All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
Mountain Report
The Rockies, including the San Juans and Elk ranges, are up there again today, standing like a stone wall against the elements…at peace with their surroundings and in total immersion with the coming day.
According to seismic apparatus on the scene, the mountains have shifted ever so slightly to the east, compensating for a miniscule shift to the north last Friday. They are covered with a deep blanket of snow in 95 % of the exposed terrain.
Many of the fury residents have taken to hibernating or hiding out to survive the harsh winter conditions common to areas of higher altitude.
These monuments of rock are projected to be part of the skyline landscape for many, many years to come. It is clear that the mountains will be here when humankind has disappeared or moved on. In short: everything is copasetic in the high country.
The mountains will remain this way while most of our daily problems melt into future dilemmas and our children’s children gaze up at them in awe…in retrospect, all the more reason not to take ourselves, and our brief time here, too seriously.
–Willie Holiday
VATICAN LAUNCHES WEBSITE
(ROME – UPS) The Catholic Church this week announced the establishment of a new website. Three years in the making, the website VATICOM.ORG will provide Catholics worldwide with online spiritual services at the click of a mouse and at unheard of prices.
The free portion of the website features most current Catholic dogma, along with an extensive liturgical calendar and bulletin boards such as ASK THE PRIEST, NUN CHAT, and ALTAR BOYS FUN. Although communion is not available in the free area, virtual pews are offered along with sermons both in Latin and the vernacular.
For just $19.95 per month (credit card, web check or debit authorization) members are treated to a vast panorama of products and services: 1. Communion is dispensed via wine and wafer cookies. 2. Confession is taken for all sins, original or otherwise. 3. Water can be made holy with a mere dip of the mouse. 4. Virtual candles can be lit, and burned for as long as you pay. 5. Blessings and last rites are available 24/7. By clicking on the shopping cart, members can take advantage of many additional products and services.
Due to the recent changes in banking security and the stock market shifts, there has been a massive reorganizing of the catacombs, freeing up a number of relics at the lowest prices ever. In order to make room for the numerous new saints, remains and artifacts of many past minor saints must go. Prophet is not a major consideration. They’ve all gotta go at rock bottom prices.
Annulments are available in all cases where either or both parties to any marriage realize that their marriage was never really spiritually consummated. For a reasonable fee, any member can be virginally remarried in an official church ceremony. Prior dispensation can be obtained for certain contemplated sins of omission. Violations of the Catechism can, in most cases, be expunged seamlessly in exchange for an appropriate payment. Admission to heaven itself can virtually be insured, and without the tedious trappings of virtue.
The website will be particularly useful to parents who want their young boys to be brought up in the church without being directly exposed to priests. Online classes are taught by real nuns, armed with rulers and anger. All government educational vouchers will be accepted. Vatican officials emphasize that actual churches and schools will still be operated as they have been for 2000 years. Exorcisms and extreme unction will only be available live and with appointment.
– Dolores Alegria
GAMES FOR THE BRAINS
Sounds Right But It’s Not
Hey chopper heads! The sound of some words can be defined by other words that mean something else altogether. Can you match the definition of the word in Group A with that is associated by sound and elaborate nonsense to a word in Group B?
Group A
1. Capital S
2. Male escort
3. Wedding Day
4. Judge’s garb
5. How Dali paints
6. Faint noise
7. Lousy poet
8. Ready hat
9. Ex-spouse
10. Fake Diamond
Group B
a. Stalemate
b. Shamrock
c. Locomotion
d. Cereal
e. Largess
f. Bombard
g. Mandate
h. Lawsuit
i. Maritime
j. Handicap
Answers: 1-e, 2-g, 3-i, 4-h, 5-d, 6-c, 7-f, 8-j, 9-a, 10-b.
The Games People Play
Each of the games listed in Group C originated in a locale listed in Group D. Can you put the right game with the right place on the planet?
Group C
1. Awari
2. Hus
3. Pachisi
4. Shove Ha’penny
5. Alquerque
6. Go
7. Senet
8. Chess
9. Shogi
10. Yote’
11. Asalto
12. Caroms
13. Dice
14. Dreidel
15. Knucklebones
Group D
a. Israel
b. Ethiopia
c. Germany
d. India
e. Spain via Egypt
f. Sumeria
g. West Africa
h. Japan
i. Greece
j. Surinam
k. England
l. China
m. Egypt
n. Zimbabwe
o. India
Answers 1-j, 2-n, 3-o, 4-k, 5-e, 6-l, 7-m, 8-d, 9-h, 10-g, 11-c, 12-b, 13-f, 14-a, 15-i.
Bright Menu
In each of the words clued below, whether at the beginning, at the end or in between, you should be able to find something edible. Examples: Loud Cry-Scream-cream. Irritate, annoy-tease-tea. NOW YOU TRY…
1. Alms seeker
2. Outer garments
3. Sailing vessel
4. Width
5. Gravity
6. Smooth
7. Tool
8. Satisfy
9. Sharp-pointed weapon
10. Mottled
11. Fixer of fixtures
12. Move in haste
Answers 1. Beggar, egg; 2. Coats, oats; 3. Windjammer, jam; 4. Breadth, bread; 5. Sobriety, Brie; 6. Sleek, leek; 7. Hammer, ham; 8. Appease, peas; 9. Spear, pear; 10. Dapple, apple; 11. Plumber, plum; 12. Scurry, curry. Now make up about 200 of these clues to spring on your friends. Don’t panic. It’s going to be a long winter.
ARE YOU RIGHT WITH GRAMMAR?
by Edwin R. Whom
Today most Americans cannot spell, make correct change, take responsibility for their own actions or tell us where Canada is located. It is sad. But where, you may ask, did the tragic breakdown first occur? I’ll tell you…It was in the subject of grammar. It is the mastery of this elusive study therefore that stands as the hero of our legacy, the bastion of rock and roll lyrics, the saving grace of the culture. Tread lightly ye rudimentary heretic!
In the following sentences identify the subject, the predicate, all adverbs, adjectives, pronouns, action verbs, prepositions, articles and dangling participles.
1. A penniless Lorain could not find her way out of the suspended paper bag only because the Gypsy prince had relieved her of the master key, among other things.
2. In his tiny head Cal was still the everyday left fielder even though he had not signed so much as one autograph since 1956 and, off the field, was often mistaken for a hockey puck.
3. Suddenly Ben’s peruke slid into the jello salad exposing him for exactly what he was–a confused, though not unattractive, after hours parasite!
4. Maureen didn’t enjoy rats but was often overheard to say, “Mongoose make suitable companions after a flash flood or other tropical storm.”
5. A tentative Maurice tossed down a quick domestic six-pack before heading off into the harsh Montana swampland and into a horizon known locally as Alberta.
WORDS ARE OUR FRIENDS
Can you define the following words?
1. GOOGOL: a.) Ten to the hundredth power; b.) To stare at someone stupidly; c.) A turncoat lieutenant in the service to Genghis Khan; d.) To purposely goose someone and later pretend the victim was one’s wife or husband.
2. ZONDA: a.) a small Japanese car; b.) The name of Dobbie Gillis’ girlfriend; c.) A hot wind of the Argentine pampas; d.) A cheese made from the pasteurized milk of a adolescent yak.
3. JEHU: a.) A Himalayan rope suspension bridge; b.) Someone who drives too fast; c.) A hayseed, a yahoo or someone from Hooterville; d.) The practice of eating dirt, gravel or yellow snow; e.) All of the above.
4. AGRESTIAN: a.) of the land; b.) A tribe inhabiting Northern Albania; c.) Growing wild in irrigation ditches; d.) Someone who is stupid but thinks he is way cool.
5. BUCKEEN: a.) A young man of lesser gentry aping the manners of the greater; an idle shabby young dandy (Irish); b.) Change for a Ten-spot in Wales; c.) Bad knees resulting from athletic abuse and unfortunate genetics; d.) The habit of jockeying back and forth on the potty in an fruitless attempt to relieve discomfort caused by Xiuhtecutli, the Aztec fire god.
Colona Snow Closures
The following institutions are reporting indefinite closures due to heavy snows:
Colona School
Log Hill Ashram
Colona Slaughterhouse – mornings only
Carne Canyon Texaco
San Juan Horseshoe Bath and Scissors
Marigold Hill Homeland Security
Semi-National Airport – 3rd and 4th terminals only
Wildcat Creek Coiffures
Ouray County Puffball Matches
Embassy of the Republic of Fredonia
Cowboys For Horses
Pit Stop Restaurant
Snowy Peak Snow Removal
Colona Liquors is OPEN!
Stay tuned to the skies for further developments. Persons needing further assistance with
regards to survival should call the appropriate gov’ment agency or ask a fellow taxpayer for help – editor.
ANASAZI RUINS BLANKET HEADWALL
(Crested Butte) The discovery of what experts say are a bulwark of ancient Anasazi ruins has closed the popular Headwall to skiers until further notice. The cliff cascades to the crumbling structures, thought to be dwellings or temples, and then drops into Paradise Bowl, where no further presence of the Ancient Ones has been detected.
The Anasazis, like their brothers at Mesa Verde may have lived here as long ago as 800 AD. When, or even if, they built anything resembling these ruins is not clear. Historians know that Utes, who lived in the Elk Mountains later on constructed lavish hunting camps and winter cities yet, because they were made of straw and/or sticks did not survive attacks. The Anasazi built their house of brick.*
Despite the inconvenience suffered by skiers, the news was greeted with excitement by local history buffs who say the discovery proves the Anasazi were alive and well in the Gunnison Valley. Sources at Western State College plan a series of field trips to the area so as to collect data and possible artifacts.
“Up till now we thought the Anasazi were concentrated up in Vail,” said Dr. Billy Glacé, of the Old History Department at the college. “We’re relieved that these revelations have suggested that the Anasazi may have spent at least weekends here.”
Other observers say the Ancient Ones were only second home owners and should not be considered legitimate residents.
“We don’t think these indigenous people had enough time to create ancient ruins by design,” said Almont resident and author of Totem Pole Blues-Arts Festivals in Native America, Gabby Haze.
“Their itineraries were demanding, their agenda pressurized,” Haze offered. “Most of their time was spent growing food and hunting. Housing was a distant priority and the architecture was determined by what materials were close at hand,” he explained. Actually none of us has a clue as to who built all this or who may have hung their head dresses here, but, since there were no white folks around in those days, we have agreed that it’s probably Indians.”
The find has also provoked interest within the construction industry in that it may save thousands of years in the study of effective condoization of remote spots all over the world.
“We can’t afford to build anything that good around here,” said local developer, Betty Marmotbreath, “not if we want it to fall down in time for resale.”
Ski officials did not say when the Headwall may be reopened. At present it appears that the ruins will be covered with visquine until spring. Until then skiers will be rerouted to the northeast and allowed access to the run. Then in June, unless the world ends, teams of archeologists will descend on the place in order to determine the origin and condition of the ruins.
* In Ute legend these flimsy, yet fortified bunkers did not survive even the most minimal of assaults, especially the calculated excursions by the Big Bad Wolf, aka US Cavalry, between 1876 and 1884.
Too Much Bass Bad For Dentures
(Colona) Denture wearers may be at extreme risk when subjected to low-pitched tones or vibrations common to boom boxes and jacked-up automobile stereos. According to leading consumer groups regular exposure to loud, pounding bass waves are not only tedious and unsettling to the ears but can also cause rapid deterioration and rejection of dentures, or false teeth as they are more commonly known.
According to the experts, no matter how well a set of dentures fits the mouth, bass decibels will have adverse affects in up to 91% of examined occurrences. In some rare cases dentists have found that dentures become unattached after only one short tune. Generally it takes repetition and continued exposure to these kinds of sounds but the results are almost always the same.
“We particularly want to warn grandparents driving with their grandchildren,” said Suzie Compost, a denture wearer turned activist after her dentures flew out of a Henway convertible blasting a booming rap concoction. We were just driving along when I felt my dentures loosen and break loose. Before I could react they were gone. It was akin to losing a straw hat on a roller coaster”
According to other motorists the badly battered uppers skidded off a windshield, crashed into a light pole and slammed into the pavement before being retrieved from a ditch. The lowers have yet to be recovered.
Even people possessing their original chompers can be victimized by the pounding bass according to experts who say that none of the senses are equipped to handle the onslaught.
“Fortunately most denture wearers are older and do not see the benefits of this musical expression,” added Compost.
Despite extensive studies the impact of digital beeps on dentures was inconclusive at press time.
-Dolores Feliz-Alegria
