Author Archive for M. Toole
Mideast Earthquake Could Seal Peace
(Tel Aviv) A major earthquake, which has completely severed large chunks of Palestine from Israel, may be the first real step toward lasting peace in the region. According to scientists on the scene, volcanic action centered some 150 miles out in the Mediterranean Sea has completely manipulated geologic faults from Syria to Egypt.
As seismic information becomes available it appears that the West Bank and Gaza, two locations of extreme dispute since 1948, have been surgically removed from Asia Minor and are now floating out toward Cyprus taking millions of Palestinians for the ride of their lives. While some are in shock as to the acute transformation others see it as the best chance for a distinct homeland, apart from Israel.
Although many of the uprooted populace still works in Israel, most feel the space will alleviate pressure and allow the peace process to thrive. Many view the break as a chance to create a new economy and solve chronic problems such as burgeoning refugee camps and intrusions by what was once their powerful neighbor to the west.
“We are not taking responsibility for any faults associated with our methods of diplomacy,” said a spokeswoman for the Palestinian Chamber of Commerce in Gaza City. “Our weekly karaoke and the kosher barbecues were a step in the right direction, but only in a cultural sense. Politically we were still enemies even though we were singing and eating together, and getting to know each other on a personal basis. The complete geologic break may be just what we needed. Only time will tell.”
– Melvin Toole
Canned Laughter Pulled From Shelves
(Ridgway) Grocery stores and supermarkets will begin pulling canned laughter from their shelves Monday as part of the Federal Uniformity Act, passed late last night.
The presence of the canned laughter, once considered an integral part of Americana, has been determined to be far too diverse for the consumer. The mandatory removal will be followed up by the release of more uniform entertainment response apparatus aimed at making the citizenry more alert to the dangers posed by foreign comics and those who seek to bring down the present gov’ment.
“It’s all about perception,” said one grocer who supports the effort. “We still have frozen chuckles and freeze-dried smirks for the die-hard. We’d like to see a populace who could decide when to laugh and what to laugh about. Isn’t that the core of Democracy?”
Persons hoping to stockpile canned laughter for the winter have until the weekend to do so. Quantities are limited. – Melvin Toole
Mountain Gigolo Ring Broken
(Crested Butte) A sex for money operation spanning five counties has been brought to its knees this week thanks to some dandy undercover work by local vice squads. The ring, a classic escort venture, is said to involve more than 30 men between the ages of 55 and 65 who allegedly prey on unsuspecting women in their twenties. Some members of this illicit cartel are reportedly engaged in all forms of gov’ment and commerce including trash pickup and news reporting.
“These disreputable scalawags were making a killing before we moved in,” said one vice officer all the ay from the Bland Valley. “Imagine seducing beautiful young women with gray-headed charm for profit. How sick.”
The officer smiled when asked why he was in Gunnison County fighting the “optional unchaste” when the meth-amphetamine epidemic rages in the low “red state” areas of the region, saying only “That’s how puritanism works.”
The ring looks to have been most active in Third World ski resorts.
“Many of our most wanted felons have vamoosed and are now living under the protection of business associate in South America and Utah where these kind of problems are settled on the local level.
“Many of these desperate creatures have engaged in these behaviors due to some twisted belief that they needed the money to retire to the suburbs and live in baited communities where they could fish everyday,” said one local woman who is credited with blowing the initial whistle on the ring.
Despite the year-long investigation none of the law enforcement personnel involved can verify any complaints on the part of the targeted clientele.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
READING COMPREHENSION #611:
The following is a short test of one’s ability to understand and analyze prose.
READ THIS SEGMENT ONLY ONCE OR
FACE DISQUALIFICATION AND FORFEIT ALL PRIZE MONEY!
A bear and a rabbit sat on a log deep in the forest. The bear felt a great bowel movement coming on but was out of toilet paper. He turned to the rabbit and asked, “Do you have problems with things sticking to your fur?”
The suspicious rabbit asked why and then scurried away leaving the bear to his own devices, which most likely would have been a bush or some bark. The angry bear muttered, “You just can’t count on those damn rabbits when you need them.”
a.) What did the bear mean by things?
b.) Are bears really all that concerned with personal hygiene?
c.) What happens if a bear, or other hibernating mammal has to go in the middle of the winter?
d.) Do rabbits and bears actually converse?
e.) Would the bear had been better off just grabbing the rabbit, without all the chatter?
Send your answers to Wabbit Editor, San Juan Horseshoe, Box 1209 Ouray, CO 81427. If we use your response on our site we’ll give you a free subscription, a free T-shirt and a free roll of toilet paper. No phone calls please.
JEEP TO RECALL TWO MILLION CHEROKEES
(Oklahoma City) The Jeep Corporation today confirmed wild rumors that it would recall more than two million Cherokees over the next few months. The reason for the move centers on a highly efficient and intricate smoke signal system perfected here. The recall, if approved, will affect almost 60% of the entire tribe. Sources on the reservation say the Cherokee Nation has yet to blink in the face of the rich and powerful auto maker.
The smoke system will replace the 2012-2013 Owner’s Manual which even executives at Jeep agree “sucks”.
“I didn’t know we had that many Cherokees,” said Walt Gladstone of Silverton Used Cars. Considering all that Manifold destiny business that went down in the 19th Century the statistic is amazing. Most of us around here figured that after all the broken treaties by the White folks there wouldn’t be enough Cherokees left to field a baseball team.”
Most in the Cherokee Nation expressed anger and resentment when told of the program.
“Just because some corporation is handing out free bus tickets doesn’t mean any of us is going anywhere,” said Jules Littlehead, a Cherokee chief currently living back in North Carolina.”We don’t have to cooperate with this, yet another insult from our white brothers”.
Meanwhile lobbyists for Jeep have petitioned their friends in the federal gov’ment to intercede on their behalf. Plans to cut off the Cherokee trusts and limit water rights are already under advisement at executive levels.
But the Cherokee aren’t taking this matter lightly. Members of other tribes have been consulted and have offered support.
“It was horrible that the cavalry burned our villages and destroyed our culture. Then they named their streets and shopping malls after us,” said Littlehead. Later it was their cars. If we didn’t have all this oil sitting under the reservation we’d all move to Canada.”
A spokesman for Jeep assured the tribe that its people would not be detained for long and would be back home in Oklahoma soon.
“Even our license plates boast pride in Native America,” he rasped. “You can trust us.”
Oklahoma car license plates feature the slogan : Native America even though all of these “happy and contented Native Americans” were forced to go there to live on reservations in the 19th Century.
Executives at Jeep have promised blankets, meat and medicine to any Cherokee who turns himself in before Christmas. – Kashmir Horseshoe
Pharmacy Front for Drugs
(Mañana, CO) The mega-corporate My Mañana Pharmacy was closed this morning after a police raid allegedly netted drugs in the building. The forced closure came as a surprise to employees who arrived at work and were immediately apprehended for questioning. The working pharmacist, 65-year-old Dr Efram Pennywhistle, expressed shock and disgust at the development.
“We are not a front for anything,” he said. “Sure we sell a lot of sunglasses, postcards and tourist junk but our primary purpose is to provide pharmaceuticals for out customers. We are legal.”
Although the business remains closed today, police say that there may have been a misunderstanding in that the Mañana Pharmacy was confused with the many mom and pop marijuana distribution centers that have flooded the town since December.
My Mañana has filed a formal protest for the interruption of commerce and harassment.
“They don’t want mega-chain stores here,” said Pennywhistle. “We don’t sell marijuana,”
– Peg Legge O’Sullivan
