Discovery of Giant Fly Swatter Bodes Poorly for Mankind?

Archeologists examine the giant fly swatter found in Oh Be Joyful Basin Saturday.

(Crested Butte) The unearthing of a massive fly swatter in Oh Be Joyful Basin Thursday may indicate the god’s displeasure with man according to spiritual and scientific experts here. Arriving on the scene almost immediately after the find, local religious leaders expressed grave concern while the scientific community shouldered computers and scrambled for answers.

Oh Be Joyful, for centuries the chosen haunt of Greco-Roman, Norse, Hindu and Native American gods, due to its unsurpassed beauty and a remote location relative to the 21st Century. Artifacts such as oversize smoking pouches, XXL lingerie and exotic footwear have been dug up over the past decades by grazing cattle and local hippies but the fly swatter development lends a dark and ominous twist to these and other archeological puzzles in the Elks.A similar find near the Venetian city of  Chania, in western Crete was verified in 1961. Paleontologists believe that the Minoan culture, which worshipped an assortment of gods and goddesses, may have attracted jealous Mount Olympus gods as early as the 20th Century BC. It was not clear to educated diggers there if the gods came to Crete to punish or to party.This fly swatter, made in the United States in about 1937 was of good quality balsa wood and glazed netting compared to the Oh Be Joyful vestige, which was made in China of cheap, flimsy plastic.

“While both of these discoveries are impressive to say the least it is virtually impossible to tell who was who and what was what where gods are concerned,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of the Dark Canyon Institute. “Whether they planned to use the weapon/swatter to exterminate pests still isn’t clear nor is any indication of who or what they considered to dwell in that category of living things.”

Beautiful Oh Be Joyful Basin near Crested Butte.

Another scientist from Rocky Mountain Biological Weapons Institute at Gothic echoed the same appraisal.

“We know that the ancient gods preferred to deal with mortal man in the most expedient, and often fatalistic, manner while the more modern Judeo-Christian gods (along with thousands of man-made saints) appear more gentle often choosing to lure their prey before lowering the boom.”

Both agreed with local clergy and holy men who say the finds are without equal.

One clergyman from Baldwin went further saying that the discovery may indicate the coming apocalypse. He insisted that sinners repent and the good folk give money and pay attention.

“This is no fossil,” cried one zealot who roams these mountains in nothing but a goatskin and Broncos cap. “This is the Coming! The war gods are angry! They intend to destroy the pests!”

The site of the Oh Be Joyful excavation, which now stretches 40 miles to the Sawatch Range, originally resembled a large broken campsite with leviathan logs surrounding mammoth fire pits, accentuated by huge rocks which, according to scientists, were put in place by more than wind, rain and general erosion. The monster fly swatter has not been moved from its resting place for fear of damaging what could be a link to the mysteries of eternal life.

Local authorities are concerned over potential violence since legendary war gods like Mars, Zeus, Thor and Odin are known to camp in the basin. Although incidents and contact with humans is rare, police remain on red alert (as compared to green alert?).

“We don’t want any tourists to get squashed by angry gods,” said one officer. “Generally locals know enough to avoid infuriating bears, lions, moose and even gods in the back country but our visitors are often overwhelmed with excitement in seeing a beast and forget that they can be dangerous. The haunting question remains: Why would the technology have been developed and brought here if someone wasn’t  planning to use it? I imagine humans are a lot easier to hit than flies,” he frowned.

Another resident expressed certainty that the gods are there.

“My dog Hades have seen footprints for years but they were often covered in snow and hard to identify. The we saw the decadent ones! We saw them one night dancing around the fire swinging the giant fly swatter back and forth in some sort of ritual,” said an Irwin man who demanded anonymity. “They chanted about the intruders on the earth and the talk wasn’t kind. I treated the episode like I would treat a face to face with a bear and quickly scampered down the mountain to the reasonably secure confines of Gunsight Trail. If you don’t believe me, ask Hades.”

Cynics say there is no reason to worry and that the swatter is probably some sort of divine athletic club or fanning device. Many say the gods have every reason to be angry at humans for the way they have taken care of the planet and for the treatment of their ancient ally the bear.

These ancient gods are not about to crack omelets at this time,” said one eggnostic. “They are waiting for something bigger when they can make the final impact.”

The area surrounding the discovery has been cordoned off indefinitely.

“We heartily suggest that despite the winter weather persons skiing and snowshoeing in the basin exercise extreme caution if they happen on to large beings up there. Don’t buzz around pestering anyone, landing on their food. Biting is out of the question entirely. We don’t know what to expect yet but we’d like to avoid cleaning up a mess. Winding up on the wrong side of a fly swatter cannot be a pleasant way to spend a sunny afternoon.”

– Susie Compost