Placerville Resident Wins Slugman Prize

First printed in Slow Newsday – Norwood, CO — April 25, 2015)

A ninety-five-year-old sheepherder, Melvin Toole, is the recipient of the coveted Slugman Award for 2014. The annual trophy and cash honor is bestowed on the person who most exhibits the positive attributes and measured metabolism of the slug (slugosis lethargopolis).
This national decoration first appeared following World War II as a working citizen citation and crept into prominence within a range of terrestrial gastropod mollusks of the genus Limex and related genera, s one might well imagine.
The most recent winner edged out all of the competition, challenging a standing world record for idleness – 15 hours and 39 minutes without so much as a wiggle or a twitch. Participants in this particular match were disqualified for falling to sleep or if they react in any way to the barrage of outside (often insulting) stimuli flung by a taunting ski crowd from behind the yellow police barriers.
Toole had no comment at the conclusion of the proceedings. His hobbies include breathing, staring at traffic and watching television.