VATICAN LAUNCHES WEBSITE

(ROME – UPS) The Catholic Church this week announced the establishment of a new website. Three years in the making, the website VATICOM.ORG will provide Catholics worldwide with online spiritual services at the click of a mouse and at unheard of prices.

The free portion of the website features most current Catholic dogma, along with an extensive liturgical calendar and bulletin boards such as ASK THE PRIEST, NUN CHAT, and ALTAR BOYS FUN. Although communion is not available in the free area, virtual pews are offered along with sermons both in Latin and the vernacular.

For just $19.95 per month (credit card, web check or debit authorization) members are treated to a vast panorama of products and services: 1. Communion is dispensed via wine and wafer cookies. 2. Confession is taken for all sins, original or otherwise. 3. Water can be made holy with a mere dip of the mouse. 4. Virtual candles can be lit, and burned for as long as you pay. 5. Blessings and last rites are available 24/7. By clicking on the shopping cart, members can take advantage of many additional products and services.

Due to the recent changes in banking security and the stock market shifts, there has been a massive reorganizing  of the catacombs, freeing up a number of relics at the lowest prices ever. In order to make room for the numerous new saints, remains and artifacts of many past minor saints must go. Prophet is not a major consideration. They’ve all gotta go at rock bottom prices.

Annulments are available in all cases where either or both parties to any marriage realize that their marriage was never really spiritually consummated. For a reasonable fee, any member can be virginally remarried in an official church ceremony. Prior dispensation can be obtained for certain contemplated sins of omission. Violations of the Catechism can, in most cases, be expunged seamlessly in exchange for an appropriate payment. Admission to heaven itself can virtually be insured, and without the tedious trappings of virtue.

The website will be particularly useful to parents who want their young boys to be brought up in the church without being directly exposed to priests. Online classes are taught by real nuns, armed with rulers and anger. All government educational vouchers will be accepted. Vatican officials emphasize that actual churches and schools will still be operated as they have been for 2000 years. Exorcisms and extreme unction will only be available live and with appointment.

– Dolores Alegria