All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Reporter Missing After Rum Commercial
(Port-of-Spain, Trinidad—December 12. 2014) Arbitrary tourist and heralded scribe, Mel Toole, is still listed as missing after a three-day filming of a local rum advertisement. The filming, which began Thursday, featured several Americans, including Toole, swilling large quantities of the local hooch under the tropical sun.
“After about thirty takes we noticed the talent was getting a bit weary,” said director Avery “Rock” Parvenu, who claims to have once worked with Oliver Stone. “Then Toole simply vanished.”
The missing subject, 119, still carries a legitimate Colorado driver’s license. It is feared that he may have rented a car and attempted to drive back home. Police are combing all Caribbean ports along the way.
“If he’s on his way home, he’s probably easy enough to detect since he always drives on the wrong side of the road,” said sister Belle Toole, who left her job at a Thornton slaughterhouse to rush to her brother’s relief.
“I don’t know how many times I’ve pleaded with him to stay in his trailer,” she whined.
Toole is a retired circus performer who, among other accomplishments, once ate thirty live chickens in less than an hour and later almost jumped the Black Canyon in a mini van.
Velcro Foods Hit Market
Special to the Ouray Pigeon — December 12, 2014
Move over GMOs. An enterprising food brokerage in Malfunction has successfully produced edible Velcro that will be employed to improve a multitude of products already available to consumers.
Mesa Foods, a division of Carnivore Guru America, has reportedly perfected a long existing biodegradable substance that, when sprayed on burritos, omelets and burgers will help them sty together during the often tedious process that runs full circle from hand to mouth. The yet unnamed and secret material, akin to stickem and other organic adhesives has been tested on mice, monkeys and right-wing Republicans since last March.
“The results were conclusive,” said Efram Pennywhistle a recognized foodophile. “The animals had no trouble keeping their entrees together.”
Appearing at a supermarket opening in Mack Pennywhistle told an attentive audience that the future holds many surprises in mass marketing and bothersome packaging, which will feature lower-grade Velcro as well as artificial flavors, color and aroma.
“The big boys could give a rat’s ass about the comfort and health of the average shopper,” laughed Pennywhistle. “All this showmanship is there to satisfy legalities and protect them from blowback when they kill someone. All the warnings in the world will not bring back common sense. All the safety regulations will not make people safer.”
Mesa intends to delve into the mysterious world of food sculpture embracing troublesome creations such as crepes and onion soup. After initial tests these and other often-troublesome menu leaders will become staples in the American diet thanks to the application of enlightened chemical therapy.
“These foods will do more than stick to your ribs,” said Pennywhistle. “They will help the body grow new ribs.” – Arthur Choke
“Trace” Defined by State Ski Concern
(Monarch Pass— December 12, 2014) The ski industry today has made further commitments to end abuses in daily snow reports by defining the term “trace”. In a bitter internal investigation, both the Brotherhood of Snow Makers and the Utah Defamation League have agreed to set standards for further use of this and other long employed lexicons.
“According to the present jargon, “trace” has been determined to be measurable accumulation over .016588 of an inch,” said Amanda Bumpe, a former French calendar model, turned telemarker after the Bosnian conflict. “That benchmark is easily determined by multiplying the current acceptable blood alcohol level for motorists by the number of skier days in a week. That figure,” she continued, “is then subject to at least eight percent tax and freeze dried according to rigid USDA requirements.”
A ski industry spokesman welcomed the determination, saying that it will help offset the cost of purchasing white gold from the Russian Black Market, which has a reputation for short cords. A major agreement is pending which would send a growing surplus of Colorado realtors to the former Soviet Union in return for snow futures.
“Anyone ignoring our criterion when estimating snowfall is nothing short of a damned liar,” said Bumpe.
Local Preacher Warns of “Diseased Currency”
(Elysian Fields, Colorado – Nov 28, 2014) Local evangelist Leroy Sainte continues to warn residents of this tranquil seaside village about life threatening maladies carried by $50 and $100 bills. The reverend contends that the U.S. currency harbors communicable diseases that are almost always fatal. He suggests that the faithful, and anyone else interested in surviving the fiscal epidemic, hand over the tainted dough to the Blinding Light First Backwards Church before it is too late. The bulk of the collected funds will be stored in the glove compartment of Sainte’s recently purchased Cadillac sedan until an antidote can be developed. Rev. Sainte reminds his flock that the entire experience is tax deductible.
Chimp Kicks 90 Yard Punts
(Nairobi, Kenya, November 28, 2014)) Alfonsie the Chimp is bucking for a spot on an NFL squad this season. The gifted monkey has been booming outrageous punts on both the practice field and in games during his tenure at Primate State, a span of over three years.
Back in 2013, he punted a football all the way across Seychelles, a 451 square kilometer island off the coast of Madagascar. Then just last September he boomed another gargantuan kick halfway across Gambia (10,380 square kilometers). His recent barrage includes punts of 89. 93, 90 and 88 respectively. A walk-on in 2011, he was first considered a place kicker.
“The kid can kick 70-yard field goals pretty consistently,” said trainer Kunta “Little Richard” Wahlahey, “but his punts are tremendous. They have an almost magical quality to them. Ask anyone who has watched Alfonsie and they will tell you.”
Wahlahey added that the chimp’s potential is infinite and that he just got serious about his footwork while playing futbol/soccer as a schoolboy at Swinging Vine Academy in his home country of Tanzania.
“Playing football is way better than living as just another attraction at some zoo or circus,” said Wahlahey, himself a retired high-wire artist. “Traditionally chimps have been limited in scope to these types of employment. I know monkeys and the instinctive bad anger raps, tantrums and destructive tendencies will subside with a fair wage established.”
Alfonsie is entertaining several offers to try out with an assortment of NFL and CFL teams next spring. His size and testy disposition withstanding he’s got a good shot at sticking with someone say experts.
“How the little fella gets that much projection and hang time is beyond football imagination,” continued Wahlahey. “He can boot the ball even farther without shoulder pads and a helmet weighing him down.”
After what promises to be a successful stint as a professional, Alfonsie would like to return to his native Africa to coach American football and wrestling at the high school level. – Sparky Sparrow
Pen Pal Murderer Released
(Special to the San Juan Horseshoe – Nov 28, 2014)
A jury decided in favor of leniency today in the case of Darrel Ducktape, a former convict accused of killing his pen pal. In a unanimous vote the 11 man, 1 woman panel recommended that Ducktape be freed due to “cruel and unusual falsehoods blatantly repeated within an aggravated state of affairs”.
Tears flowed freely in the quartroom as the defendant gave his account of the tragedy.
“I had begun to correspond with Irm (Peawit) in 1989 after she sent me a photograph,” cried Ducktape. “All the time I thought I was writing to this lovely fox, but the picture was really that of her cousin, Molly. When I was paroled I went to Eureka to pay her a surprise visit only to meet the real Irm Peawit who was bald, older than me and 30 pounds overweight. She had lied to me. I lost my head,” he sobbed.
On a lighter note, Molly Peawit and Ducktape, who met during the proceedings, plan December nuptials. -Warren of Wexley
