VAIL PETITIONS FOR TRENDY ZIP

(Gore Range — Dead Letter News — May 25, 2016)

A conglomeration of business and civic leaders here have petitioned the United States Postal Service for a more glamorous zip code. The group maintains that the current zip does little to reflect the elite, gentile lifestyles afforded by the resort’s well-healed residents.

“Consider for a moment the reaction by our patrons who pay up the wazoo to stay and play here,” said a major executive director of the zip code push. “How would you feel if you dropped all that cash and ended up in a place with a mundane zip code like 81631. It misrepresents everything that we are about in Vail. It makes me cringe when I write that zip on my correspondence.”

Postal officials told The Horseshoe that they have received a written request for the zip change. The petition asks that Vail gets a more fashionable zip like Aspen’s 81611 or even Steamboat’s 80477, one that “exudes the detached, entitled, self-confident attitude so prevalent in Vail.”

The Vail group has expressed interest in purchasing 81435 from Telluride or 81224 from Crested Butte saying that those resort communities don’t deserve such hip zips. Although there has been no response from the two aforementioned, several other communities have come forward willing to sell their zips. Naturita (81422) Sapinero (81247 and Rangely (81648) reportedly could sell if the price was right.

“How does one place a monetary value on five silly number created by some long-dead bureaucrat who probably never ventured east of Pennsylvania?” asked Colona postmistress, Estelle Marmotbreath, who will be relocating to Cahone in July. “it’s like betting on the Broncos.”

The kind residents of Eagle have agreed to allow Vail to use its zip code until the end of the year or until other plans can be formulated. Top executives from the U.S. Postal Service are expected in town for a preliminary look on Thursday. They will be staying at the posh Grand Praetorian Lodge at the taxpayer’s expense. Vail has planned a week of self-indulgent debauchery so as to secure an official hearing in June.

Next time see: “Further Ridiculous Distractions For An Educated Electorate”

– Uncle Pahgre