All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Beached at Pantano du Sul

At dawn the big, yellow double-decker wound and burrowed its groggy way from the Pampas of Uruguay to the dark green coastal mountains of southern Brazil. Passing palms and paineira trees recharged its droopy-eyed cargo, suddenly mesmerized by the brilliant morning sun. By mid-morning the blue lapping Atlantic, having given up Spanish, is now speaking Portuguese.

The pristine Solidao Beach, a short hike from town

Only two more bus rides from the city of Florianopolis, clammily clogged in the traffic of a slow summer samba, and finally a siesta on the beach in Pantano del Sul, a pretty fishing town on the southern tip of Isla Santa Catarina. Running fifty miles north to south this diverse island, about six hours south of Sao Paulo, is comprised of sub-tropical Atlantic forests, 42 distinct beaches, countless waterfalls and lagoons. The island gets crowded in January but tranquil Pantano makes a particularly good place to immerse with the gulls and the iguanas. Its’ ramshackle restaurant row, brightly painted houses and colorful fishing boats pop out like foam from a sweet yet salty dream.

The residents, originally from the Azores, settled the three-street village in the 1870s. Most can’t make a lot of sense of the tourists that started coming here only in recent years. Mandatory gear: flip-flops, a beach chair and a swim suit…the summer masquerade from December to April…hiking boots, sun screen, rain gear and a hat for the nearby mountains. A few  obrigados (thank yous) mixed in with an occasional Tudo bem? (How are things?), a little respect and a big smile easily uncork the natural friendliness of the natives.

Remembering the initial efforts to preserve the jungles and beaches that surround the town, one resident told me that the local populace was at first cold to the greening of the south end of the island until they realized that the environment-friendly designation, established in 2000, not only slowed the mindless march of progress but it brought needed dollars into the economy.

“It kept their lives on the slow cycle. Fish are not a solid commodity,” laughed Nana, who has lived here since 1993. “Some years the local catch all but disappears, but tourists looking for the natural experience can be counted on more and more to drop a few reals in town, at least in the six-month summer.”

Originally from Puerto Alegre, some 400 kilometers south, she told me that the best time to visit the island was either October or April when the summer people thinned and the place was super serene.

“It’s not the tropics, but the summer stays around well into June when things cool off substantially in Uruguay and Argentina,” she said from the deck of her striking wood frame house blessed with a commanding view of the bay.

Pantano du Sul, at the southern tip of Isla Santa Catarina

Then it’s just you and a few fishermen. Peace is a tranquil morning hiking to Praia Solidao (Solitude Beach) or a stroll through the figueira or sinamomo trees to rocky points that stretched out into the open Atlantic like abyssal fingers on the steady hand of a sharp-eyed sea dog.

Down on the water there are no high rise hotels like up north at Praia Dos Ingleses or  Rio Vermelho where noisy, perfumed Argentine visitors rev their engines and turn up the bass. Instead of most of the local families gather in the middle of town on the church steps at dark.

Gossip runs from fishing to family matters usually covering Carnival and futbal, which are hot topics the year round. First its the older folk watching the world creep by, then later in the evening it’s the teenagers flirting within the ancient, often awkward, ritual of boy meets girl. All are simply engaging in soaldades(feeling souls touch) while small seafood restaurants serve up Tainha, Amehouges and Espada along with tender Calamari. If one has a craving for shrimp it is the local custom to order the crustaceans by the name Lula (referring to Lula de Silva, the popular President of Brazil).

At the Arante Bar, just feet from the sea, I sit sipping caipirinhas(little peasant girls), made from aguardente (cane liquor) fresh limes, sugar and lots of ice. At our large table in the window sit an international contingent: a technical writer from Paris, two pro futbal/soccer players from Moldavia, a local theater director, a teacher from Florianopolis, a local hotel owner and an Austrian accordion player. The hot sun and the cold drinks cut through the language barrier as naturally as crabs and sandpipers whispering to the patient surf. Most of these folks speak at least five languages and tolerate my castillano and gringo Portuguese.

Many of the residents live in houses perched on cliffs above the sea accessed by steep, narrow paths that wind through the jungle, challenging by day, treacherous by night. It is humid, the samba hangs in the branches of the trees. The air is sweet, the moon is full. After negotiating the knotty, breakneck footway in sloppy sandals I finally make it back to town and my breezy bungalow. It’s 3:30 am and the crowded cafes are still inviting but tomorrow’s plan for an early morning hike dictates restraint.

Eight well-marked trailheads of various length and difficulty promise to deposit the explorer on a stunning beach or deliver the surfer to crashing waves just a few short miles from town. The trails are better in the morning before the rain. Necessary companions include a bottle of water and this morning’s sand in one’s ears under the jungle canopy.

One can hike to Naufragados (the Shipwrecked) along the beach for about a hot four hours or take a local bus to a trailhead and climb over the mountain (3.5 kilometers) descending on a piece of sandy paradise complete with two restaurants and a small hotel. There were never more than 20 people on the beach during each of my three jaunts to that magic beach. The soft early morning here is nothing short of magnificent, unless one compares it to the shady afternoons or perhaps the blazing sunset. The fish is delicious and the beer is ice-cold.

Another trail directly from Patano lifts hikers along cobblestone hills into the jungle via a small mountain pass to Lagoinha do Este. This pristine beach which takes on the full force of the Atlantic face to face. It features incredible vistas, seasonal waterfalls and a giant fresh-water lagoon perfect for a swim after the sweltering ramble through the  forests.

– Kevin Haley

Depressants Hailed as Miracle Drug

(Trenchtown) The ever-vigil pharmaceutical industry has developed a new product aimed at counteracting to effects of anti-depressant drug therapy. The breakthrough pill, dubbed the depressant, has been heralded as the antidote for people who are getting too high, and feeling too good on anti-depressant medications.

Considering the high percentage of people currently ingesting happy pills, the depressant formula should provide a stopgap remedy for too much false happiness, as well as major profits for the manufacturer.

A stark black capsule, aimed at neutralizing the effects of the first medication would replace the bright, shiny blue or yellow anti-depressant pill. Experts say the benefits could be seen almost immediately.

Research on the depressant has been ongoing due to the increase in anti-depressant use and the perceived need to bring the patient back to normal before real therapy can run its course. It has been conducted in secret so as not to alarm the pill popping public.

“In 90% of our test cases we have found that the new drug works great,” said one researcher. “How can we expect people to achieve true happiness when they are popping attitude adjustment bombers every day? After a few weeks they have lost all that is instinctual. They don’t know how to react to the positives and negatives of daily life.”

An industry spokesman said the long-awaited anti-addiction pill, aimed at helping people get off all medication is still in the works.

“We want to develop a daily medication to help our clients come down or go up depending on what drug has been prescribed,” she said. “Then we can begin the entire process again for the next batch of those who suffer from either malady. We have mastered the mood alteration technology. Now it’s just a matter of watching how it stacks up against the ledger sheet.” – Alfalfa Romero 

FEDS MOVE TO CUT MEAT SUPPLY

(Omaha) The United States gov’ment today announced plans to cut meat supplies in an attempt to lower the nation’s consumption of a food known to make people more aggressive.

The program, which identified carnivores as the culprits in most of the violent acts committed here, strongly suggests that meat control is overdue. Supporters of the move in Congress insist that people don’t need red meat everyday to survive.

“It’s one thing to possess enough red meat to protect oneself from protein deficiency but another matter when people’s freezers are filled to the brink with high-powered roasts and multi-clip flank steaks,” say the legislators.

Sources in Washington confide that while the gov’ment seeks to protect the personal rights of its citizens, as laid out in the Constitution and Bill of Rights, there are gaping holes between personal freedoms and burgeoning anarchy.

“We must tighten controls on meat laws and be sure that all meat owners/eaters are registered,” said voices in the above group. “That means a more responsible meat lobby, zero tolerance red flagging of felons and better record keeping at meat shows and in butcher shops across the country.”

Critics say that with its poor track record the gov’ment should not run anything except clocks, solar power, ferris wheels and downtown buses (the latter being questionable).

Many feel that if the gov’ment gets a foot in the door with regards to meat control now, future leaders may try to take the measure farther down the road, threatening their choice cuts. They say a well stocked freezer is a deterrent to an assortment of threats from within and without.

“In Europe they don’t eat as much meat and they have problems too,” said a meat advocate. “In South America people eat meat at every sitting if they can afford it and, with the exception of Colombia, Peru, Brazil, Argentina, Paraguay and Venezuela, violence has remained minimal.”

Despite warnings of further crackdowns, meat sales are keeping pace with weapons sales in 2013.

“We need tenderloin answers here and the feds throw us a bone,” stressed militant vegetarians gathered outside the White House this morning. “Meat is worshiped here and in many places around the world. We don’t see much changing with a lot of new gov’ment regulations. It’s all whitewashing on the cake.”

Still others have a different perspective.

“Meat is not the problem,” say slave-wage child care workers camped in the capital, objecting to further cuts in federal funding for mental hospitals. The mental health of our nation is at the rotten core. Professional psychiatric help is only available for the rich and for those who are really off the wagon. The needs of those in the middle are ignored as state and local governments do not budget funds to successfully fight these explosive problems.

“Our modern world is manic and we are in denial,” said one psychologist accompanying the protesting workers. There is no reason for Americans to assault a piece of red meat at every sitting, is there?”

“Our culture has become non-responsive to the people who created it in the first place. Mechanized robots and consumer zombies will not benefit from analysis. Yet fitting in too well in a society gone mad speaks volumes as to the sanity level of our citizens,” she continued. In short, she gasped, if we outlaw meat only outlaws will have it.”

“If you don’t believe the country is nuts just hang around a Wal-Mart parking lot, watch TV or listen to the right and left banter over our Dunkin’ Donuts mornings and Bud Lite afternoons,” she said. “Americans have come to accept all kinds of phony replacements for what was once real life. We expect simulated red meat to make its entrance if it hasn’t already.”

Ugly rumors that the gov’ment will also seek to cut testosterone levels was not confirmed at press time. Reacting to stats indicating that male violence accounts for 95% of the world’s woes, the feds see this maneuver as the number one objective.

Meanwhile a nation-wide bovine hunger strike creeps into its third day with cows refusing lunch and dinner until ranchers “get a little more creative with the pasture cuisine”. It is not clear if these developments are related in any way.

– Tommy Middlefinger

JEEP TO RECALL TWO MILLION CHEROKEES

(Oklahoma City) The Jeep Corporation today confirmed wild rumors that it would recall more than two million Cherokees over the next few months. The reason for the move centers on a highly efficient and intricate smoke signal system perfected here. The recall, if approved, will affect almost 60% of the entire tribe. Sources on the reservation say the Cherokee Nation has yet to blink in the face of the rich and powerful auto maker.

The smoke system will replace the 2012-2013 Owner’s Manual which even executives at Jeep agree “sucks”.

“I didn’t know we had that many Cherokees,” said Walt Gladstone of Silverton Used Cars. Considering all that Manifold destiny business that went down in the 19th Century the statistic is amazing. Most of us around here figured that after all the broken treaties by the White folks there wouldn’t be enough Cherokees left to field a baseball team.”

Most in the Cherokee Nation expressed anger and resentment when told of the program.

“Just because some corporation is handing out free bus tickets doesn’t mean any of us is going anywhere,” said Jules Littlehead, a Cherokee chief currently living back in North Carolina.”We don’t have to cooperate with this, yet another insult from our white brothers”.

Meanwhile lobbyists for Jeep have petitioned their friends in the federal gov’ment to intercede on their behalf. Plans to cut off the Cherokee trusts and limit water rights are already under advisement at executive levels.

But the Cherokee aren’t taking this matter lightly. Members of other tribes have been consulted and have offered support.

“It was horrible that the cavalry burned our villages and destroyed our culture. Then they named their streets and shopping malls after us,” said Littlehead. Later it was their cars. If we didn’t have all this oil sitting under the reservation we’d all move to Canada.”

A spokesman for Jeep assured the tribe that its people would not be detained for long and would be back home in Oklahoma soon.

“Even our license plates boast pride in Native America,” he rasped. “You can trust us.”

Oklahoma car license plates feature the slogan : Native America even though all of these “happy and contented Native Americans” were forced to go there to live on reservations in the 19th Century.

     Executives at Jeep have promised blankets, meat and medicine to any Cherokee who turns himself in before Christmas. – Kashmir Horseshoe

Pharmacy Front for Drugs

(Mañana, CO) The mega-corporate My Mañana Pharmacy was closed this morning after a police raid allegedly netted drugs in the building. The forced closure came as a surprise to employees who arrived at work and were immediately apprehended for questioning. The working pharmacist, 65-year-old Dr Efram Pennywhistle, expressed shock and disgust at the development.

“We are not a front for anything,” he said. “Sure we sell a lot of sunglasses, postcards and tourist junk but our primary purpose is to provide pharmaceuticals for out customers. We are legal.”

Although the business remains closed today, police say that there may have been a misunderstanding in that the Mañana Pharmacy was confused with the many mom and pop marijuana distribution centers that have flooded the town since December.

My Mañana has filed a formal protest for the interruption of commerce and harassment.

“They don’t want mega-chain stores here,” said Pennywhistle. “We don’t sell marijuana,”

– Peg Legge O’Sullivan

Discovery of Giant Fly Swatter Bodes Poorly for Mankind?

Archeologists examine the giant fly swatter found in Oh Be Joyful Basin Saturday.

(Crested Butte) The unearthing of a massive fly swatter in Oh Be Joyful Basin Thursday may indicate the god’s displeasure with man according to spiritual and scientific experts here. Arriving on the scene almost immediately after the find, local religious leaders expressed grave concern while the scientific community shouldered computers and scrambled for answers.

Oh Be Joyful, for centuries the chosen haunt of Greco-Roman, Norse, Hindu and Native American gods, due to its unsurpassed beauty and a remote location relative to the 21st Century. Artifacts such as oversize smoking pouches, XXL lingerie and exotic footwear have been dug up over the past decades by grazing cattle and local hippies but the fly swatter development lends a dark and ominous twist to these and other archeological puzzles in the Elks.A similar find near the Venetian city of  Chania, in western Crete was verified in 1961. Paleontologists believe that the Minoan culture, which worshipped an assortment of gods and goddesses, may have attracted jealous Mount Olympus gods as early as the 20th Century BC. It was not clear to educated diggers there if the gods came to Crete to punish or to party.This fly swatter, made in the United States in about 1937 was of good quality balsa wood and glazed netting compared to the Oh Be Joyful vestige, which was made in China of cheap, flimsy plastic.

“While both of these discoveries are impressive to say the least it is virtually impossible to tell who was who and what was what where gods are concerned,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of the Dark Canyon Institute. “Whether they planned to use the weapon/swatter to exterminate pests still isn’t clear nor is any indication of who or what they considered to dwell in that category of living things.”

Beautiful Oh Be Joyful Basin near Crested Butte.

Another scientist from Rocky Mountain Biological Weapons Institute at Gothic echoed the same appraisal.

“We know that the ancient gods preferred to deal with mortal man in the most expedient, and often fatalistic, manner while the more modern Judeo-Christian gods (along with thousands of man-made saints) appear more gentle often choosing to lure their prey before lowering the boom.”

Both agreed with local clergy and holy men who say the finds are without equal.

One clergyman from Baldwin went further saying that the discovery may indicate the coming apocalypse. He insisted that sinners repent and the good folk give money and pay attention.

“This is no fossil,” cried one zealot who roams these mountains in nothing but a goatskin and Broncos cap. “This is the Coming! The war gods are angry! They intend to destroy the pests!”

The site of the Oh Be Joyful excavation, which now stretches 40 miles to the Sawatch Range, originally resembled a large broken campsite with leviathan logs surrounding mammoth fire pits, accentuated by huge rocks which, according to scientists, were put in place by more than wind, rain and general erosion. The monster fly swatter has not been moved from its resting place for fear of damaging what could be a link to the mysteries of eternal life.

Local authorities are concerned over potential violence since legendary war gods like Mars, Zeus, Thor and Odin are known to camp in the basin. Although incidents and contact with humans is rare, police remain on red alert (as compared to green alert?).

“We don’t want any tourists to get squashed by angry gods,” said one officer. “Generally locals know enough to avoid infuriating bears, lions, moose and even gods in the back country but our visitors are often overwhelmed with excitement in seeing a beast and forget that they can be dangerous. The haunting question remains: Why would the technology have been developed and brought here if someone wasn’t  planning to use it? I imagine humans are a lot easier to hit than flies,” he frowned.

Another resident expressed certainty that the gods are there.

“My dog Hades have seen footprints for years but they were often covered in snow and hard to identify. The we saw the decadent ones! We saw them one night dancing around the fire swinging the giant fly swatter back and forth in some sort of ritual,” said an Irwin man who demanded anonymity. “They chanted about the intruders on the earth and the talk wasn’t kind. I treated the episode like I would treat a face to face with a bear and quickly scampered down the mountain to the reasonably secure confines of Gunsight Trail. If you don’t believe me, ask Hades.”

Cynics say there is no reason to worry and that the swatter is probably some sort of divine athletic club or fanning device. Many say the gods have every reason to be angry at humans for the way they have taken care of the planet and for the treatment of their ancient ally the bear.

These ancient gods are not about to crack omelets at this time,” said one eggnostic. “They are waiting for something bigger when they can make the final impact.”

The area surrounding the discovery has been cordoned off indefinitely.

“We heartily suggest that despite the winter weather persons skiing and snowshoeing in the basin exercise extreme caution if they happen on to large beings up there. Don’t buzz around pestering anyone, landing on their food. Biting is out of the question entirely. We don’t know what to expect yet but we’d like to avoid cleaning up a mess. Winding up on the wrong side of a fly swatter cannot be a pleasant way to spend a sunny afternoon.”

– Susie Compost