Velcro Foods Hit Market

Special to the Ouray Pigeon — December 12, 2014
Move over GMOs. An enterprising food brokerage in Malfunction has successfully produced edible Velcro that will be employed to improve a multitude of products already available to consumers.
Mesa Foods, a division of Carnivore Guru America, has reportedly perfected a long existing biodegradable substance that, when sprayed on burritos, omelets and burgers will help them sty together during the often tedious process that runs full circle from hand to mouth. The yet unnamed and secret material, akin to stickem and other organic adhesives has been tested on mice, monkeys and right-wing Republicans since last March.
“The results were conclusive,” said Efram Pennywhistle a recognized foodophile. “The animals had no trouble keeping their entrees together.”
Appearing at a supermarket opening in Mack Pennywhistle told an attentive audience that the future holds many surprises in mass marketing and bothersome packaging, which will feature lower-grade Velcro as well as artificial flavors, color and aroma.
“The big boys could give a rat’s ass about the comfort and health of the average shopper,” laughed Pennywhistle. “All this showmanship is there to satisfy legalities and protect them from blowback when they kill someone. All the warnings in the world will not bring back common sense. All the safety regulations will not make people safer.”
Mesa intends to delve into the mysterious world of food sculpture embracing troublesome creations such as crepes and onion soup. After initial tests these and other often-troublesome menu leaders will become staples in the American diet thanks to the application of enlightened chemical therapy.
“These foods will do more than stick to your ribs,” said Pennywhistle. “They will help the body grow new ribs.” – Arthur Choke