ST. ROSCOE APPEARS TO WAL-MART SHOPPERS

(Montrose) The patron of excessive consumerism, St. Roscoe of Mesquite, reportedly appeared to several hundred Wal-Mart enthusiasts as they blindly left the outlet Friday. The change of season generates colossal throngs of witless vendees and countless millions of dollars for the Arkansas- based discount house as mindless shopping herds get ready for summer.

St. Roscoe urged the faithful to spend more money, often physically pushing some of the fringe element back into the store. He assured late arrivals and the uninitiated that they would be rewarded for spending right up to the limit on their credit cards.

“It’s all fine and dandy to spend card money on items marked down from the regular price,” proclaimed St. Roscoe.

The last documented sighting of the consumer saint occurred two years ago when St. Roscoe appeared to a contingent of gamblers enjoying the new casinos in Cripple Creek. That time he showed up in a powder blue leisure suit and white loafers. This latest visit featured Roscoe in a more subtle getup characterized by a plumed top hat made in Canada, Palestinian fatigues and beaded moccasins made in Taiwan. This ensemble was underscored by green and white Dutch argyle socks and a snappy Mexican bolo tie presented to Roscoe by the now disgraced  governor of Sonora in 1983. A crisp, silk Parisian cape complimented the entire costume emphasizing the saint’s loyalty to mass marketing and lip service to products made in the U.S.A.

“The frugal shall inherit the earth while the spendthrift shall enter the Kingdom of Mass Merchandizing,” wailed Roscoe from his new found perch above a line of shopping carts. Give Caesar what is Caesar’s and give Wal-Mart the rest.”

The saint then used a fender-bender as a diversion, stole a 1979 Ford station wagon from the parking lot and headed off toward Gunnison. He has not been seen since.

TOOLE APPOINTED TO HIGHWAY PANEL

(Naco) Newspaper legend Melvin Toole has apparently been appointed top dog of the Sonoran Highway Commission for 1994. Toole will reportedly be responsible for highway improvements, maintenance and traffic flow until a suitable replacement can be found.

Readers may recall that it was the maverick Toole who took on Tamil rebels to chip and seal most of Sri Lanka in 1987. In 1989 he headed a ragamuffin battery of anarchists who succeeded in painting yellow lines all over the Alaskan Highway as far north as Haines Junction. It was for this feat that Toole was given the Chickaloon Star by Exxon Oil Company.

Toole angrily denied rumors that he would fill all chuckholes from Agua Prieta to Guaymas saying that he would first consult his astrological chart.

“If the stars are not aligned in our favor we will do nothing at this time,” explained Toole. “Besides, if we remove the chuckholes we change the very nature of the highway. If it weren’t for the chuckholes motorists couldn’t tell if they were on the road or off it!”