Author Archive for M. Toole
AVALANCHE BOLTING RESULTS
February 4, 2013
Grif Gnat Powder Bowl, Utah
Toole 7:333.7. Only finish.
Summer Seed Foursomes, Alberta
Toole 5:224.9; Toole 5:223.8;
Toole 5:198.6; Toole 4:996.8
Eversore, Montana
Toole 5:933.8
Mud Meadows,Montana
Toole in the lead at 5:119.3
Cracked Corn Snow Bowl, CO
Toole 5:299.4
Figures compliments of Runner’s World
and Spatula Pavement Inc.
For more Sports see the
2013 Major League Baseball predictions
on the Financial Page.
Depressants Hailed as Miracle Drug
(Trenchtown) The ever-vigil pharmaceutical industry has developed a new product aimed at counteracting to effects of anti-depressant drug therapy. The breakthrough pill, dubbed the depressant, has been heralded as the antidote for people who are getting too high, and feeling too good on anti-depressant medications.
Considering the high percentage of people currently ingesting happy pills, the depressant formula should provide a stopgap remedy for too much false happiness, as well as major profits for the manufacturer.
A stark black capsule, aimed at neutralizing the effects of the first medication would replace the bright, shiny blue or yellow anti-depressant pill. Experts say the benefits could be seen almost immediately.
Research on the depressant has been ongoing due to the increase in anti-depressant use and the perceived need to bring the patient back to normal before real therapy can run its course. It has been conducted in secret so as not to alarm the pill popping public.
“In 90% of our test cases we have found that the new drug works great,” said one researcher. “How can we expect people to achieve true happiness when they are popping attitude adjustment bombers every day? After a few weeks they have lost all that is instinctual. They don’t know how to react to the positives and negatives of daily life.”
An industry spokesman said the long-awaited anti-addiction pill, aimed at helping people get off all medication is still in the works.
“We want to develop a daily medication to help our clients come down or go up depending on what drug has been prescribed,” she said. “Then we can begin the entire process again for the next batch of those who suffer from either malady. We have mastered the mood alteration technology. Now it’s just a matter of watching how it stacks up against the ledger sheet.” – Alfalfa Romero
FEDS MOVE TO CUT MEAT SUPPLY
(Omaha) The United States gov’ment today announced plans to cut meat supplies in an attempt to lower the nation’s consumption of a food known to make people more aggressive.
The program, which identified carnivores as the culprits in most of the violent acts committed here, strongly suggests that meat control is overdue. Supporters of the move in Congress insist that people don’t need red meat everyday to survive.
“It’s one thing to possess enough red meat to protect oneself from protein deficiency but another matter when people’s freezers are filled to the brink with high-powered roasts and multi-clip flank steaks,” say the legislators.
Sources in Washington confide that while the gov’ment seeks to protect the personal rights of its citizens, as laid out in the Constitution and Bill of Rights, there are gaping holes between personal freedoms and burgeoning anarchy.
“We must tighten controls on meat laws and be sure that all meat owners/eaters are registered,” said voices in the above group. “That means a more responsible meat lobby, zero tolerance red flagging of felons and better record keeping at meat shows and in butcher shops across the country.”
Critics say that with its poor track record the gov’ment should not run anything except clocks, solar power, ferris wheels and downtown buses (the latter being questionable).
Many feel that if the gov’ment gets a foot in the door with regards to meat control now, future leaders may try to take the measure farther down the road, threatening their choice cuts. They say a well stocked freezer is a deterrent to an assortment of threats from within and without.
“In Europe they don’t eat as much meat and they have problems too,” said a meat advocate. “In South America people eat meat at every sitting if they can afford it and, with the exception of Colombia, Peru, Brazil, Argentina, Paraguay and Venezuela, violence has remained minimal.”
Despite warnings of further crackdowns, meat sales are keeping pace with weapons sales in 2013.
“We need tenderloin answers here and the feds throw us a bone,” stressed militant vegetarians gathered outside the White House this morning. “Meat is worshiped here and in many places around the world. We don’t see much changing with a lot of new gov’ment regulations. It’s all whitewashing on the cake.”
Still others have a different perspective.
“Meat is not the problem,” say slave-wage child care workers camped in the capital, objecting to further cuts in federal funding for mental hospitals. The mental health of our nation is at the rotten core. Professional psychiatric help is only available for the rich and for those who are really off the wagon. The needs of those in the middle are ignored as state and local governments do not budget funds to successfully fight these explosive problems.
“Our modern world is manic and we are in denial,” said one psychologist accompanying the protesting workers. There is no reason for Americans to assault a piece of red meat at every sitting, is there?”
“Our culture has become non-responsive to the people who created it in the first place. Mechanized robots and consumer zombies will not benefit from analysis. Yet fitting in too well in a society gone mad speaks volumes as to the sanity level of our citizens,” she continued. In short, she gasped, if we outlaw meat only outlaws will have it.”
“If you don’t believe the country is nuts just hang around a Wal-Mart parking lot, watch TV or listen to the right and left banter over our Dunkin’ Donuts mornings and Bud Lite afternoons,” she said. “Americans have come to accept all kinds of phony replacements for what was once real life. We expect simulated red meat to make its entrance if it hasn’t already.”
Ugly rumors that the gov’ment will also seek to cut testosterone levels was not confirmed at press time. Reacting to stats indicating that male violence accounts for 95% of the world’s woes, the feds see this maneuver as the number one objective.
Meanwhile a nation-wide bovine hunger strike creeps into its third day with cows refusing lunch and dinner until ranchers “get a little more creative with the pasture cuisine”. It is not clear if these developments are related in any way.
– Tommy Middlefinger
Leftover Holiday Perfumes Shipped to China
(New Jork) Bottles and bottles of perfume are bound for China as part of a Franco-American trade deficit sanction aimed at warming over recently chilled U.S.-Sino relations. The perfume, unsold in Europe and the United States during the hyped up holiday romance campaigns, has an eternal shelf life and most industry sources feel its time to upload the stuff.
Officials in the United States, the country seen as the biggest beneficiary of the arrangement told reporters that “without the French we could never pull this off.” The Socialist government in Paris had little comment but implied that the move would dispel fears that the French had become a pawn of Peking.
The aromatic cargo is expected to arrive in Shanghai sometime in February in time for Valentine’s Day, which is only beginning to be celebrated on the mainland. The average Chinese worker has not been able to afford this olfactory luxury up until now but the discount prices have changed all of that. Government sources say that 90% of the scent is already sold.
“They believe that the perfume has aphrodisiac properties and, like rhino horn and grasshopper spittle encourages virility in males and females,” smiled Arlo Wangzee, importer of the smelly liquid in pretty bottles. Maybe we have found something here,” he continued. “We can produce gallons of perfume for very little and then sell it to the Chinese at a tremendous profit.”
Wangzee added that if the Chinese become addicted to perfume strains (see Opium Wars) the deficit could come down in a big hurry. He warned of a violent reaction on the part of the new customers if they feel they are being duped (see Boxer Rebellion).
The FRench and U.S. ships carrying the perfume are expected to stopover in Hawaii where bottles will be passed out to locals and then pause for rest and relaxation in Guam where it is hoped that the perfume samples will ease the tedious boredom on the island.
“We need to get a leg up on all this trade nonsense before China owns the Statue of Liberty and the Golden Gate Bridge too,” stressed Wangzee, himself a second-generation American from Nanking.
The beauty of perfume as a balanced commodity is that it does not harvest endangered species to create sexual enhancement products. The scents are nothing new and perfume can be made easily and cheaply in large or small quantities.
Madison Avenue, the White House, Fox News and an assortment of chambers of commerce are taking credit for this breakthrough in trade relations with the Asian giant.
“What’s wrong with a woman from Hunan smelling nice?” asked Wangzee.
– Gabby Haze
Wood Nymphs Need Winter Clothing
(Gunnison) Some four hundred wood nymphs that call the Gunnison Valley home are in dire straits due to the lack of warm clothing it was disclosed today. Despite the waning winter, the often decadent nymphs remain at risk due to nighttime temperatures dipping down to well below freezing. Flimsy, worn out wardrobes, lack of firewood and dwindling food supplies further complicate this grave matter.
The nymphs, usually associated with mid-summer evenings and erotic flings which such notables as Pan and Bacchus, are out of their element when the cold winds blow. Experts are in dismay as to why the nymphs don’t simply fly south and avoid the weather.
“Not only are these nymphs procrastinators but they are damn stubborn too,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, Director of Faeries and Wild Things at Western State Colorado University here. “They are all a bunch of slackers. They love to watch us from the cover of the forest and are obsessed with the doings of humans, yet run away when approached.”
The nymphs, descendants of fallen angels and immigrant pucas, have been the object of male curiosity since the 1800s. Rarely seen except on perfect summer evenings, the nymphs have seen their numbers depleted over the past 50 years due to pollution and human expansion.
“If you are lucky enough to see one of these faeries avoid obvious flirtation and do not attempt to catch one since they will not survive in captivity,” said Pennywhistle.
Anyone interested in donating cold weather gear and clothing should bring it to the WSCU campus clearly marked For The Wood Nymphs so that it doesn’t fall into the hands of fashion conscious students or other less needy segments of society. Keep in mind that loose fitting garments work best since they more effectively account for wing span and layering.
– Sergio Jingles
Missionaries Leave Africa Headed for US Shores
(Dakar, Senegal) Troops of missionaries representing a host of primitive faiths have left Africa and are expected to arrive in the United States on Friday. The Pagans, many who decree the philosophy of animism as the source of all truth, will then begin the tedious work of conversion.
This is the first time that Third World evangelists have attempted to persuade more civilized peoples to adopt their naturalist approach to the eternal questions of life, death and spirit. In a departure from the Western practice of buying spiritual recruits with food and trinkets, these missionaries will rely entirely on good faith and good example to bring in the sheep.
“Turnabout is fair play,” said Mangrove Kariba. “You people have been landing missionaries on our soil since the slave hunters arrived and again during the time of colonization back in the 19th Century. Your churches are here, you have your followers. We just hope to preserve the balance by taking a more aggressive approach to our religious being,” he said. “In short we hope to maintain the status quo.”
Kariba said that between the Christians and the Muslims alone they have at least 20,000 sales reps engaged in preaching around the continent, and that figure does not account for the 2000 Moonies who have come over to the pagan side in recent months.
“What ever made them think we wanted to change religions?” asked Kariba. “Ours is perfectly fine and we’ve had it now for over 3000 years. “We see what the sun does for us and thank the sun. We petition the skies for rain and thank the gods of nature. When we kill for food we thank the spirit that is in the prey. Life manifests life.”
Many American missionaries are compelled to save these same heathens, who they insist are “stone-age” in their metaphysical development.
“We finally get to the point of inducement and they start with all the transmigration of the soul crap,” said Dianne Dactic, a veteran missionary, who has visited the four corners of the world in attempt to install her beliefs. “Most people don’t understand what we’re up against. They have all these ceremonies and dances, none of which are mentioned in the Bible. Imagine the Prophet Abraham with a bone in his nose. Besides, a lot of these people live in drafty mud huts and dress, well, scandalously at best.”
The foreign missionaries set an objective of 100,000 new converts in the U.S.. Sources within that righteous assembly say they may have to remain on the road until 2030 to reach that goal.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
