, nuclear physics and thermodynamics class at the Wimpton Library. A graduate of the highly accredited Paper Training for the Gifted, the canine was last seen getting into a late model Toyota with New Jersey plates.

Remember: Illegal transport of erotic birds over international waters is a class seven felony punishable by fines and imprisonment. Persons receiving these species are responsible for cleanup.

A WALKING TOUR OF NEVADA’S BROTHELS

County Short on Smaller Hats