YULETIDE ROCK SOUP

Needed: Progressive translator for potential cowboy-new age business arrangement. Must speak both languages clearly and distinctly to avoid miscalculations down the dirt road. Grasp of local geography and cattle futures helpful. Limo provided. Far Out Ranch, Ridgway

Many small town newspapers are searching for verbs and adjectives to use in news and feature stories in 2018. They will pay CASH for just the right participles and rare to semi-rare pronouns. Sorry, no adverbs this year. If you wish to part out your collection kindly contact Mr. Picayune at the Wimpton Holiday Inn between 10 am and 3 pm Tuesdays through January. Hong Kong Word Brokerage, Tacoma, WA.

Are you having trouble competing with television for the attention of your children? We will surgically remove up to three televisions from your home for one low introductory price! If this doesn’t solve the problem in three short weeks we will replace the tubes and remove you and the other alleged, significant adults from the premises. We mean business. Expanded Definition Pest Control. Offices in the West Colona Reactionary Sector.

Semi- Responsible college student needs nice car to drive to school. If it’s a nice enough car I’ll quit school, get a job and buy the vehicle since the only reason I am going to school is to graduate, get a job and buy a nice car. Get it? Please help me since I am not able to get this whole thing off the ground. Muriel, Body Chemistry Dept., Western State University.

Will trade cooler of small mouth bass for blueprinted small block 6 Chevy engine. Sorry our Fords for trout offer is no longer good west of the Divide. Sapinero Sally under the Lake City Bridge.

1995 Cadillac Seville convertible. 5000 original miles. White walls all around. Plush leather seats, top-of-the-line stereo, fuzz buster, wet bar, privacy window, tinted glass, custom paint, new top. It’s not for sale. I just wanted to see what this description looked like in print.

Why spend all your cash on ugly, new snow tires? Drive on our reconditioned bald tires and look forward to a much more exciting winter. Tyrone’s Tires, Sassafras Pass.

Teach your kids to excel in the classroom through shock therapy. Dial 5995.

Will invest your Social Security in the private sector and pay you the going interest rate every quarter. Still a believer in trickle down theories without a safety net? Too good to be true. See Mr. Ryan at McConnell’s Funeral Home. December special: Will tear down your house of sicks and split the lumber 50 – 50.

Still Need: Full-figured man or woman to deliver coffee and donuts to construction sites and deliver newspapers and magazines to thin, chronic recluses all over the region. Jolly Enterprises, Pitkin Lunch Counter.

Attention Ranchers: Are deer and elk eating your hay? I will shoot them for you any weekday morning through February 15. It is at that time that I will leave the Gunnison Valley for the spring eagle hunt in Vernal. L. Vernon Gleason, Mack.

Expert lawn mowing. Buzzes, spikes, crew cuts, flat tops and cranial shaves our specialty. And for those longer cuts call Peggy Sue on the solar riding mower. 1/2 price offer no longer good in Cahone and Egnar. We think you know why. Remember: When it’s snowing the price goes up. Offices in Crested Butte and Maybell.

Learn the ancient art of pick pocketing before the busy holiday season arrives. Earn extra Christmas money the old fashioned way…one pocket at a time. Bonded. In-call only. Alternative Lifestyle Survival Inc., Cellblock #889, Canon City, CO. An equal opportunity deployer.

Cheap hoods, out of work thugs, gang members needed for personal delivery of flowers now through Valentine’s Day. Cash paid daily. Intimidation Floral in Pueblo and Trinidad.

Commoners needed to experience the painful symptoms of colds and flu so that visiting celebrities do not have to. Post nausea counseling a distinct possibility. Also: Ride needed to Mao Clinic on December 24. Physicians Exchange in Saudi Aurora.

Will trade two tickets to the Congressional Budget Balancing Ball for a full-time job. Maurice Dolt, Moline Ironworks.

At a loss when it comes to the perfect Christmas gift for your crabby boss or romantic rival? Buy them a fully sheer, cotton-lined, solar-powered underwear tightener. Then just rest easy. One size fits all. They’ll get the message. Mel’s Underwear Tightening and Birth Control Recuperation Devices, Wimpton, CO.

Will stud tires, fix pets, administer hormone shots, weld relationships, ferment perfume. overcharge for tire chains, harass fur wearers, break horses, lie to creditors. Retainer only. Tyrone’s Tires, Sassafras Pass.

Need to leave town quickly? Let us cover for you. Professional movers, Discreet. Reasonably bonded. Overnight services our specialty. Bail Out Brokers. Offices in Aspen and Telluride. Coming soon to Crested Butte.

Got popcorn balls for Christmas? Call St. Roscoe’s for personal consultation. Medicare in the form of cash cheerfully accepted.

Kittens for Christmas! Really nice cats. $400 firm. We don’t have to tell you that the price will go up after the holidays. Also for sale this Saturday only: Dirty, wet newspapers: $120 per pound;  Earwig-infested green, camouflage army tarp: $300 or best offer; filthy old vacuum cleaner bags (filled): $650 per truckload; Severely mildewed blankets and baby clothing: Starting at $200; Cracked waferboard: $50. Free refreshments with any purchase. No snails before 9 am. 2266773986655 Road, Montrose. Cash only. No Czechs.

The ultimate Christmas gift idea! Jed’s Talking Cereal Box! Works great if you need a little paltry chatter first thing in the morning. Great assortment of non-confrontational tapes available. Handles verbal abuse well and gets along with other cereal boxes, even the pancake mix! Sybil, Box 4999, Horseshoe.   

Lost: Pair of rather expensive snowmobile boots at the Old St. Lazare Station last month. Of intrinsic value. If found please call Claude Monet. Reward pending.

Handsome, ambidextrous bagpiper will skirl a tune for weddings, funerals, graduations, mud wrestling competitions, breakfast meetings, interrogations, alcohol seminars, brandings, shopping sprees, tree planting, extra-marital affairs, forced marches, military interventions, homecomings, banishments, Muslim holy days, bachelor parties, slalom and giant slalom events, book burnings, race riots, horse races, hangings, exorcisms, engine overhauls, final exams, tooth extractions, instinctual migrations, general wanderlust. Look for us in the Jello Pages under Traveling Bag Pipers.

Self-motivated person with sharply pointed head (and bear ears) needed for drilling operations in formerly protected lands in Utah and Wyoming. Uniform, welcome packet and tools provided. Must be willing to submit to drug test. Mud Pump Drilling, Gillette and Green River.

Strong-willed SWM seeks submissive WF for ping-pong interludes in my heated garage. Interested parties should stop by 567 Indian Massacre Highway any week night. Bring a covered fish.

HAMBONE CHRISTMAS HITS! Let Brenda Lee, Patty Page, Perry Como, Vic Damone, Burl Ives, Julio Inglesias and others slap their way through your Christmas. Not available through sleazy, high-pressure ads on late night TV! Buy directly from the manufacturer. Buy now and receive “The Chipmunks Sing Prussian Military Marches” Crooner’s Corner in Montrose. Now open 23 hours!