All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
Recycling Plan to Include Crabs
(Gunnison) In what has been called a progressive plan to encourage further recycling, leaders here have included cranky residents in a future blueprint for rubbish removal and general sanitation. Starting this summer refuse engineers will begin picking up recycled persons who have clearly exhibited negative, whinny and destructive behavior as defined by their peers.
According to the master plan the city will not go trolling for malcontents but rather will rely on residents to identify and isolate these people by leaving them on the sidewalk with their garbage and traditional recyclables. Once pegged as a chronic crab and continual menace to the positive flow of energy that person will be hauled off to an unspecified locale to get help.
“I myself “removed” after a series of tantrums and sullen behavior one winter back in Whitefish, Montana,” confessed Byron Ivanhoe, the recognized architect of the Gunnison plan who holds a doctorate in urban planning from Cal Polygamy. “Whitefish, a pioneer in recycling philosophy, sent me to a sanitarium in Belize, where I got help. It was then that I realized light deficiency and continued cold weather didn’t agree with me so I relocated to the banana belt, found a parasitic position, bought a fly rod and began paying back my debt to society.”
Cutting his teeth on recycling back in the Midwest, where entire towns often had to be recycled, Ivanhoe was quick to point out that most people in Colorado are perfectly adjusted and environment and will never need to be recycled.
“Sure in the middle of winter our workload might be higher but then with the coming of the warmer weather we expect very little activity unless we get some unhappy arrival, testy transient or crabby drop-in,” explained Ivanhoe. “All I can say is that our teams receive the latest training and the designated crab had better stay clear of pickup spots on trash day.”
If you live within the confines of the city of Gunnison and you would like to recycle a crabby neighbor or family member simply put them out the night before the scheduled pickup. Persons from outside the city are not eligible for this service. Anyone caught attempting to recycle emotional baggage or toxic materials will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
-Dag Katz
“Just looking for one more enchanted evening before I go down.”
– General Kashmir Horseshoe, 102, prior to the crossing and scaling of Belmont Citadel Birth Canal , March 7, 2024
A los lanzadores de relevo de los Rockies se les pidió que empacaran “bolsas de resina””a
(Denver) Con carteles que dicen: “Haré strikes por comida” y “Limosna para los ciegos”, seis ex lanzadores de relevo de los Rockies de Colorado fueron desalojados de la casa club del equipo esta mañana cuando llegaban a trabajar.
“Odiamos tomar esta acción”, dijo una fuente del club, “pero las cosas se habían salido de control ya que los jugadores estaban atrasados en el alquiler del montículo y habían dormido repetidamente durante las tareas de relevo de la entrada media a pesar de varias advertencias”.
La fuente sugirió que el personal de relevo estaba brindando poco alivio de cara a las últimas entradas.
“Otros equipos cuentan con una segunda línea de defensa, después de la sexta”, dijo, “pero no logramos salir de la quinta y para la octava estamos orando por el final de la novena con dolor de cabeza y una situación inquietante”. marcador para que todos lo vean. Que Dios nos ayude si nos aventuramos en entradas extra”.
La fuente se estremeció cuando se le preguntó dónde irían los desventurados lanzadores, ahora sin hogar, insinuando que podrían ponerse al día con el circo.
LOCAL CAVE RENDERINGS SHED LIGHT ON EARLY HUMANS
(Continued from confront page)
and it appears from these cave etchings that the Neanderthal had not grown accustomed to their newly emerging thumb structure and had to rely on Denizen underlings to rescue baked potatoes from the roaring flames of the campfire. These ragamuffin cohorts would often harvest cannabis and act as porters for the larger humans even though they were notorious stay at homers.
This friendly tidbit of Colorado Plateau history brought to you compliments of
Jing and Jang Penny Bank — Your bank but not your bank.
WORDS USED IN THIS ISSUE
cheeseparings – cheese peels, saved only by the very poor or the tightwad; worthless scraps, miserly economizing; scrimping.
omphaloskepsis – meditation while gazing at one’s naval.
exarch – 1.) a Byzantine big shot. 2.) a Bulgarian ecclesiastical big shot. 3.) an ecclasiastical batman.
scansorial – pertaining to, capable of or adapted for climbing.
patriot – one who loves, supports and defends his country. Term first associated with those who rebel against an oppressive government.
chaology – the study of chaos.
democracy – rule by the majority.
pollard – 1.) an animal that has lost its horns 2.) a severely pruned tree 3.) to kill rabbits by feeding them poisoned grain.
pozzy-wallah – a jam lover (British slang).
flapdragon – a game of catching candy from burning brandy.
EMERGENCY SUPPLY OF TEXANS SHOULD ARRIVE FRIDAY
(Gunnison) A relief shipment of Texans is expected to arrive here by the weekend according to contacts in San Antonio. The shipment should relieve the drastic situation that has concerned local residents after the ski season culminates. With graduation looming the crisis had threatened to reach epidemic proportions and drive the prices of real estate in the county down to a level based on day to day reality.
It would be at least another month before throngs or second home owners and pedestrian tourists arrive with more credit cards and fewer bags of gold.
“We simply can’t have that with all those parents coming to town,” said Andrea Andromeda, a former coal miner hair stylist turned real estate closer.
The Texans will be unloaded near Chipeta Hall all week with the help of the Texas Rangers, The Bureau of Land Management and a group of land owners in Taylor Canyon. Each new arrival will receive 40 acres, a Stetson hat, a Jeep Wagoneer and a Texas/Venison Dictionary.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
GIN EFFECTIVE CURE FOR GIARDIA SAY DOCS
According to a recent press release from the Armenian Medical Association, the liberal application of gin at regular intervals is the fastest, most effective cure for the malady known as giardia. The findings come after almost thirty years of major yak research conducted somewhere in Asia Minor.
A giardia is known to be the parasite found in mountain streams and rivers during run-off. It enters the ecosystem via the daily deposits of herd animals, angry at the current pecking order and at the human race in general. They blame most of their ills on people and are quite religious in their output capacities.
Symptoms of the dreaded illness include headaches, cramps, diarrhea, fever and other unpleasantness not conducive living the good life.
According to people in physicians’ outfits at Makhachkala Research Institute, juniper-distilled gin acts as a deterrent to the aims of the parasite, often rendering both the intruder, and the host, babbling fools. It is at that exact point that the human body’s red corpuscles kick into fourth gear and effectively exorcise the freeloader from the system. Once extracted he is shunned by fellow parasites and must leave town.
“It’s a lot like watching drunks get thrown out of the bar on Bonanza or Gunsmoke,” said one physician whose only exposure to American culture is through the television set in the emergency room at a local hospital. “It is both an educational and a rewarding sight to behold.”
The researchers went on to warn that the regular abuse of gin could invite other problems such as ulcers, blindness and premature senility, but that this is not likely.
“Just be certain that the gin is iced down properly and served with a minuscule splash of vermouth for proper digestion,” continued the press release. “An olive or two would be of great value as well,” it said.
One local doctor called the entire concept of gin curing giardia “nothing but poppycock” yet was quick to add that if someone was already taking this prescribed medication they would be well advised to complete the treatment.
– Rex Monteleone
“I remember when Cripple Creek and Central City were nice places.” – Susie Compost
