Cosmo’s Stellar Astrograph

The following star chart, as accurate as any other silly horoscope that one may encounter, is meant only as worthless entertainment and not an astral guide. If our frank, candid appraisal of your future is bitter or seemingly insensitive consider for a moment that this is February and we are desperately attempting to get our many houses in order for spring cleaning. We will attempt to be kinder, far more compassionate soothsayers after the passing of what we used to call mud season.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Stop collecting aluminum cans. There are souls to be saved before the dawn. Only 49% of aluminum is actual aluminum while souls are lighter and easier to store. Exposure to the mundane will make your own life seem more eventful. Use your imagination as a door stop. Go to sleep early tonight so as to avoid insomnia. Nipping at the heels of the mainstream may result in you being left toothless for the next wave of barbarians. Avoid general assimilation especially if you are not familiar with its long range affects. Tonight: Spend time under water.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Watermelon dawns could bring on exotic afternoons and seedy evenings. Encourage humidity. Practice squinting. The dog has run off with the town cat, the litter box is full of junk mail and your pet hamsters are in open revolt. Take them all to the pound. Recycle personal debts. If you can’t be seaside at least spend quality time at the fish market. Examine the practical applications of physics in your romantic life. Isn’t it time you memorize your multiplication tables, and that says nothing of the chairs.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Open your mind but keep a fine screen in place over such apertures. Choose your vices carefully and lead by dangling limited charms. Let life evolve, not dissolve. Let a pile be your umbrella. People will buy you rounds of drinks in the morning. It’s during the mid-afternoon lull that you must embrace reality. Switch to oleo in early morning solitude. Barbara Streisand will phone you in reference to your latest postings on kosher gargling techniques.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

While canned foods appear to be your salvation it is the perishables that will prove clear headed at moments of rapaciousness. Look through the mirror and all that makeup will seem inappropriate. Are there really suburbs in outer space? Who will step forward and compensate the eager innkeeper for these last barrages of intoxicants. It is not I, your less than noble kinsman, Basanio. Eleventh hour heroes are ineffective in conflicts surrounding the dinner table. An army travels on its stomach. Breathing through one’s naval could net a dandy commission in the height of battle.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Squirrels are your equals, your colleagues, your peers.   Do not go near the barber until he’s had a shot or two. That razor-sharp wit of yours could be cut down to size in the padded, swirling furniture of personal hygiene. Recognize challenges and flee. You will attend a loud breakfast meeting followed by an annoying journey through lands so flat even your horizons are looking good. Curiosity didn’t kill the cat. It was hair balls. Do your part to pollute the planet. Tonight: A chainsaw speaks louder than words.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Wander only the best sections of town. If you are looking for Lady Luck and/or Mr. Gumbo skim over the RV parks. Take long breaks during labors of the mind and short ones during labors of the flesh. Every six minutes is a good rule of thumb. Stress is harmless just as long as it is someone else experiencing the trauma. If you are a vegetarian EAT THIS PAPER! You’re in cattle country, pard. Shine your shoes. A picky Venus enters your third dimension. During this new cycle of love and intimacy be sure that someone volunteers to take out the garbage. Succumb to the pleasures of true adventure while the blinking light reads “Walk”.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Sure, that last charge was ineffective but I think the Visigoths are growing tired. There is less responsibility in being the mouse than there is in being the cat. Don’t even worry about being the dog. It’s always better to be eaten alive than to be saved as bait for some future debauchery. Quit complaining: Imagine what it’s like for your bathroom in the morning. Hope reigns eternal. It’s faith that keeps taking all the direct hits. Penetrating conflicts will emerge as rivers of milk and honey but only if you compile a legible  grocery list.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Innuendo is only innuendo unless it’s in the key of G. Take heart. Broken promises are not refundable. That would bring the system of checks and balances to its knobby knees. Go to the beach and stay there until the surf improves. Tardiness is always inexcusable if you intend to go home early. The gas that was once liquid in your tank is now no more than a fume somewhere. Learn from the simulated experience. If a wizard gives away all of his advice will he still be a wizard? Tonight: Pep talk to house plants.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Is laying rubber on asphalt the best way to leave your mark on society? Signal before turning that ship of fools. A parrot kept in a cage since birth rarely knows that August follows July but his meals are generally delivered on time. Ponder the possibility of night life on other planets. Life is not twist-off! If you find it difficult to get out of bed every morning imagine how hard it would be if you didn’t go there in the first place. When engaging in simple gardening try to employ the mind over mater concept.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Know that your heart strings are being manipulated by the moons of Jupiter, your spleen by the chariots of Mercury and your liver by that dusty glass bottle of Old Charter. Adjust wings for high altitude. Your brain remains at flood stage and the hardware store is out of sand bags. Embrace the eclectic fan. In a fist fight lead with your face. It’s not that you are tortoise slow it’s just that your shell has lapped you going into the stretch. Be careful not to spill white noise onto your aura. You’ll never get the stain out.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Time spent waiting for the toilet tank to fill could be used more effectively. How many trees does it take to create a roll of discount toilet paper? Let your mind go and your body will surely follow. Isolate weak spots located between your shoulders. Hitting a home run on the first date could jeopardize away game status and result in an unwanted home stand.  Watch out for roundhouse curves and keep your infield fly zipped so as not to be accused of grandstanding. Stealing right field, while quite an accomplishment to some, will never make it into the box scores.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

There’s just not room in this horoscope for the both of you. Learn to tolerate incompetence especially when it is your own. It’s the cornucopia of ill virtue that sees you through.  Make good on verbal threats. Give the antagonist a way out of the corner or he could turn into a more forceful opponent. Applied violence could help you in the end. Learn to enjoy spending time with yourself since there is clearly no immediate run on that particular commodity. Duck when walking under the ladder of success. Integrity will not be found at the bottom of the barrel nor amid the foam at the top.

Copyright 2013 by the Astrological Cavalry, 

General Kashmir Horseshoe, CSA, acting demagogue.