All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
JEEP TO RECALL TWO MILLION CHEROKEES
(Oklahoma City) The Jeep Corporation today confirmed wild rumors that it would recall more than two million Cherokees over the next few months. The reason for the move centers on a highly efficient and intricate smoke signal system perfected here. The recall, if approved, will affect almost 60% of the entire tribe. Sources on the reservation say the Cherokee Nation has yet to blink in the face of the rich and powerful auto maker.
The smoke system will replace the 2012-2013 Owner’s Manual which even executives at Jeep agree “sucks”.
“I didn’t know we had that many Cherokees,” said Walt Gladstone of Silverton Used Cars. Considering all that Manifold destiny business that went down in the 19th Century the statistic is amazing. Most of us around here figured that after all the broken treaties by the White folks there wouldn’t be enough Cherokees left to field a baseball team.”
Most in the Cherokee Nation expressed anger and resentment when told of the program.
“Just because some corporation is handing out free bus tickets doesn’t mean any of us is going anywhere,” said Jules Littlehead, a Cherokee chief currently living back in North Carolina.”We don’t have to cooperate with this, yet another insult from our white brothers”.
Meanwhile lobbyists for Jeep have petitioned their friends in the federal gov’ment to intercede on their behalf. Plans to cut off the Cherokee trusts and limit water rights are already under advisement at executive levels.
But the Cherokee aren’t taking this matter lightly. Members of other tribes have been consulted and have offered support.
“It was horrible that the cavalry burned our villages and destroyed our culture. Then they named their streets and shopping malls after us,” said Littlehead. Later it was their cars. If we didn’t have all this oil sitting under the reservation we’d all move to Canada.”
A spokesman for Jeep assured the tribe that its people would not be detained for long and would be back home in Oklahoma soon.
“Even our license plates boast pride in Native America,” he rasped. “You can trust us.”
Oklahoma car license plates feature the slogan : Native America even though all of these “happy and contented Native Americans” were forced to go there to live on reservations in the 19th Century.
Executives at Jeep have promised blankets, meat and medicine to any Cherokee who turns himself in before Christmas. – Kashmir Horseshoe
Pharmacy Front for Drugs
(Mañana, CO) The mega-corporate My Mañana Pharmacy was closed this morning after a police raid allegedly netted drugs in the building. The forced closure came as a surprise to employees who arrived at work and were immediately apprehended for questioning. The working pharmacist, 65-year-old Dr Efram Pennywhistle, expressed shock and disgust at the development.
“We are not a front for anything,” he said. “Sure we sell a lot of sunglasses, postcards and tourist junk but our primary purpose is to provide pharmaceuticals for out customers. We are legal.”
Although the business remains closed today, police say that there may have been a misunderstanding in that the Mañana Pharmacy was confused with the many mom and pop marijuana distribution centers that have flooded the town since December.
My Mañana has filed a formal protest for the interruption of commerce and harassment.
“They don’t want mega-chain stores here,” said Pennywhistle. “We don’t sell marijuana,”
– Peg Legge O’Sullivan
Discovery of Giant Fly Swatter Bodes Poorly for Mankind?
Archeologists examine the giant fly swatter found in Oh Be Joyful Basin Saturday.
(Crested Butte) The unearthing of a massive fly swatter in Oh Be Joyful Basin Thursday may indicate the god’s displeasure with man according to spiritual and scientific experts here. Arriving on the scene almost immediately after the find, local religious leaders expressed grave concern while the scientific community shouldered computers and scrambled for answers.
Oh Be Joyful, for centuries the chosen haunt of Greco-Roman, Norse, Hindu and Native American gods, due to its unsurpassed beauty and a remote location relative to the 21st Century. Artifacts such as oversize smoking pouches, XXL lingerie and exotic footwear have been dug up over the past decades by grazing cattle and local hippies but the fly swatter development lends a dark and ominous twist to these and other archeological puzzles in the Elks.A similar find near the Venetian city of Chania, in western Crete was verified in 1961. Paleontologists believe that the Minoan culture, which worshipped an assortment of gods and goddesses, may have attracted jealous Mount Olympus gods as early as the 20th Century BC. It was not clear to educated diggers there if the gods came to Crete to punish or to party.This fly swatter, made in the United States in about 1937 was of good quality balsa wood and glazed netting compared to the Oh Be Joyful vestige, which was made in China of cheap, flimsy plastic.
“While both of these discoveries are impressive to say the least it is virtually impossible to tell who was who and what was what where gods are concerned,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of the Dark Canyon Institute. “Whether they planned to use the weapon/swatter to exterminate pests still isn’t clear nor is any indication of who or what they considered to dwell in that category of living things.”
Beautiful Oh Be Joyful Basin near Crested Butte.
Another scientist from Rocky Mountain Biological Weapons Institute at Gothic echoed the same appraisal.
“We know that the ancient gods preferred to deal with mortal man in the most expedient, and often fatalistic, manner while the more modern Judeo-Christian gods (along with thousands of man-made saints) appear more gentle often choosing to lure their prey before lowering the boom.”
Both agreed with local clergy and holy men who say the finds are without equal.
One clergyman from Baldwin went further saying that the discovery may indicate the coming apocalypse. He insisted that sinners repent and the good folk give money and pay attention.
“This is no fossil,” cried one zealot who roams these mountains in nothing but a goatskin and Broncos cap. “This is the Coming! The war gods are angry! They intend to destroy the pests!”
The site of the Oh Be Joyful excavation, which now stretches 40 miles to the Sawatch Range, originally resembled a large broken campsite with leviathan logs surrounding mammoth fire pits, accentuated by huge rocks which, according to scientists, were put in place by more than wind, rain and general erosion. The monster fly swatter has not been moved from its resting place for fear of damaging what could be a link to the mysteries of eternal life.
Local authorities are concerned over potential violence since legendary war gods like Mars, Zeus, Thor and Odin are known to camp in the basin. Although incidents and contact with humans is rare, police remain on red alert (as compared to green alert?).
“We don’t want any tourists to get squashed by angry gods,” said one officer. “Generally locals know enough to avoid infuriating bears, lions, moose and even gods in the back country but our visitors are often overwhelmed with excitement in seeing a beast and forget that they can be dangerous. The haunting question remains: Why would the technology have been developed and brought here if someone wasn’t planning to use it? I imagine humans are a lot easier to hit than flies,” he frowned.
Another resident expressed certainty that the gods are there.
“My dog Hades have seen footprints for years but they were often covered in snow and hard to identify. The we saw the decadent ones! We saw them one night dancing around the fire swinging the giant fly swatter back and forth in some sort of ritual,” said an Irwin man who demanded anonymity. “They chanted about the intruders on the earth and the talk wasn’t kind. I treated the episode like I would treat a face to face with a bear and quickly scampered down the mountain to the reasonably secure confines of Gunsight Trail. If you don’t believe me, ask Hades.”
Cynics say there is no reason to worry and that the swatter is probably some sort of divine athletic club or fanning device. Many say the gods have every reason to be angry at humans for the way they have taken care of the planet and for the treatment of their ancient ally the bear.
These ancient gods are not about to crack omelets at this time,” said one eggnostic. “They are waiting for something bigger when they can make the final impact.”
The area surrounding the discovery has been cordoned off indefinitely.
“We heartily suggest that despite the winter weather persons skiing and snowshoeing in the basin exercise extreme caution if they happen on to large beings up there. Don’t buzz around pestering anyone, landing on their food. Biting is out of the question entirely. We don’t know what to expect yet but we’d like to avoid cleaning up a mess. Winding up on the wrong side of a fly swatter cannot be a pleasant way to spend a sunny afternoon.”
– Susie Compost
St Roscoe’s Apologizes for Flu Serum, Viagra Mixup
(Montrose) How it happened, or more specifically why a sexual enhancement product was on these hallowed shelves at all is the big question being asked in hospital corridors this morning.
Following yesterday’s frightening episode, where flu shot enthusiasts were given viagra instead of the regular serum they wanted, officials here are still trying to sort things out. How anyone could mistake one for the other is beyond belief according to patients and doctors who are calling for a thorough investigation.
Whether persons seeking viagra were administered flu serum had not been established at the time of this writing.
“Although we did not receive so much as one complaint from flu shot patients we knew something was wrong,” said Dr Phillip Lackluster of the College of Surgeons here.
“Normally persons receiving a flu shot exhibit slight drowsiness and lightheadedness following the unnecessary and barbaric procedure of injecting disease directly into their veins. These patients did not.
One emergency room official who was quick to point out that she had nothing to do with the foul up in the supply room said she thought a conspiracy was to blame.
“A lot of people are angry over the pharmaceutical-insurance-hospital complex and the subsequent costs of health care,” she said. People are capable of tricks like this. People can be mean when they see they are getting screwed while others are getting rich off their misery.”
She stopped short of calling the mishap an inside job adding that countless persons have access to pharmaceuticals at St Roscoe’s.
“It’s a hospital, duh,” she snapped.
But every cloud may have a silver lining.
“None of the patients who took viagra has come down with the flu,” smiled Lackluster, acknowledging that it was still early and that identifying and erection of symptoms alone could last more than four hours.” -Warren of Wexley
For a related story turn to Venus de Milo Arms Sales Anger Milanese on Page 46
Desert Mushroom Cult Vanishes
(Montrose) An exotic mushroom cult operating west of here has disappeared according to anthropologists with very little else to study. The tribal band, which reportedly worshipped tomatoes, zucchini and several varieties of summer squash, had inhabited these desert canyons, shadowed by the Uncompahgre Plateau since the early 12th Century. It was not clear why the flock disbanded although drought has been blamed as the current bugaboo.
“Years of continuing dryness beat them down to a dusty pulp and may have eventually caused them to flee,” said a bone and tissue man from Western State Colorado University in Gunnison. “Other more rigid indications point to petty warfare and hungry bears and lions that likely picked off the very young and the weaker tribe members when more traditional food supplies grew short.”
The cult had thrived for centuries despite intrusions by tour buses, hikers and anxious graduate students who sought to get a peak at the architectural marvels and spartan lifestyle of such a primitive, yet enlightened culture. Success was limited since the elusive warriors, once the masters of the region, often conducted diversionary tactics to protect the group. One such goose chase led anthropologists all the way into Salt Lake City with nothing to show but a few flints and arrowheads for their efforts.
Contrasting theories suggest that the cult simply ran out of food staples such as corn and piñon nuts, and moved on.
“All these postulates swimming around do nothing to prove that drought was to blame for the termination of these primitives,” said another academic source at Mesa State University. “When did man begin measuring droughts in the desert anyway? It seems about as useful as calculating the measure of rain water in river water or sunlight from moonlight.”
Quasi-local input was limited to a few high school biology students who claim to have talked to members of the cult at desert woodsies. The students represent the highest level of education here. Montrose has no college due to shortsighted politicians whose pettiness convinced state authorities that the town was generally hostile to higher education, a status that many contend continues to this day.
– Johnny Gangaseede
Obituary JOHN Q. FLY
Close friends and family bemoan the passing of John Q Fly this morning. Fly, a short-timer resident of the San Juan and Elk Mountains was survived by countless shirttail relatives and an estimated 2000 maggots. His burial details were not released but it is surmised that his mangled carcass was simply thrown into the trash or a wood stove.
The cause of death has been determined to be a rolled up copy of The San Juan Horseshoe. A quondam casket, proxy memorial will be announced by the weekend.
Although his exact birthdate remains unknown, Fly managed to pester and annoy more than 3500 people in the region during his brief, but active stay. All who knew him agreed that he enjoyed his work. Although not much of a sportsman, he loved to eat fish and was especially attracted to sugar and grease throughout his too short existence.
Ancestors include maternal grandparents John L Fly and Margaret Q Fly of the Newport Gadflies and maiden aunt Bess Tsetse Diptera who had a major impact on John when he was but a maggot himself. In contrast, her lifelong partner Elrod Caddis served as a particularly bad example, preferring to hang around urinals and feed lots than take on any real family responsibility.
