Desert Mushroom Cult Vanishes

(Montrose) An exotic mushroom cult operating west of here has disappeared according to anthropologists with very little else to study. The tribal band, which reportedly worshipped tomatoes, zucchini and several varieties of summer squash, had inhabited these desert canyons, shadowed by  the Uncompahgre Plateau since the early 12th Century. It was not clear why the flock disbanded although drought has been blamed as the current bugaboo.

“Years of continuing dryness beat them down to a dusty pulp and may have eventually caused them to flee,” said a bone and tissue man from Western State Colorado University in Gunnison. “Other more rigid indications point to petty warfare and hungry bears and lions that likely picked off the very young and the weaker tribe members when more traditional food supplies grew short.”

The cult had thrived for centuries despite intrusions by tour buses, hikers and anxious graduate students who sought to get a peak at the architectural marvels and spartan lifestyle of such a primitive, yet enlightened culture. Success was limited since the elusive warriors, once the masters of the region, often conducted diversionary tactics to protect the group. One such goose chase led anthropologists all the way into Salt Lake City with nothing to show but a few flints and arrowheads for their efforts.

Contrasting theories suggest that the cult simply ran out of food staples such as corn and piñon nuts, and moved on.

“All these postulates swimming around do nothing to prove that drought was to blame for the termination of these primitives,” said another academic source at Mesa State University. “When did man begin measuring droughts in the desert anyway? It seems about as useful as calculating the measure of rain water in river water or sunlight from moonlight.”

Quasi-local input was limited to a few high school biology students who claim to have talked to members of the cult at desert woodsies. The students represent the highest level of education here. Montrose has no college due to shortsighted politicians whose pettiness convinced state authorities that the town was generally hostile to higher education, a status that many contend continues to this day.

– Johnny Gangaseede