All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Bert and Ernie win Senate seats

Special to That Funny newspaper in Colona — November 13, 2014

(Denver) Comedians Bert and Ernie (no last names given) spent their first day as members of the Colorado State Senate today listening intently to arguments for and against everything from rifles to molybdenum.
At noon they broke for a gourmet lunch of cookies and milk.
During the afternoon session, Bert told his fellow legislators that he was happy to be a part of such an esteemed assemblage. He further pledged to bring winning football back to the University of Colorado. Ernie made no speech, preferring to giggle away the afternoon with fellow senator Kermit the Frog’s squeeze, Miss Piggy, in the gallery.
After the legislature recessed for the day, Bert and Ernie went home and went to bed.

Kitty, Rover Top Pet Names in 2014

From Fuzzy Little Pet Updates — November 13, 2014
(Wimpton) Kitty and Rover were once again the most popular pet names for 2014. A survey conducted nationwide showed that of the 8000 polled 3011 chose to name their cat “Rover” while some 4708 chose to call their dog “Kitty”. Coming in second was the name Polly for cats and Trigger for dogs with 978 and 713 respectively. The survey error quotient was between 100 and 1000. – Dag Katz

Voters sold for scrap after elections

Baby Boom International – November 13, 2014
(Washington) Politicians will mercilessly discard a high percentage of voters after the November elections. Seen as unnecessary baggage and in some cases a liability to business as usual negotiations, the used electors will be sold as scrap.
The move is being lauded on both sides of the millionaire’s aisle. Republicans see it as a cost cutting initiative while Democrats see it as a chance to recycle old issues on a person-to-person basis. Both parties have grown tired of reiterating their views each campaign, and see the development as a breath of fresh air.
“We’d all like to start over with a new crop of voters who have yet to buy our bullshit,” quipped one representative. “Then we can chant our propaganda without surprises coming in from the back door.”
Several countries have committed to purchasing these forlorn voters (not votes this time around) in bulk. China, India and Indonesia have begun the process even though they now have the highest populations on earth.
It is apparent that the scrap would not function in a human manner once the transfer is complete. Most uninformed American voters and those not familiar with the basic issues are at risk to be put on the selling block. This category includes those who obtain their news accounts from only one source. People who vote by party because their father did, people who vote based on one issue and people who don’t cast an educated vote are at risk.
The percentage of Americans not paying attention to the democratic process as well as those willing to sell their rights down the river will be the first to go. Already dirty, rusty transport ships are docking in New York and San Francisco. Bon voyage babies. – Kashmir Horseshoe

Perfect Fall Photo

The ultimate fall day a few lens clicks south of Ohio Pass in Gunnison County. (Copyright – Kevin Haley)

Obama Cans Everyone

(Washington—October 26, 2014) An irritate Barack Obama today fired everyone employed by the federal government. Saying he was “accepting resignations through the 20th” the President gave no other specific reason for the action, which many are calling “severe”.
“It’s nothing more than a cheap cost cutting move prior to elections,” said First Lady, Michelle Obama. “I wouldn’t pay a lot of attention to it if I were you.”
Still desks were to be cleaned out by the deadline of 4 pm. Former employees could risk losing pensions and other payments that they will now not receive, if they are not cooperative in the conclusion of federal business.
White House press secretary Josh Earnest says, “That’s a crock. It’s cheaper to put them on unemployment compensation than pay them and buy toilet paper too.”
How the government will function following the dismissals was anyone’s guess at news time. Obama was not in his office this morning and was not returning phone calls. According to close friends he was playing baskeball.
Many world leaders expressed shock at the shutdown while others congratulated Obama for landing a blow on the big red nose of world bureaucracy.
Far-reaching ramifications of the closure include the loss of government and bank services and the well-documented Flight of the Lobbyists, an apocalyptic march to the gates of Hades. – Q. Maxwell DeLeone

Missing hunters rescued

—Ridgway, CO October 26, 2014— Two Texas hunters, lost on Miller Mesa, were airlifted to a local hospital this morning and appear to be in good shape. The unidentified woodsmen said they became disoriented while tracking a large elk or moose through a remote and exposed section of cliffs in the Uncompahgre National Forest above on the way up Hayden Peak.
Difficult terrain, bad weather and lack of ample provisions contributed to the problem.
Relatives were ecstatic at the news and plan a welcome home party for the flatlanders next week.
Doctors at St Roscoe’s Memorial Hospital told news sources that the men were fine considering the lengthy ordeal. They are expected to be released tomorrow. The two had not been seen since they wandered off into the Mount Sneffels Wilderness in search of game in October of 1954.