All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

Bozo Meeting Sets Precedents, Frightens Livestock

25 years ago in the Horseshoe

(CRESTED BUTTE) Last night’s Bored of Zoning and Okra (BOZO) meeting got underway with a bang as a variety of subjects from juried tourism to diaper disposal were discussed. Beginning with a prayer to The Purple Victoria, goddess of acceptable architecture and paint, the meeting quickly evolved into a close-range shooting match, as members fielded questions and heard suggestions from a cross-section of the community.

First, on the agenda was a suggestion that, due to increasingly odd behavior, the members of BOZO should undergo urine analysis, to determine a general state of mind. In response, a majority of members agreed to the procedure, saying they had nothing to hide and that “It might be fun”.

One dissenting member protested the proposal, saying that the sacred color purple has never been detected in a simple test of this type. The others agreed to a preliminary study of the plan. Then they spent about 45 minutes arguing about the size of the little bottle that would be employed in the tests. Later, after everyone had held the floor for the prescribed amount of time, it was decided that limited tourism procedures would be arranged but only on the honor system.

Next, the problem of discarded disposable diapers (and not plastic grocery bags) was taken up, with several members of the sanitation district warning the board about the urgency of their requests.

Second Street in Crested Butte features the old jail and town hall, two of the only structures in the village not to have ever been painted purple.

 “During the peak tourist season we pick up about 1,000 disposable diapers per week,” said a garbage technician. “We’re not sure where they come from either, but they are here and must be dealt with. It’s taxing out equipment and our work force,” he continued. “We’re here to seek BOZO’s help in obtaining a permit that would allow us to use the diapers for landfill. Over on Yellow (East) River That,” he added, “could fall under the category of modern architecture?”

After extended conversation, in which every aspect of disposable diapers was examined, BOZO voted to table the matter until a plan could be formulated to study local sales figures and find out if the diapers were being brought in from the outside or if a local baby boom were to blame. One member volunteered to lobby CBMR in an effort to regulate the number of new parents that come to the resort over a given time.

That being decided, the board meeting moved onto the question of trapezoids and triangular windows and doors with an equal number of members voting for windows and against doors, but only if they are considered part of an accessory dwelling.

According to one long-time member of BOZO, “People who want triangle windows can go straight to hell!”

“…And burn in Fire Lake,” added one of her colleagues.

The discussion then moved swiftly into a debate undressing the question of just how high is high?

At that moment a local banker stood up and carefully petitioned the board to allow his building to be three feet longer and two feet higher than the 1st National Bank of Taylor Park, Jack’s Cabin Savings and Loan, Who’s on First National Bank, Snodgrass State Bank, the Teocali Credit Union and several other newly opened financial institutions in the county.

The board granted his request because he was the only bank representative to bring cookies to any of the BOZO meetings.

In closing, the board threw its whole-hearted support behind an idea to establish a Gunnison County Oceanographic Museum, which would include the Slate and East River watersheds and stretch from Taylor to Paonia Reservoirs.

Proponents of the plan say that this may be the last chance to keep greedy Confront Range developers from grabbing local water.

“The way the law now reads is that water rights are adjudicated not only by who needs it, but by who is currently using it,” said one member, “and with whales and other large creatures swimming around in there we’ll be needing all of our water. What is the status of Cherry Creek Reservoir these days?” he mused.

-Gabby Haze

Apology: Regarding: Trump’s Beer Hall Putsch story:

We mistakenly equated Trump’s actions on January 6 to Hitler’s first attempted erection should have read Hitler’s first attempted insurrection. We apologize for any confusion this reckless observation may have caused our reader.

Civics primer

World Bank – an organization that lends money to the current leaders of a country to be used as they see fit and to the military to control the people. Demands for payback of loans can often scrap social programs for the poor. Despite changes in leadership and/or political direction, the people are still responsible for the debt. Some get spiffy fountain pens and a ham at Christmas.

Debtor Nation – One where the Brahman banks have robbed the coffers blind causing them to have to borrow huge sums of money to keep the charade in motion.

Consumer / Mass Corporation: An invisible screen (legally with the same rights as an individual but not the responsibilities of same) that concerns itself solely with profits for itself and its shareholders at the expense of workers who are paid substancially less for their labor. Multiplied, this system will create great fiscal disharmony and destroy the middle class while creating a nation of ignorant sheep.

Turkeys Off Radar

(El Lay) The nation’s turkey population appear to have retreated underground, joining remnants of elk and several hundred defiant Snickers candy bars. These two groups remain in hiding even though the dangerous fall seasons have concluded.

Hunting season and Halloween, while popular with people is often stressful and detrimental for herd and chocolate victims. Thanksgiving, one dimensional and aimed right smack at foolish birds with a few hams thrown in, is clearly genocide according to poultry rights groups here.

Meanwhile Tom Avenue is empty and generally off the grid and the vibrant turkey lounges on Giblet Alley are now dark and quiet.

Local liberals, guilty over the treatment of all three groups have attempted to coax the candy bars and elk from their redoubts but with limited success.

On a high note, Hibernation ’21 has been heralded a “breakthrough success” by the local chamber of commerce and several church groups.

-Fred Zeppelin

Warblers grab smelling bee again

The Yellowbutte Warblers, this years’ only serious participant, have walked away with yet another first-place trophy, narrowly defeating a tough and resilient Tuffy’s Hair Pin Creek squad “on vapors” according to sportscasters vying for attention on the ground.

The Hair Pin team fielded only 2.3 players within an accepted framework of at least 8 to 10 leaving the team plugging up holes rather than fundamental air circulation and crisp passing.

The victors have won the trophy 34 times since 1989

The Lady Warblers, winners of the State Body Chemistry Smelling Bee, were not in attendance raising questions as to perfumes and the sustainability neo-classic body odor. Congratulations to the players and coaches for a splendid performance of mental toughness and personal hygiene.

For more on this highly breakable tidbit please go to 

“Warbler amateur status undocumented” 

COBERTIZO DE RENDIMIENTOS DE CUEVAS LOCALES LUZ SOBRE LOS PRIMEROS HUMANOS

(Continuación de la página de confrontación)

y de estos grabados rupestres se desprende que los neandertales no se habían acostumbrado a la recién emergida estructura del pulgar y tuvieron que depender de sus subordinados Denizen para rescatar las patatas asadas de las rugientes llamas de la fogata. Estas cohortes de ragamuffins a menudo cosechaban cannabis y actuaban como porteadores para los humanos más grandes, a pesar de que tenían fama de quedarse en casa.

Este fragmento amistoso de la historia de la meseta de Colorado le trajo elogios del Jing and Jang Penny Bank: Su banco, pero no su banco.